The Challenges of Being a Fixer
Here’s the thing: I’m a fixer by nature. I prefer to think of it as “helping” – and most people have described me as a helper versus a fixer. Regardless of which term is used, the underlying intent is the same, at least for me: to make things easier for others. Seems like a reasonable intent; some might even say it’s a well-grounded one.
Recently, however, I forced myself to dig a little deeper into this whole “helping” persona I live into. As I dug around and explored, I came to realize a few things. The connective tissue between these realizations is that helping isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. In case you want to know these lessons yourself, here they are, in no particular order:
Lesson 1: My reason for helping is (sometimes) actually about minimizing my own discomfort. This was a hard one to admit. It sounds so selfish. And yet, if I’m honest, there can be a way that my desire to help is rooted in a real belief that if I don’t help them, I will ultimately be weighted by their challenge. This belief helps no one.
Lesson 2: When I help, I can inadvertently send the message that I don’t think the other person can handle things themselves. Over time, they then internalize that message, and become dependent on me to keep fixing or helping. This means that I will end up overloaded at some point, and that is never what I want for myself. Talk about an action that backfires.
Lesson 3: As an extension of the above, when my attention is constantly outward, looking for ways to help others, I can actually overlook the areas in which I myself need help. Yet again, setting myself up for overwhelm. Why do I do that?
Lesson 4: Sometimes, it actually serves everyone best if I can just sit with someone in the midst of their challenge. I don’t need to DO anything; I can just BE with them. When folks feel supported in their challenge, they can actually find their own solutions for whatever is at hand. I do not need to be the source of all solutions.
Lesson 5: Not every moment is a teachable moment; and, perhaps more to the point, not everyone wants me to dole out my wisdom all the time. Unless I’m in a work space where I am being paid to provide learning, or someone specifically asks for my help, I can actually let go of “here, let me share my thoughts with you”.
All of these lessons have taught me that there is an opportunity for me to start living into other parts of myself. Yes, I’m a helper. But I’m also a woman of grace and living into that grace means giving people space to find their own solutions. I’m also a creative woman; I can use my creativity in ways that are not about problem-solving for others. I am a woman who builds meaningful connection; sometimes the best way for me to build meaningful connection is to just be with others, and not try to do so much for them. I’m also a really great listener; and when I allow myself to just listen, people often feel more supported than when I try to come up with solutions for them.
Bottom-line: for those who are natural-born helpers, your gift to the world is being able to offer support and wisdom in lots of scenarios. I have this gift, and am proud of it most of the time. Like any other trait, however, helping has a downside or two. The way to minimize the experience of the downside, is to step away from overt helping from time to time. Neither you nor I need to be the fixer of all things. We can tend to ourselves and trust others to tend to themselves just as well.