If You Can't Say Anything Nice...
I’ve been doing many team-building sessions recently as part of my work in helping teams to learn, grow and evolve. I always enjoy these sessions; they’re a chance for groups to step past whatever limiting beliefs are at play, keeping them stuck. They’re also a chance for individuals to learn about themselves and their colleagues, providing opportunity for everyone to discover how they come together, what pulls them apart, and what particular magic is possible with their specific group.
Last week, one of the groups I was working with was exploring how to navigate difficult conversations, particularly when dealing with differing personalities. This is a pretty common challenge, to be sure. I have yet to work with a team where the topic of “difficult conversations” doesn’t come up. Difficult conversations are not difficult because they’re rare; they’re difficult because of all sorts of social conventions and norms that have us as human beings trying to engage with one another in ways that are not necessarily helpful. Cliches and phrases that sound like good advice, can sometimes get in the way.
“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”
“The fewer words, the better.”
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
Each of these bites of conventional wisdom seem sound. The challenge – especially when it comes to team communication – is that they don’t always serve the way we would want them to. The last one in particular can prevent a team from moving forward effectively. Read it again:
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
The problem with this phrase – especially within teams that are trying to navigate challenging relationships or scenarios – is that the word “nice” suggests ease, comfort and plain-sailing. When things are challenging, however, qualities like these are often in short supply. And so, rather than saying what is needed – which is likely something difficult, uncomfortable or a bit choppy – things get bottled up or ignored in the name of being nice, and PROBLEMS AREN’T RESOLVED.
If we really want to solve what’s in front of us, our concern within the team isn’t actually to say nice things; it’s to say things nicely (or as nicely as possible). Saying things nicely gives space for saying hard truths; for providing challenging feedback; for being honest about what is going on and what might be needed to move things forward.
Let me be clear: saying things nicely doesn’t mean sugar-coating or sandwiching information beyond recognition. Saying things nicely is about being clear. Being nice or speaking nicely can be read as relating to one another as human beings instead of relating as unfeeling machines or monsters.
Bottom-line: It’s time to start focusing on saying what needs to be said in our relationships. This is especially true in teams when and where things seem to be stuck or stagnant. In saying what needs to be said, it’s less about saying what’s nice, and more about saying what’s needed, nicely. This is the essence of open communication. And open communication is what keeps teams moving forward.