Time to Cozy Up to a Difficult Conversation

Difficult conversations. Honestly? I don't love them. In fact, most people I know don't love them. I would go so far as to say that most people I know avoid them like the plague.

They're messy. 

They're fraught with tension. 

They can sometimes involve raised voices. 

Emotions of all sorts tend to show up, and they're rarely the feel-good ones.

In light of these things, it's no wonder that most people steer clear of difficult conversations. The challenge, of course, is that difficult conversations cannot be avoided forever. Or perhaps more accurately, the longer you avoid addressing the problem -- whatever is at the core of the difficult conversation -- the bigger that problem becomes. When it comes to difficult conversations, avoiding simply equates to postponing. Sooner or later, that conversation must be had.

Difficult conversations are required in almost every aspect of life. 

They are needed at work. 

They are needed at home. 

They are needed in families. 

They are needed in friend groups. 

Truth be told, difficult conversations are needed in almost every relationship paradigm. In light of this, it feels important to set some rules in place to help facilitate those conversations

Rule #1: When initiating a conversation that you anticipate will be difficult, it's important to start by getting really clear for yourself: what is your intention and desired outcome of this conversation? Are you just wanting to air your grievances? (For the record, this is a venting session, not a conversation in any way, shape or form). Are you wanting to glean some help with a problem? What is it that you are wanting the person or people on the receiving end of your words to know or do? As the initiator of a difficult conversation knowing your desired outcome will provide an anchor for you as you delve into the various rabbit holes or tunnels that might appear. When things go askew, you can keep coming back to your desired outcome. 

Rule #2: Keep your tone as neutral as possible. Flying off the handle, or letting your emotions otherwise get the better of you creates a barrier between you and the intended recipient of your message. 

Rule #3: Despite what I've named in Rule #2, keep things real. If you are angry, say so. If you are frustrated, name that. If you're confused, be honest about it. In a difficult conversation, naming your underlying state of mind is the equivalent of opening the release-valve on a metaphorical pressure cooker. 

Rule #4: Make space to listen to what the recipient of your message has to say in response, if anything. They might not have anything to say in the moment -- especially if this conversation is coming out of the blue for them. They might need time to digest; give them that. 

Rule #5: Keep the door open to further dialogue. Admittedly, in some cases this is not a possibility. Wherever and whenever possible, however, do give space to dive deeper as necessary. 

Now, all of these rules have been offered in service of the person initiating the difficult conversation. But a conversation by its very nature involves more than one person. What do you do when you're on the receiving end of one of these difficult encounters?

From my perspective, there are a few things to keep in mind, although I'm not sure that they're rules so much as guidelines:

First, LISTEN. Yes, I put that in all capital letters, not because I am yelling at you in print, but rather because I want you to get the importance of this. In this context, listening means not getting defensive, not interrupting, being fully present, and being curious. 

Second, when there is a moment to speak -- and only in this moment -- lean into your curiousity and ask what the speaker needs. Do this before offering advice, apologies or explanations. In other words, get clear on what is actually being asked of you -- if anything -- before responding. I've seen and heard so many difficult conversations get unnecessarily derailed due assumptions being made about what was needed. 

Finally -- and this is a rule for all those involved in a difficult conversation, let yourself be a little vulnerable. Difficult conversations actually require a putting down of metaphorical armour rather than a suiting up. You don't have to bare your entire soul; you do have to be willing to expose your heart a bit. 

Bottom-line: difficult conversations are a necessary part of the human experience. Being in relationship with others means being in the presence of differences of opinion, different viewpoints and different needs. The only way to the space of lasting, meaningful relationship is through the space of discomfort. Learn to move through this space, and you'll reap the rewards of meaningful dialogue, difficulty and all.