My Evolving Relationship with Judgment
“Who am I to judge?”
This is a question that comes up in the face of differing viewpoints. Someone presents an ideology that is out of the norm or collective understanding, and the supposedly enlightened response is, “who am I to judge?” or words to that effect.
The phrase feels akin to the notion of “live and let live”. You know, you do your thing, I’ll do mine, and we’ll all just live in collective harmony as a result. No judgment.
Sounds almost blissful, doesn’t it? The challenge, I’m realizing, is that the concept of judgment often gets collapsed with a few other concepts that are actually necessary to be able to live in true harmony.
As human beings, using skills such as evaluation and discernment are part of how we survive in the world. We look out at the world around us – the people around us, their behaviour, their choices, their actions – and we come to a conclusion about
how we align with them or not,
whether there is any risk to us or not, and
how we want to be or act in response.
Based on our answers to the above questions (which involves a mixture of evaluation and discernment) our response might seem like one of judgment, especially if our response is to express a contrary viewpoint or if we dare to suggest that another person’s choice is “wrong”. There’s no denying that there IS a judgment in there.
The challenge that I’m grappling with – and it is a grapple – is when I am told to “not judge” but (and yes, I’m using the word “but” here) I cannot, in good conscience, condone or even align with the behaviour that is in front of me. In these circumstances, I often becomes quite animated – some might say emotional – and I am told to be “less judgmental.”
Where I’m grappling these days as it relates to judgment is around issues of diversity, equity and inclusion. More specifically, I’m feeling challenged by folks who align themselves with racism, and attempt to justify it as a morally acceptable choice. This is the space where I admit I stand in judgment. More importantly, I don’t know how to get around it.
How can I condone someone saying a version of “I know that person has racist views, but I’ll ignore the racism because I like the other stuff they say?” Or, “yeah, I know they behave in a racist way, but I’m not going to say anything because I don’t want to rock the boat; you understand, don’t you?”
No, I don’t understand.
This is the sort of interaction, exchange, behaviour that stumps me, time and time again. It’s the one type of scenario (that I’m aware of) where I come across with an energy of judgment. Usually, my personality is such that I can have a conversation of some sort in when differing viewpoints arise, in an effort to understand; in cases of racisim, however, my emotions get the better of me.
In the face of racism, I can get:
angry
frustrated
sad
overwhelmed
scared
confused
As these emotions arise, I am accused of being judgmental.
Of not valuing the relationship.
Of creating havoc where it doesn’t need to be.
Essentially, I am tone-policed. Told that I need to calm down, and place higher emphasis on the relationship than on the issue of racism.
This line of reasoning boggles my brain. Especially when such reasoning is expressed by those I hold as allies, those who I believe to be aligned with me in my values, those who I would never think would support racism in any form. My entire world gets thrown by what feels like an incongruence, and I move to what gets experienced as judgment.
I think where I’m landing is this: I have no desire to be judgmental. Yet sometimes, in the face of something I find intolerable (such as racism) my emotions get amplified and I can be experienced as judgmental. This occurs because I don’t know what else to do. There are some things that in my worldview ARE wrong, racism being one of these. And my ability to act calmly, politely, and with tolerance is significantly diminished in the face of racist choices.
When I think of historical advocates of racial justice – Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Viola Davis – the list is long – what I know is that they, too, got angry in the face of racism. Even Gandhi, as much as he was an advocate of peaceful resistance, got angry in the face of injustice. Perhaps one might say that they were judgmental. Which makes me think that maybe, in some scenarios, some types of judgment are not just okay, but necessary.
Admittedly this feels like a dangerous conclusion to draw.
I have no pithy bottom-line to share this week. I can tell you that I am working to curb my emotions in the face of inequities – especially those of a racist nature – and I don’t really want to be tone policed. My experience is that it is always folks who are not members of marginalized groups who tell me that I’m judgmental in the face of racism. And their statements are always made after I’ve taken the risk to tell them what I’m seeing as racist behaviour. One of the things I was recently reminded of, is that sometimes, folks won’t like what I have to say. And rather than withdraw myself, the opportunity is for me to ask myself whether I’m okay with them not liking my words, or my stance, and the consequences that may arise.
I don’t know if I’m “okay” with the consequences, which is often some variation of losing a relationship. I do know that no matter what, standing up for injustice is something I need to do. While I have no need or desire to always be right, I do think that some things are wrong. And when those things present themselves, I will speak up and out. It’s the only way to rid the world of injustice. And so, I will keep dancing with this grapple, as uncomfortable as it might be, in the hopes that someday there won’t be so much injustice to deal with.