An Effective Way to Be With Feedback

Confession: I’m a praise junkie. This is something I realized about 20 years ago, but didn’t truly admit until probably about 5 years after that. It felt – and still feels, at times – a little needy, you know? Like I was NEEDING the approval of others in order to make value of how I show up in the world. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be NEEDY.

Anyhow, having accepted the fact that I am someone who very much enjoys praise, I started to ask myself how I could be better at receiving feedback that wasn’t so praise-like. What should I do with the harder feedback, the criticisms, the complaints, the accusations? For me, feedback that feels like any of these latter things is Hard. To. Take. 

Given the challenge of it, my historical tendency would be to dismiss criticism, scoff at it, or let it sideline me. I would go quiet and retreat to lick my wounds, as it were. I would make myself really small, energetically. I knew that none of these were particularly helpful approaches to feedback of any sort, but it was all I knew how to do. 

And then I discovered curiousity. 

When it comes to being with feedback – of any variety – curiousity is a game changer. Curiousity allows me to stand aside from the perceived truth or fallacy of whatever feedback I’ve just been given, and ask myself: what does this tell me? Why is this feedback being shared with me? What about it is true, and what isn’t? Regardless of its veracity, the core question that I allow myself to hold is “how do I want to be – or what do I want to do – with this information?”

Being curious in this way actually helps facilitate my growth. Whether the feedback is good, bad or ugly, I get to consciously decide how to use the information. 

I might discard it.

I might treasure it.

I might dig into it.

I might do a bit of research.

I might stand back and look at the feedback under the light of the bigger picture.

I might simply let it flow through me.

I might ask for more information.

So many options. 

The point is that I don’t have to let what lands as “negative” feedback derail me. I can, instead, allow it to inform me. Because feedback is nothing more or less than a person’s experience of me in a moment in time. If a person has that same experience time and time again, they may experience it as truth. But it doesn’t have to be the whole truth. And it doesn’t have to be mine.

Once I have gotten curious and arrived at a conclusion about how this feedback is helpful, about how I want to use it to grow me, then I have options. And having options is an empowering way to be in the world. 

Bottom-line: whether you’re a praise junkie or not, odds are you aren’t a fan of criticism. Learning to be curious about any and all criticism can be a wildly supportive approach to working with the information coming your way. Criticism doesn’t need to derail you, and praise doesn’t need to inflate your ego. Get curious about it all; and let yourself grow as a human.