Want to Let Go? Embrace This One Belief
Confession: Historically, I have had a hard time letting go. Not of material things so much (although sometimes, those can hang around for a while) but emotional things and social interactions. If someone hurts me, it can be a long time before the sting is gone. If I make a mistake, I have been known to berate myself for months thereafter. If someone abuses my trust, I’m not sure I ever recover from that. This inability to let go has been a part of my modus operandi for as long as I can remember.
The thing is, I know that holding on in this way does not serve well. I know that there is something to be said – actually, a whole lot to be said – for developing the capacity to let go -- to release myself from the emotional prison that I inadvertently create, and to release others from the boxes in which I tend to place them. As a leader, this ability is essential.
Five years ago, I was blessed to witness several examples of this ability to “let go” – and it was from what many would consider an unlikely source; my then 16-year old son, Jacob (and yes, if you do the math, he is now 21 -- my mind is still reeling from that a bit -- but I digress).
Five years ago -- and certainly in the years since -- I have had the opportunity to see that Jacob has this extraordinary capacity to let go. I’ve watched it time and time again. Something happens in his world – a disappointment, a supposed failure, a missed opportunity – and while he absolutely experiences and expresses his frustration and disappointment in a way that you would expect, it’s not long before he has totally moved on and is poised to deal with whatever is next.
Let me be clear: in “letting go” of whatever it is that needs to be let go, Jacob doesn’t just sweep the experience aside, pretending it never happened. Instead, he allows himself to be with whatever emotion arises, allows himself to feel it and process it, makes a choice as to what action to take (if any) and then he puts it out of his mind and moves on.
Five years ago, following yet another experience of witnessing such a moment for Jacob, I asked myself why he was able to let go so easily. As I sat with this question, I recalled the quote by Daphne Rose Kingma: “Holding on is believing that there is only a past; letting go is knowing that there is a future.” Jacob – and others who are able to let go effectively – are able to do so because they can see beyond the moment (even as they fully immerse themselves in it) knowing that there is so much more that lies ahead. They are not limited by what has happened. Instead, they can and do step past the experience, and move on to what’s next.
Bottom-line: in life and leadership disappointments and hurts are inevitable. The key to navigating these times is the ability to let go. And when it comes right down to it, the secret to letting go is to know that there is still more to come. You cannot embrace what will be if you are holding on to what was. So let go – and notice how your burdens lessen.