Moving Beyond Who You Are

“That’s just who I am”. 

This is a phrase I hear a fair bit from folks. The phrase seems to be one that is embraced by all demographics – adults, children, male, female, professionals, unemployed, you name it. 

In and of itself, the phrase doesn’t seem problematic. In fact, it could be argued that it’s a good thing. There’s a way that saying “that’s just who I am” can give the impression of being self-aware. That being said, there is a way that this phrase is problematic. And the problem lies in the use of the word “just”. 

“That’s JUST who I am”. 

Can you hear the smallness of the phrase? The limitation? Can you feel the box that gets built around you?

When you or I or anyone articulates “that’s just who I am” we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow beyond the qualifiers of the moment. Think for a moment of how and when you (or those you know) use this phrase. Often, it’s when someone is pointing out a perceived flaw, or asking for something that you aren’t comfortable doing or being.

For example:

“You’re always so pessimistic.”  (“That’s just who I am.”)

“You seem scared to break the rules.” (That’s just who I am.”)

“You’re always rocking the boat.” (That’s just who I am.”)

Now, before you think that I’m suggesting this only happens in supposedly “negative” contexts, let me share some other examples:

“You’re such an optimist.” (That’s just who I am.”)

“You’re so generous and kind.” (That’s just who I am.”)

“You’re always inspiring.” (That’s just who I am.”)

As you read these examples, my guess is that you can see the limiting nature of the “just who I am” with the first three, and not so much with the latter. Trust me when I say, the phrase is problematic whenever it is used. Why? Because it limits your capacity to stretch beyond what you’re aware of right now. It denies the very human capability to do and be more than you might want to admit. It keeps you from acknowledging all parts of you.

Here's what I want you to do. Grab a piece of paper. At the top, write the phrase, “I am…”. Now, create a list of words or phrases that complete that sentence, in this moment. You can think of verbs or adjectives, it doesn’t matter. Both are appropriate.

I am writing.

I am tired.

I am breathing deeply.

I am curious.

I am kind. I am quiet.

I am frustrated.

I am determined.

You get the idea.

Once you’ve completed the list (for now – you could probably go on for a while) ask yourself, what else is possible?  What might be true, even if you don’t want to admit or own it?

I am angry.

I am strong.

I am beyond capable.

I am craving chocolate.

I am forgetful.

I am ready to walk away.

I am strong.

The thing is, you are so much more than “just” anything. Your comfortable space likely has you experiencing and demonstrating particular qualities more than others, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of more. So allow yourself to let go of “just” and start to play with “also”. 

I am tired, and ALSO capable.

I am optimistic, and ALSO feeling some despair.

I am curious, and ALSO apathetic.

I am productive, and ALSO longing for a break. 

Bottom-line: you can be and experience more than one thing at a time. You are so much more than JUST anything. Years ago, in a particular leadership program I was in, we were given the phrase “I am all these words and more”. I want to offer it to you. Whenever you hear yourself saying that you are JUST anything, give yourself permission to look beyond the boundary. You are so many things. There is no need to limit yourself in any way.