So, You Didn’t Mean It: Here’s Why I Don’t Care
Yes, I’m being a little flip today. As I was contemplating what I wanted to share with you, I kept coming back to the notion of “intention vs impact”.
In the land of coaching – or at least in the coaching land that I hang out in – there’s a lot of discussion around taking responsibility for impact. What I’m noticing is that this can be a pretty “out-there” idea whether I’m in coaching-land or not.
So let me offer some context and distinctions to help build understanding.
For every action you take or conversation you engage in, there’s a specific intention you have. Intention is what you mean to say, or mean to do, or mean to have happen. You may have given your intention a lot of thought, or maybe not so much. Either way, intention is the desired outcome.
Impact is the outcome that actually occurs. Sometimes, the outcome aligns perfectly with what you meant to have happen – your intended impact. Sometimes, something unexpected happens – this is your unintended impact. In both cases, the bottom line is that you said or did something and an outcome occurred, intended or not.
As human beings, there’s a way in which so many folks skew towards the belief that intention matters more than impact. In other words, regardless of what happened, the fact that one “didn’t mean to (fill in the blank)”, leads to the idea that the outcome, whatever it was, should be overlooked or at least forgiven or forgotten about.
Folks, that’s not how it works. Intention does not trump impact, especially when the impact is in any way hurtful or harmful.
Don’t get me wrong; when someone creates hurt or harm in the world, it’s definitely reassuring to know that they didn’t mean to, at least for me. It tells me that they’ve got a moral compass and are not a sociopath. But having a moral compass is not enough to absolve anyone of the hurt that they create. One must still take responsibility for their impact – and in the words of Louis C.K. (a comedian – I don’t actually know him, but I like this quote), “when someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”
When someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, or that you’ve done something wrong, it’s not helpful for you to say things like:
You’re too sensitive
Suck it up
Oh, you’re over-reacting
But I didn’t mean to (see earlier explanation)
Phrases such as these tell those impacted by your actions that you are less concerned with their experience than you are with your own intentions. It may provide a bit of relief (like, a VERY LITTLE bit) to know that you weren’t being deliberately hurtful; but that doesn’t take away the hurt or harm. The only thing that can mitigate hurt or harm is a sincere apology followed by a change in your behaviour going forward.
What constitutes a SINCERE apology? It’s as simple as “I’m sorry that I hurt you”. Done. And if you’re committed to rectifying the situation, you can follow it with “what can I do differently?”. And then LISTEN to what is being said, and actually make an effort to do things differently going forward.
Bottom-line: stop expending so much energy on explaining your intention. When I’ve been hurt by your actions, I actually don’t care as much as you think about whether you meant it or not. I care about whether you value our relationship enough to acknowledge the harm you’ve caused. Instead of telling me why the hurt should be overlooked, apologize. And going forward, do better. Because impact actually trumps intention, not the other way around.