Stop Fearing Your Emotions
Happy Halloween!
Here in North America, tonight is the night when so many of our children get dressed up in cute costumes and venture out on a quest for treats. Older folks distribute candy or toys, and many folks, regardless of age, hold Halloween as a time to be “scary”. So, I figure today is as good a day as any to share some thoughts on a topic that really does cause some folks to run in fear.
Emotions.
There are a few things to know about emotions. First, we’ve all got them, and they run the gamut from extreme sadness to absolute joy. For many of us, our emotional vocabulary is limited to 3 terms: happy, sad and angry. Which is absolutely nuts, because there are SO MANY nuances to emotion. Limiting ourselves to three overarching terms is a grave injustice, to ourselves as well as to those around us.
Understanding the subtleties of emotion can be a game-changer for many people. If you google “wheel of emotions” you will find a wide variety of resources to support you in learning emotional distinctions. Here is one I particularly like.
In looking at this wheel, notice how it builds out from 7 “base” emotions (already more than the broad 3 I suggested earlier) to over 70 descriptors. As you connect with each word, notice how each one feels different within you. What happens in your mind? Your body? Your spirit? If you give yourself permission and space, I am sure you will be able to feel the important distinctions between each of these.
Why does this matter? At its core, it’s about having a depth of emotional intelligence. Even more so, however, it’s about being able to notice and convey with accuracy what it is you are experiencing in any given moment. When you know what you’re experiencing, you can express yourself accurately.
Which brings me to my next point. Emotions are meant to be expressed.
Too often I hear folks talking about being able (or unable, as the case may be) to “control” their emotions. Your emotions are not like an errant puppy, needing to be trained and corralled. Instead, emotions are most valuable to us when we know how to recognize them and express them meaningfully, safely.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not suggesting that you express every emotion in every moment. There are definitely times and spaces that are more conducive and/or appropriate to the expression of what you’re feeling. Giving vent to your rage in the middle of a board meeting by throwing your coffee mug against the wall is not likely to be well received. Moreover, it is likely to erode any sense of trust and it really isn’t safe for anyone. The challenge, I think, is that too many of us have convinced ourselves that “being emotional” – read as “expressing our emotions” – is taboo in all forms of expression, in all arenas, and that simply isn’t true. If you do not find safe and appropriate ways to express your emotions – all of them – your emotions will hurt you in many ways, including manifesting as anxiety, as ulcers, as stress in all forms.
So do yourself (and those around you) a favour. Expand your emotional vocabulary. Develop safe, effective and truthful ways to express your emotions. If others try to shut you down, teach them why the expression of emotion is important. Be an advocate for those who might be grappling themselves with expressing their emotions.
Bottom-line: it’s time to let go of the idea that emotions are meant to be controlled. While there might be some spaces and times that are safer for the expression of our emotions than others, the fact is that emotions must be expressed. Learn how to co-create spaces in which emotional expression is welcomed. When we are honest about what we are feeling and can let others in on our experience, there’s a greater sense of trust. And trust is the quality you want to create for truly effective relationships.