Support: It Doesn't Always Look the Way You'd Like

I know I said I'd probably share lessons from my South Africa trip for several weeks, and that is my plan. However, not all of the lessons I gleaned during that time had anything to do with the trip itself. Some of the lessons came about as a result of having down-time, time away from the usual routine, time to think with a clearer headspace. This post is about one such lesson.

I found myself thinking one day about the nature of support. What I know about this concept is that everyone likes to feel supported. I can't think of anyone who is okay feeling alone -- which, in my mind, is the opposite of support. 

Support is about having allies.

Support is about being held.

Support is about knowing someone's got your back. 

Support is about being agreed with. 

Hold up; what was that? Support is about agreement? Really?

I couldn't point to a particular incident or scenario that had me start thinking about support, but I can tell you this: I had a moment when I realized that sometimes, the greatest support can be expressed in DISAGREEMENT. I know; it was hard for me to wrap my head around this myself. So assuming you're in the same boat, let me explain.

Support at its essence is about having someone's best interests at heart. It's about choosing to act and speak in a way that aligns with what someone needs. And sometimes, although I think I might need something, someone who supports me might feel differently. And in that case, they might show their alignment by expressing their disagreement. (Note: alignment and agreement aren't the same either). 

This doesn't mean that I will necessarily act in the way that they want me to. It doesn't mean that they will necessarily succumb to my viewpoint either. The realization that I'm standing in is that when I hold a narrow view of support, when I naively believe that support is always expressed in agreement, then I deny myself the opportunity, the experience of being truly supported. 

Years ago, I had the experience of watching a friend be in what I felt was an uncertain relationship. It scared me, to be honest. I wanted the best for her. I always had her back.  I absolutely supported her. And, in the moment that I realized the qualms I had about her relationship, when I became aware of the pain that I was sure awaited her, I chose to tell her. I told her that I feared she was making a mistake. I shared my concerns. It felt very risky, but I knew that if things went the way I feared, I couldn't then in hindsight say some version of "yeah, I knew this was bad". Because what I understood then was true support is not about agreement, it's about honesty. 

For what it's worth, my friend heard me out; she was gracious and open. And she did stay in the relationship despite my misgivings. As it turned out, my misgivings were unfounded. And I'm okay with that. Support for me wasn't about being right; it wasn't about denying her choice; it was about speaking honestly and then standing alongside her in whatever her choice was, knowing that she knew my misgivings and simultaneously knew that I stood by her. 

As I look at the world around us today, I see so many instances where lack of agreement gets conflated with lack of support. It's time for us to get past this misguided notion. Sometimes, for sure, support and agreement go hand-in-hand. And sometimes? Disagreement can be the strongest show of support. Don't dismiss those who disagree with you out of hand. Get curious and discerning about how the disagreement aligns with your position. Because sometimes, the folks who express their disagreement are the folks who are actually looking out for you with their whole selves. Sometimes, disagreement is the strongest support you can ask for.