A New Take on Complaints

Let me be honest: I don’t like complaints. 

I don’t like receiving them, and I don’t like making them. Somewhere in my brain lies the cliché that “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” and to me, the squeaky wheel is all about complaints. And nobody likes squeaky wheels. Ere go, nobody likes complaints or complainers. In light of this, I try to stay out of the realm of complaining to others or being complained to, if I can help it at all. 

The challenge, of course, is that sometimes complaints arise, whether that’s me complaining to somebody, or somebody complaining to me. Sometimes, there are complaint-worthy circumstances. I think that is normal. That being said, this week I learned a whole new perspective on complaints. In a conversation with a colleague, she shared with me her belief that “a complaint is an unspoken request”. My mind has been mulling this over ever since.

“A complaint is an unspoken request.” 

When I hold this idea up against some of the complaints that I’ve either uttered myself or received from others, I am gobsmacked by the truth of it. Because if I let myself get really honest, when I complain about something, there’s actually something I’m wanting and I’m not asking for it. When I have heard others complain this week, I’ve allowed myself to get curious about what the underlying request might be. Doing this has shifted the whole trajectory of the interaction.

Now, I realize that sometimes complaining is truly just venting. There’s nothing to be done, no action to be taken, no remedy to put in place. Yet. 

The reason I add this disclaimer is that, if a complaint becomes pervasive enough, there is actually a request that’s buried underneath. 

Imagine for a moment what might be possible, what might open up or shift, if every complaint could be named as the request it is actually masking. What I know about complaints – especially those of a chronic variety – is that they tend to create or at least contribute to a sense of stuck-ness. My sense is that distilling a complaint down to the essential request that lies at the heart of it, can be game-changing and can get individuals, teams, groups, organizations UN-stuck. 

Bottom-line: I’m going to continue holding the question, “what’s the unspoken request” when I find myself wanting to complain about something, or when someone is complaining to me. I don’t think it’s a question that needs to be barbed or harsh in any way. Instead, I see it as a probing question, one that can be asked gently, and can in getting to the root of what is actually needed. I intend to have some fun with this, and if it appeals to you at all, I invite you to join me in this reframe. “A complaint, is an unspoken request.”