Stopping the Blame Game

At this moment in time in our world, there are historical “wrongs” that we as human beings are being called to make “right”. There are mistakes from our collective past that we are being asked to correct in service of humanity and our collective growth. 

White supremacist systems.

Gender-based violence.

Systemic inequities.

Colonialism.

Appropriation of cultural customs.

Whenever discussions around these issues arise, inevitably there’s a rush to either assign or assume blame. Here’s are a few examples:

When an attempt is made to provide education around how to prevent gender-based violence, many men say that they feel like they are being accused of inappropriate behaviour; in the wake of this sense of accusation, they rush to defend themselves, as though somehow this is about them as specific individuals. The recent use of #notallmen on social media platforms speaks to this defensiveness.

When discussion arises about how to dismantle systems of white oppression, there is often an uprising of white voices declaring “I’m not racist! I don’t behave in a racist way! Why do I have to fix the mistakes of others?” Again, a sense of being accused, and then rushing to distance themselves from the discussion.

Finally, when an effort is put forth to right the mistakes of colonial rule, talking about truth and reconciliation and the rights of Indigenous communities, a large segment of the population responds with words like “I didn’t steal their land; why do I need to care about these issues? Why can’t we just get past this?” Again, these phrases (or others like them) are made from that defensive space, one in which blame is either being thrown about, felt or taken on. 

If any of these phrases feel familiar to you, if you have used them or versions of them and are feeling defensive, I invite you to stay with me here. There’s actually a different approach that will serve all of us better ☺. 

The challenge in all of these examples is that when we stand in the space of blame – dishing it out or taking it on – the conversation doesn’t actually go anywhere. Resolution is hard to come by; solutions are hard to source. It’s as though we are in a literal standoff, trying to discern more about blame, rather than learn anything about how to move forward. The underlying sense is something like, “if we could just assign/assume blame, then we would know who needs to take responsibility here – and it’s not me”. 

The problem, of course, is that in matters of human growth and evolution, in matters of righting historical wrongs, dismantling and rebuilding systems, blame is not a very useful concept.  It keeps us stuck. 

Why do we do this?

My sense is that we collapse the concepts of individual blame and collective responsibility and act as if they are one and the same. They’re not. Furthermore, as human beings we naturally lean into specific aspects of our identity – gender, race, geography, age – and when we feel like that aspect is being accused of something, we take it on personally. Not helpful.

There are definitely places and situations in which individuals must be held responsible and accept responsibility. When we’re talking about broader discussions, however – laws, systems, customs – such blame in the form of twisted responsibility isn’t helpful.

So, what is helpful? When we feel an aspect of our identity being held to account for something we didn’t personally do, what is the best approach? How do we avoid assuming blame?

First, remind yourself that this is a conversation about an issue bigger than you as an individual. This literally is not about you (unless you actually have been part of the problem – as in you have behaved in a racist way, or been demeaning toward women, for example – in which case, that’s another discussion).

From this place of recognizing the bigger conversation stand in curiousity about the matter at hand. A helpful question might be, “knowing that this isn’t about me, but rather about a bigger issue in our world (that involves folks with whom I share an identity/history/space), how can I be part of the solution?”

You see, when you move the conversation beyond yourself, you help to create what’s actually needed in our world. There is no need for you to defend yourself as a representative of a particular demographic. There is no need for you to articulate that you aren’t “the bad person” (unless you are). 

Instead, what is needed is for you to stand confidently in your role as part of humanity. What’s needed is for all of us to recognize that any and all problems that affect our broader society need us to stand in a space of collective responsibility.

Bottom-line: curiousity versus defense; responsibility vs blame. These are the qualities that are needed for us to tackle the challenges of today.