People Cannot be Compartmentalized

Note: This blog is actually taken from a Facebook post I made a few years back. It came up on my 'memories' and coincidentally (or not) I have been contemplating writing about this for a while. So, rather than recreate the wheel so to speak, I'm just tweaking this post into this week's blog offering. Here goes.

Can we please stop asking folks to "leave their problems at the door?" Or, "Leave your personal life at home?" Or whatever the equivalent is? 

I've been hearing phrases of this nature in so many contexts, in so many voice tones, and my observation is that it never lands well. The fact is, we are all complete human beings, and as such we CANNOT compartmentalize our lives. What happens personally impacts and affects us professionally and socially. 

We may choose not to talk about what's happening, but that doesn't mean that it's not affecting us. And when we ask another person to "pretend" that all is fine (which is what we are essentially asking when we tell them to leave things at the door), or when we tell folks some version of "if you don't want to talk about it, then can you please buck up or smile", we are inviting disconnection, both from self and other. It's a recipe for disaster. 

I recently heard someone bragging about the fact that they had seen a young woman at work who appeared sad, and had told them to "smile!". I found myself cringing in response. When someone says this to me I truly want to tell them to bugger off, especially if they're a stranger, someone who has no idea who I am or what might be happening. Because here's the thing: your request that I smile tells me that you see my sadness/anger/melancholy/whatever and rather than get curious about it, or offer me support, you just want me to change. And whatever is happening for me is very real; I probably want it to change too, and in this moment -- the moment that you are telling me to smile -- I can't. 

Here's the thing: if you can't be with someone's obvious pain, fair enough. But that's about you, not them. So, stop telling them to change; stop telling folks to smile. Stop insisting that they leave their troubles at the door, and find a way to offer support instead -- which is often as simple as letting them be where they are at. 

If you want to smile at them in the hopes that it offers some comfort? Go for it.

If you want to ask them what's wrong and how you might help? Be my guest.

If you want to ask them to do something at work? Fine.

Just stop asking them to change what's happening for them. Stop asking them to turn off whatever is very obviously present. 

I once had a wise friend say to me, when I was in a dark space and not wanting to talk, "that's totally fine; we don't have to talk. Just know that I am here if you ever do." It was the most meaningful exchange I've experienced from a friend when I've been in my own place of despair. I knew that they saw me; I knew that they were willing to help; and I knew that they cared enough for me to accept me right where I was, in the way that I was.

Our world has very strange unwillingness to be with the hard stuff: anger, sadness, even simple seriousness. Asking anyone to disconnect from what is happening for them is not helpful. And while I get that a certain amount of professionalism is required in the workplace, professionalism does not mean perpetual happiness. 

The kicker is this: most people I know don't really want to "bring their problems" with them, wherever they are. Most would truly rather be able to separate from whatever hardship is present in any given moment. And, that isn't always possible. I would actually assert that it isn't EVER possible. I might be able to turn down the volume on my sadness or anger or despair, but that's not the same as leaving it entirely behind. 

Bottom-line: human beings cannot be compartmentalized. So stop projecting your discomfort with hardship onto another human beings very real experience.