Learning to Say 'No'

I had an interesting conversation with a client today. This person was wanting to find a way to deal with the stress of her workplace. Her sense was that there was an ever-increasing list of demands to field and tasks to take on. This client indicated that she had a hard time saying “no” to requests, because she had a deeply embedded need to “meet expectations” – and requests are stated expectations.

I asked my client to think of times in her life when she had, in fact, said no. I asked what it took, what was at play, and what allowed her to say no in those circumstances. The answer surprised both of us: “I say no just when I’m at the breaking point and not before.”

Whoa. 

So, for this client, the “say no” indicator is when she’s about to break. As we dug deeper into this, what became apparent is this person carries the “need to meet expectations” as a non-negotiable of sorts. It doesn’t matter if the expectations at play are either perceived or real, realistic or manageable or not. Whenever there is a sense of expectation, unless she is about to break, her answer will always be yes.

I know that my client is not alone in this experience. 

The question I asked next – and what I want to put forward for you as well – is this:

What if you could say no BEFORE reaching the breaking point? What would be possible then?

I assert that learning to say no early in the game (whatever that game is) allows for more freedom, less angst, and a more stress-free (or at least stress-less) experience. Heightening your awareness of what is happening in any given moment, means you don’t have to actually get to your breaking point; you can notice signs that the metaphorical wall is on the horizon, and ensure you don’t hit it. Essentially, slowing down, being in the moment, giving yourself permission to pause before saying yes – or even more radically, allowing no to be your default rather than yes – means that you don’t have to break before something gives. 

Bottom-line: there’s liberation to be found in learning to say no. The best way to do this, is to practice slowing down, noticing what’s happening in your body and mind, and honouring your expectations of yourself as much as (if not more than) the expectations of others. A clear no is always better than a half-hearted (or guilt-ridden) yes. Give yourself permission to say no, and notice what opens up as a result.