When The Emotions Are Overwhelming

The past two weeks have been super-heavy. At least, they’ve been super-heavy for me, and I sense from my conversations and observations that they’ve been super-heavy for many, especially in Canada. 

First there was the discovery of a mass grave at the site of a residential school in Kamloops, BC, containing the bodies of 215 children. Even writing that sentence fills my body with a sense of intense disbelief, combined with grief and anger. The discovery has led to a heightened realization that as Canadians we have a lot to reckon with in our collective history, and we must do so beginning NOW (it should have been done long ago, but since it wasn’t, NOW is what it must be).  

Then, a week ago, a young man chose to run his vehicle into a family of 5, who were out for an evening walk in their London, ON neighbourhood. The police have confirmed that he targeted them because they were visibly Muslim. I have no eloquent words in response to this horror; I just keep hearing myself say “What the hell” (I can’t stop at the tamer “heck”) in utter disbelief, punctuated with various expletives.  

Behind all of this, for me personally, is a tide of grief that is welling up more than it has been recently, as we approach what would have been my Dad’s 77th birthday. We are less than a year from his death, and the grief as we approach what should have been a celebratory milestone is palpable.  

With all of this going on, I find myself saying, from time to time, “it’s just too much”.  

Despite all of this, however, despite the feeling of “too much”, I am somehow moving along. I am getting things done. I am holding my own.  

A few folks have asked how I am managing this. Here is my answer: I’m being real.  

In every workshop I lead, in every coaching session I do, during every project that I work on, I make sure to take the time and express exactly what is happening for me, as appropriate. When working with others, I don’t make things about me; that is not my job. I don’t hijack the sessions.  

I do, however, be sure to model for others how to be real about what is going on. I name the emotions or experiences that are present and I invite others to do the same. I challenge folks to move beyond the cursory, customary “I’m fine” and replace it with what is actually true. No judgement, no evaluation, no fixing; and, more importantly, no sidestepping.  

Sometimes, we do this using actual “feeling” language. At other times, we use structures and metaphors. For example, “what’s a breakfast cereal that describes how you are right now”? Or, “if you could use a weather term for what is happening right now, what would it be”? These sorts of image-based scenarios can take us out of our logical brains and allow a bit of creativity to emerge. It can also be a little easier to access at some times, than the naming of actual experiences.  

Whichever process I use, however, it’s always about naming what’s real. And here’s why I do this: while it can be tempting to “put on a brave face” and pretend that all is well, the energy of whatever is real is going to be felt anyway. Whether it’s fatigue, confusion, despair, sadness, curiousity or anything else, energy makes itself felt. And if it isn’t named, its presence can cloud and confuse the space in which you are trying to get things done.  

Once you name what’s going on, you (and those around you) are better equipped to consciously choose how to move forward. You can do so, with all of the information at hand. If you don’t name it? It will rear its head when you least expect it and derail things, every single time. It’s kind of like a toddler who feels ignored at a birthday party; at some point, said toddler will express themselves, making sure to grab your attention.  

So, this week, I invite you to be real. This isn’t about being a downer or being self-centred. It’s about being human. With everything that’s going on in the world right now, what we need is more shared humanity. This is how we ensure that folks don’t feel alone and that they feel supported. And by “they”, I mean all of us. In a world where we are all supported, we can all be better. When we can all be better, we will do better. And it starts, by each of us being real.