Learning to Say “No”

The world in which we live is a demanding one. I think that feels like a fair generalization, particularly for those who hold leadership responsibility in any capacity. As a leader you’ve got a myriad of demands placed squarely on your shoulders.  

All. The. Time. 

Combine these demands with a sense of responsibility to those whom you lead (as well as to those to whom you may report), and it’s a recipe for taking on too much, being overextended, and eventually feeling overwhelmed.  

How do you avoid sliding into that space? Simply put, you learn to say “no”. 

There can be such fear around saying “no” to others. The fears can be linked to a lot of things, but at its core, I think the fear is around being perceived as non-cooperative, incapable or otherwise falling short in some way.

 These are all understandable; and at the same time, unless you learn to say no when necessary, you will end up in the space of “falling short” in spite of yourself. In other words, sometimes, you HAVE to say no. Moreover, learning to say no and modelling how it is done effectively is actually a gift to those around you. When you say no effectively, you model the art of boundary-setting. 

How do you do this?  

First, determine what your boundaries are – in terms of time, space and energy.

Second, get clear about what matters to you.

And third, clarify how you want to use your resources (time, energy, money, skills, to honour what matters to you.

Once you’ve got these details ironed out, you will be able to see what aligns for you and what doesn’t every time you’re faced with a request.  

Admittedly, you’ve got to be able to hold the decisions you make up to the mirror of the answers above. Which means you’ve got to give yourself at least 30 seconds to evaluate the request, before you respond. This requires practice. As you practice, you will get more skilled and your capacity in this area will build. Which is a good thing. 

Let me close by saying this: there are lots of ways to say no. In and of itself, “no” is a complete answer, and it’s important for you (and me) to know this. Sometimes, all you need to say is no. At the same time, having an arsenal of ways to say no, can definitely be helpful.  

Some options include: 

That doesn’t work for me.

Maybe later.

That’s not in my wheelhouse.

I’m not the right person for that request.

Here’s what I’ll do instead.

Thanks for asking; not now.  

And the list can keep going.  

No matter what language you choose to use, the bottom-line is that you want to make your no a clear one. Don’t leave room for ambiguity or interpretation. When it comes right down to it, being able to hold boundaries is about being able to say no, clearly. AS the saying goes, “if it isn’t a clear yes, make it a clear no.”