How Do You Recognize a Safe Space?

One of the concepts that gets talked about a lot in leadership spaces these days is that of safety. My sense is that with all that is happening in the world at large, with our collective increased understanding of the human experience and what’s important, there has been an increased recognition that humans need a sense of safety – both psychological and physical – in order to perform optimally in any environment. 

Admittedly, there are some people who wouldn’t know a safe space from an unsafe one if you paid them. Rather than dismiss those folks as somehow obtuse, I do want to acknowledge that there is a conflation of terms that sometimes happens, one that gets in the way of recognizing true safety. The terms in question are safety and comfort. Holding these two terms as related, is a set up that doesn’t serve any space or, for that matter, any human. Here’s why.

Sometimes, the discomfort that I feel is nothing more or less than just that: discomfort. If I start to say that I feel unsafe every time I feel uncomfortable, I deny myself the opportunity to learn, to grow, to stretch. Let’s face it folks, stretching by definition is not exactly comfortable. 

In order for growth to happen, for change to occur, or even healing for that matter, there is an element of discomfort that must be experienced. When we conflate safety and comfort, we deny ourselves – and those around us – the growth opportunities that might, in fact, be needed. 

While I would absolutely argue that every unsafe situation is uncomfortable to some degree, the converse is not necessarily true. Not every uncomfortable situation is unsafe. The discomfort that is felt when one is being bullied is not safe. The discomfort that one feels when one is in a new scenario, or when challenged to grow or learn in any way, however, is actually safe more often than not, and often uncomfortable by virtue of its unfamiliarity or stretch potential. 

Why am I bringing this up? Because I hear so many people defaulting to a declaration of “I don’t feel safe” in scenarios where what’s actually present is a sense of discomfort. This distinction – lack of safety vs discomfort – is such a necessary one to be able to make. Otherwise, everything gets lumped together and as humans we play small while denying ourself opportunities to grow and stretch in meaningful ways. 

So, how do you know the difference? How can you tell when you are, in fact, unsafe and not just uncomfortable? Admittedly – especially when it comes to psychological safety – this can be hard to distinguish. It requires a pause of sorts in order to take stock. What is actually happening? What is it that I’m aware of that is having me feel “unsafe”? What is at risk here? Depending on the scenario at hand, you might have to ask a trusted friend/colleague for support here, somebody who might be able to see what you’re not seeing.  Without taking the time to make the distinction, it’s too easy to default to “I’m not safe” as a way of getting out of being with what’s uncomfortable.

Bottom-line: there is a difference between feeling uncomfortable and being unsafe. Knowing the difference – taking the time to discern what is actually at stake – is essential for growth and understanding, both individually and collectively. In light of this, it’s important for us to start paying attention to what exactly is at stake in all scenarios. When we are actually safe, even with discomfort, it’s very likely that we would be better served by staying in the space. And when our safety is in jeopardy? That’s when it’s time to remove ourselves.