You Say You “Didn’t Mean To”? Here’s Why I Don’t Care
Over the years, I have noticed a very particular tendency of folks to focus on intention when it comes to explaining their actions or behaviours. Typically, intention is used to try and justify or excuse behaviour, particularly behaviour that has been called out as hurtful or negative in some way. There’s an immediate move to defend one’s actions, using “I didn’t mean to” as the source of justification.
The exchange often looks something like this:
Person A: says or does something that creates harm or hurt
Person B: expresses frustration/angst/disappointment/hurt in response, and tells person A of the impact
Person A: says “I didn’t mean to hurt/annoy/offend you”. Possibly preceded by “I’m sorry, but…”
Recently, I have become more than a little frustrated by the various versions of this type of exchange. Because what’s needed in moments like this isn’t an explanation of intention; what’s needed is responsibility for impact. And let me be really clear here: saying, “I’m sorry, but…” isn’t how you take responsibility for impact. Instead, that’s an attempt to let yourself off the hook.
Now, I totally understand WHY folks try to explain intent. Everyone wants to do the right thing, or at least be thought of as someone who does the right thing. And, the fact is, intent is important. Let me say that again, another way. Intent DOES matter; it just doesn’t matter to the degree that you think it does. And it certainly doesn’t matter more than the resulting impact of your words or actions.
The truth is that even actions rooted in the very best of intentions can land with horrible impact. The following are possible examples:
You say something intending to cheer someone up and inadvertently cause them more pain.
You offer to help someone who you think is in need, and they instead feel like you are belittling them.
You try to infuse some humour during a difficult conversation, only to have those in the group feel like you are not taking things seriously.
When you become aware that your impact wasn’t what you intended, your focus needs to be on the actual impact, not on what you meant. It really doesn’t help to explain your good intention; what’s needed is for you to take responsibility for what happened IN SPITE of your intention.
Now, let me point something out here. In our very fast-paced world, where everything happens a mile a minute, you might not be as consciously well-intentioned as you imagine. In other words, you might believe that you “didn’t mean to” do whatever you did; my question is, did you actually, consciously think it through? Did you have an actual intent before you took the action?
You might have; and maybe not. In either case, saying you “didn’t mean to” is only a small piece of what might be helpful. You now need to move beyond your intent, stop thinking that it somehow justifies things or lets you off the hook, and take full responsibility for what actually transpired. In other words, take responsibility for your impact.
What does taking responsibility look like? Well, it usually begins with an apology -- one that is sincere. It also includes a correction -- some adjustment to what was done or said to mitigate the impact, if possible. If you don’t know how you can rectify the situation, ask those who were on the receiving end of whatever impact you created -- and listen to what they have to say. Finally, to fully take responsibility you must make a commitment to not take that action again.
Without this sort of responsibility for impact, I really don’t care too much about what you intended. In fact, hearing you say that you “didn’t mean to” is only mildly reassuring; I generally operate from the assumption that you don’t mean to create harm or hurt, because I believe that most humans are striving to be and do good in the world -- but that doesn’t change the fact that you did create harm or hurt. And that’s the piece that needs to be rectified.
Bottom-line: it’s time to focus less on your intent, and pay attention to impact. Notice when folks call you out, and stop defending your intentions. Take responsibility for impact because when you have an impact (and you always have an impact) intended or not, you leave an indelible mark. Taking responsibility for the marks that do harm is essential to all of us being able to know better and do better, in our collective quest to create a world that is better.