Musings on September 11th

Generally speaking, my blog posts are written ahead of time. I often have a list of potential topics sitting on my desk, and at my designated writing time I sit down, gather my thoughts, and begin to write. Then I send the finished piece to my incredible VA (virtual assistant -- if you need one of your own, I can probably hook you up), and she does all the behind-the-scenes magic to get my words out to the world.

This week, I had no intention of doing a reflection of this nature. Then I typed out the date. And I got chills, as I always do when I write or read or hear "September 11th". That day will live in my memory forever, and it lives there as if it were yesterday. But it isn't yesterday; it's been 22 years. 

On that day 22 years ago, I had just arrived at work. It was a lifetime ago, and I was working in a local women's shelter as the Children's Advocate. My office was a spacious one, set up rather like a small den, complete with television, craft supplies, games -- you get the idea. It was a space that was warm, inviting, meant to put those who entered at ease.

I had turned on my computer around 8:30 am; I was getting settled, checking emails, and organizing myself. A co-worker came in around 9 am and told me that she had just heard on the radio that a plane had struck the twin towers in New York. We turned on the TV -- and we watched the news in a mix of stunned disbelief, fear, confusion and horror as the events of that morning unfolded. 

I don't think I got any work done that day. Not for lack of trying, just lack of ability to focus. Truthfully, work didn't seem all that important. 

I remember trying to get a hold of my brother; he was living in New York at the time. I was beyond worried, trying to tell myself that he was fine, but not able to reach him at all. My parents were eventually able to connect with him, but I spent hours feeling so lost. I later discovered that my brother was supposed to be at a meeting at the twin towers that morning, but the meeting had been pushed to the afternoon. 

At lunch time I went to see my husband at the school where he was working; it was just around the corner from where I was, and I just needed to see his face. Everywhere I looked, folks were trying to carry on as normal. But what does normal even look like in the face of the unimaginable?

The rest of the day is a blur to me. I know I made it to the end of the workday, but I'm not sure I got any work accomplished. I know I picked my son up from daycare, and held him as tight as I could. I know that I tried to keep my energy as neutral as possible, not wanting to freak him out -- and truly, just trying to stay grounded myself.

In the 22 years that have passed since that fateful day, on every September 11th, I wake with a sense of foreboding. I'm never quite sure why and then I remember the date. I'm learning that our bodies remember things in ways that defy logic And everything comes rushing back.

The fear.

The uncertainty.

The dread.

The anxiety.

And also, the longing for peace. The prayer, "please keep everyone safe" plays through my brain as if on a loop. I always want everyone to be safe; and on September 11th, as I'm reminded that everything can flip in a matter of a second, that prayer becomes more fervent. 

Today, on this September 11th, I am reminded that even as tragedy can strike at any moment, even as the world as I know it can become unrecognisable in an instant, the world does keep moving on. And within that knowledge, I hear an invitation: an invitation for all of us to do better. To be better. To strive for better even when we aren't sure what better might look like. Because while it is true that the world does keep moving on, it doesn't have to move on as it is. It can move on in a way that reflects our collective growth, and learning, and living into this concept of better. 

So, as I wrap up today's post, I extend this invitation to all of you: join me, in moving forward to better. Let's hold a vision of doing and being better and do what we can to turn that vision into reality. And when we make mistakes -- because Lord knows we will -- let's take a breath, take a pause, take a moment and then take another step towards better. We can do this. I know we can.