I Just Want People to LIKE Me!
This is a statement I’ve heard a couple of times in recent weeks, in different contexts. In every scenario, the issue at hand is the feeling of challenge in a relationship, be it personal, professional or other. Let’s face it; it’s a pretty common desire, this need to be liked. And full transparency: I share that desire.
Growing up, the need to be liked was such a prevailing one for me. I did everything in my power (so long as it wasn’t illegal and wouldn’t “get me in trouble” -- because I also have a strong need to follow rules) to ensure that I was included and liked -- for me, these things went together. If I was included, I would be liked, and vice versa. The result was that I became this fairly amenable person.
I was generally very easy to get along with.
I didn’t rock the boat.
I wasn’t confrontational.
Many folks would argue that such adaptability is a good thing. Most of me would agree; it is, indeed, a good thing. Until it’s not. And once it’s not, the cost is painful; because the cost of such adaptability is essentially, the loss of your core self.
For me, this is no longer a price I’m willing to pay.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m still pretty adaptable, amenable and likeable (in most scenarios). I’m no longer willing, however, to be any of these things in service of a false sense of peace. I’m no longer willing to keep the metaphorical boat steady, if I know that the boat is only staying afloat because an oncoming tidal wave is being ignored (work the metaphor with me here). And I’m no longer willing to sacrifice long-term well-being -- mine or anyone else’s -- by staying silent and avoiding momentary confrontation.
Because here’s the thing: when any one of us is so attached to being liked that it becomes the only compass by which we determine our choices, inevitably our choices steer us off course. We say yes to requests, even if it means we develop stomach ulcers from the stress; we do the jobs of others, even if it means we work beyond our own job expectations and miss out on being with our family; we allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect in intimate relationships, even though we know that we are worthy of better.
Likeability is a good quality to have. And, it needs to be anchored alongside qualities such as truth-telling, and courage to do what’s necessary. What’s necessary can look a lot of different ways depending on the scenario; staying to have a difficult conversation, leaving a relationship that no longer serves, finding new career paths are all choices that may require courage.
When you use this trifecta of qualities -- likeability + truth + courage -- as your compass, then the world actually becomes easier to navigate overall. Your choices are clearer, even if they feel a little tension filled at moments. As leaders, part of our responsibility is to create spaces in which this trifecta of qualities is what we use, what we model and what we teach our teams to use as well, in any and all moments of decision-making.
Bottom-line is this: when it comes to living with a sense of purpose and meaning, it’s time to stop using your desire to be liked as the guiding force in your life. Blend likeability with truth and courage, so that you are liked by the right people, respected by most people, and are able to stay true to who you are at all times. Likeability is over-rated. It’s time to let that need go.