How Well Do You Say “No”?
Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a prevalent sense of overwhelm for many people. Heck, I myself have experienced it to some degree. It’s kind of normal, you know?
I happen to know, however, that while it may be normal to some degree, overwhelm isn’t NECESSARY. In other words, while the feeling of overwhelm can be part of the human experience, it’s not a required experience. Or, perhaps more accurately, it’s not an experience that needs to stick around for a long period of time. While moments of overwhelm can be normal (and some might argue that they are necessary, in order for you to recognize and appreciate moments of calm), chronic overwhelm is overrated. And quite frankly, it can be harmful.
Too much overwhelm is draining.
It’s debilitating to some extent.
It wears you out, and has you disengage from the world around you.
Being disengaged does not allow you to live life meaningfully.
One of the things that contributes to overwhelm is this habit that many folks have of saying “yes” to things, without a whole lot of thought. Or, saying “yes” out of fear of some imagined consequence.
Someone will be mad at me if I don’t agree.
My boss asked me, so I have to or I will lose my job.
My friend won’t be my friend anymore.
The list could go on for a bit. The common thread, you’ll notice, is around how we are viewed in various relationships and the potential fallout if we are viewed as less than compliant.
These fears might be rooted in truth. I get it. That being said, if you say “yes” to the requests of everyone outside of yourself, by default you are saying “no” to at least some of the things that matter to YOU. And that’s not a trade-off that serves you well over time.
Imagine the following scenario: you’re at work, plugging away at that lengthy to-do list on your desk. Your boss comes in and asks/states/suggests that you do another task. In this moment, you’ve got a few options:
1) Agree on the spot, and have the new request take priority over your existing tasks
2) Agree on the spot, with the caveat that you will complete your existing tasks first
3) Ask for time to think about the request
4) Decline the request and provide rationale for your decision
Often the tendency is to choose option 1 or 2. And, unfortunately, the tendency extends beyond requests from your boss. You likely respond similarly to requests from your friends, your colleagues, and your family,
On the surface, such responses seem anything but problematic. You will likely be seen as accommodating, cooperative, supportive, helpful, kind. While these descriptors are lovely and might be true of who you are, it might also be true that you are simply fearful, or reactionary. And while these traits can work well for the individual asking something of you, they don’t generally work in your favour.
So, what’s the solution? Learn to say “no”.
Saying “no” doesn’t make you mean, or defiant, or uncooperative (necessarily). The ability to say “no” is actually a necessary skill to hone, particularly when you can say “no” with a neutral energy. This isn’t about being disrespectful or rude. This is about recognizing your own limitations, your own boundaries, and honouring them.
There are a myriad of ways to say “no”. Any and all of the following are reasonable options:
“Let me think about it and get back to you.”
“Maybe later.”
“Not right now.”
“I can’t (won’t) do that, but I’ll do this instead.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
Really, what I’m pointing to is the importance of knowing and understanding what really matters to you, what you’re willing to compromise on, and the price you’re willing to pay to maintain your own sanity and sense of self.
Will your boss be mad at you if you say “no” to attending an off-site meeting after hours? Maybe. And, there’s merit in at least getting some clarify before you make a decision. Have a discussion about why the request is being made, what the expectation is for your attendance, and what might happen if you don’t attend, before you respond with an immediate “yes”.
Bottom-line: when it comes to responding to the requests of others, there’s something to be said for learning to say “no”, clearly. It’s about learning to pause before responding, and then articulating a response that aligns with who you are and what really matters to you. It’s about understanding that folks have more respect for you when you can draw a clear boundary. Learn to say “no” with confidence, and allow yourself to reap the benefits of a life lived in alignment with the things that are important to you. This is the secret to minimizing overwhelm.