Leaders: STOP Saying This to Your Team!
So, there’s a phrase that is used out there in the world and from where I stand it’s a rather insidious one. I’m noticing how it creates angst for teams and individuals in almost every space I enter. In and of itself the phrase sounds benign, however, it really isn’t. Instead, it causes more harm than you might imagine. Without further ado, here it is, at least in one form:
“Keep your personal and professional lives separate.”
Ugh. Just typing the words makes me want to gag.
Honestly, folks, human lives are not so neatly compartmentalized, especially when there is big stuff happening. What’s happening in your personal life, colours and impacts what’s happening in your professional life and vise versa. The energy that is present in one area of your life seeps into others.
Think about it:
If you are dealing with a health diagnosis of any sort, that knowledge is going to sit with you and hang out in the background of whatever you are doing.
If your family is going through some sort of hardship, pretending that isn’t happening doesn’t change the fact that it is.
If you’ve been given some “bad” news of any sort, it’s practically impossible to ignore that, no matter what is in front of your face at the moment.
When you tell folks to keep aspects of their life separate, it’s usually because someone appears sadder, more tired than usual, or otherwise out of sorts AND you’re not comfortable with how they’re showing up. In other words, you’re making a rule – “keep your personal life at home” – because of your own discomfort, essentially telling team members that parts of themselves are not welcome. And nobody likes to feel unwelcome.
Here’s the kicker. Even if someone makes a valiant effort to keep their personal and professional lives separate, given that humans are not compartmentalized beings, what’s happening in one’s personal life will naturally impact what’s happening in their professional life, albeit in less obvious ways. The longer one denies what’s happening, however – the longer they pretend – the more likely that they will reach a point where what’s happening personally won’t just seep into the professional space, it will explode and leave a mess, kind of like a paint-filled balloon that hanging from a wire that strains until it finally bursts.
Essentially, from where I sit, there’s a way that asking people to keep their personal (read emotional) selves at the door when they come to professional spaces is a form of toxic positivity. Your unintentional (or maybe it is actually intentional?) message is, pretend that all is well and it will be. Except that it won’t.
Now, I completely understand that you would like your workspace to be free from drama and angst. But asking folks to leave their personal lives behind doesn’t decrease angst; it actually increases it. I mean, you can certainly ask folks to bottle stuff up like a pressure cooker, however, without some way of venting a little emotional steam, your people are going to explode.
Expecting folks to put on a happy face at all times is absolutely unreasonable.
If someone seems less cheerful than usual, let that be okay.
If someone is quieter today than they are generally, let that be okay.
If someone seems a bit distracted in this moment, let that be okay.
Most folks function better when they know they don’t have to hide anything.
As a leader, you can totally check in on team members. Just don’t tell them that what they are experiencing is unwelcome or not allowed.
Now, if an individual CHOOSES to try and compartmentalize, that is perfectly fine. I know, for example, that when my father passed away two years ago, I chose – very deliberately – to lead a 5-day course without referencing his passing to the large group. In order for me to show up as fully as I could, I shared what was happening for me with the rest of my leader team. But I didn’t share it with everyone. I wasn’t 100% my usual self, but I was my whole self in a subdued way. I chose what to share and with whom. And at no point was I denied my experience.
One last thing: if you, yourself are someone who thinks you are doing a good job of keeping things completely separate – as if somehow your personal life isn’t impacting your professional life and/or the other way around – don’t kid yourself. You are a whole human being, which means that what is happening in one space is absolutely impacting the others, whether you’re aware of it or not. Why? Because you are not a robot or a computer or a filing cabinet. You are a whole human being, and every part of you is connected.
Here's the bottom-line: stop letting your discomfort with another person’s experience dictate how they show up in different spaces. If someone is seeming like they’re being pulled under a wave of something personal, don’t tell them to park it. Give them space to share it if they’d like, hold it if they would rather, and find a way to support them regardless. If you can’t support them yourself, find someone who can. Professional spaces where people can be fully themselves are emotionally safe spaces. And emotional safety leads to greater productivity for all.