A New Orientation to Feedback
When you hear the word “feedback”, what comes up for you? Do you lean in towards it, or shy away? Do your defenses go up at the thought of receiving feedback? Or do you get curious about what is going to be shared?
Most folks I know have a love-hate relationship with feedback. On the one hand, there’s an openness to hear what has to be said with a view to increasing self-awareness and facilitating growth. On the other hand, there’s a fear combined with defensiveness, an anticipatory armoring up in case the feedback is challenging in any way.
By definition feedback is “the transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source” (Merriam-webster.com). In other words, feedback is information given with the intent to support growth or improvement. I think we all know this to be true, and theoretically we’re on board with receiving feedback. The challenge is that nobody, in my experience, likes to be told they are wrong, or that they are doing something wrong. This particular mindset – “I don’t’ want to be told I’m wrong” – is a barrier to feedback being used effectively.
When it comes to feedback, there are two aspects to consider: the manner in which feedback is delivered, and the way in which it is received. What I will say about the giving of feedback is that tone, timing and intention matter. If you are about to give someone feedback – particularly of the critical variety (often framed as constructive, but let’s be honest, it usually feels critical) – you need to do so with as neutral a tone as possible, when they are ready to receive it (and when you can, in fact, be neutral) and with the purpose of helping them grow as opposed to taking them down a peg or making them wrong.
But here’s the thing: no matter how well-intentioned, toned, or timed the giving of feedback is, the filter through which feedback passes is what will determine its ultimate impact. If the receiver of feedback already has their back up – if they are already overwhelmed or otherwise in an unreceptive space, the feedback will not be helpful. And knowing that all of us, by virtue of being human, can be averse to feedback, I want to offer a perspective that may be helpful.
When someone provides you with feedback, it is important to remember that their offering is not absolute truth; instead it’s a perspective based on their experience and nothing more. Dancing with feedback from this vantage point can allow you to be open to the growth-opportunity that is being presented to you.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore feedback because “it’s just a perspective”. Instead, my invitation – some might experience it as a challenge – is that you look for the nugget of truth in the feedback. When you find it, ask yourself: how can I work with this? What can I implement – if anything – from this piece of information? And what will happen if I ignore it?
Another consideration is how the feedback in question aligns with your experience of feedback up until now. In other words, if nobody on the planet has ever told you that you are ineffective as a leader – and now you’ve got one person out of the hundreds that you’ve worked with saying that you are ineffective, do you let that feedback completely change how you show up? I hope not. Do you ignore it completely? Again, I hope not. Instead, there’s room here for curiousity; what would have this person say that you are ineffective? If you were to change how you show up, what would change for everyone else? What is needed in the broader space? What is the nugget of truth that you can work with, and what can you leave behind?
Bottom-line: feedback is something for you to consider. It’s a reflection of one’s experience of you, and not actually about you. While there is generally something that you might work with in any given feedback, it’s ultimately up to you to decide what will grow you in the way that you wish to grow. Feedback is a perspective rooted in one of many truths; it’s not the absolute truth. So let feedback inform your growth; don’t let it undermine your value.