Accessing and Providing The (Secret) Key to Success
The key to success is ______________.
Do you know how to fill in the blank? What word or phrase might you use?
Perseverance? Commitment? Presence? Support?
While these all play a role, and can be seen as valuable keys, none is THE essential key. The essential key to success is a concept so simple it’s overlooked in many organizations, by even their seemingly most successful employees and leaders. The same holds true in family constructs and friend groups. The key to success is something we all have access to, but so many refuse to use. Simply put, the key to success is ASKING FOR HELP.
Now, there’s a two-sided responsibility to this concept. The first side belongs to the person needing help. The second, to the person in a position to provide help. Let’s look at each of these just a little more closely.
If you are the one needing help, then these are the things for you to keep in mind:
It’s up to you to shoulder the responsibility of doing the asking. You cannot wait for others to offer. You cannot wait for someone to speak up on your behalf. You’ve got to take a deep breath (or two or three) and ask.
There’s very little value in playing the “wait and see -- things might get better” game. If you recognize that you are floundering, the longer you wait, the deeper you sink into the quagmire. The time to ask is now; so do it.
It’s time to ditch the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness; it’s not. It’s courageous, and wise, and of service to all.
Remember that help can look a lot of ways; so be clear on how help might look for you. When you ask for help, have a few ideas available to share in terms of what you are seeking.
If at first you don’t succeed, ask, ask again. Sometimes you need to ask more than once -- or several different people -- before you get the help you need. Be prepared to stay the course.
Understand the difference between someone helping you (which allows you to grow, become and evolve into a better version of yourself) and someone doing something for you (which is disempowering if done repeatedly).
If you are the one being asked for help, or who is in a position to help, then consider the following:
I repeat point #6 from above: there’s a difference between doing something for someone, and helping them. You might do something for another as a means of helping, but often that help isn’t actually helpful. It doesn’t build competence, or confidence, or independence. It may serve in specific, one-off situations (think of someone who has fallen ill and needs help with getting meals); and it’s not appropriate in cases of the “I don’t know how to do this” variety.
Asking questions for folks to access their own answers can be an effective way of helping. Questions like, “what have you tried” or “what do you think you could do in this situation” help the seeker of help to start to get unstuck in their thought-process, and learn to value their own process.
In an organization or group-setting, everyone bears responsibility for creating an environment in which asking for help is encouraged. If you aren’t being asked for help at least occasionally, don’t assume that everyone knows what they’re doing; make sure that your environment is conducive and safe for folks to ask for help.
When someone asks for help, recognize the strength and courage it took to do so. Don’t minimize their request or dismiss it.
If you feel like someone is always asking for help, and rarely willing to try things on their own, examine your own part in that. What is the penalty if someone takes a risk and makes a mistake? How much acceptance is there for supposed failure?
In the case of someone always asking for help, remember that help looks a lot of ways -- so get creative in how you help folks. Do you mentor? Do you guide? Do you use a “watch me and learn” approach? Find new ways that encourage folks to go out on a limb, stretch, grow and evolve.
Bottom-line: while asking for help is the key to success, organizations and groups have to be sure that the key is available and accessible. On the flip side, everyone within the organization or group needs to be willing to access and utilize it. The key is there; it only works if used. It’s time for everyone to embrace the idea of asking for help, in service of experiencing greater success.