Listening and Curiousity are the Keys to Success
Listening is an integral skill when it comes to coaching. When I was first studying and learning the basics of coaching, this tenet was underscored and metaphorically burned in my brain. What I've held to be true as a result is that without the capacity to listen, no matter what other skills I might have -- asking powerful questions, reflecting things back for my clients, leaning into my intuition, being endlessly curious, and more -- my effectiveness as a coach will be less than ideal.
Recently, I've been given loads of opportunity to observe how this tenet is true for everyone. I see how the capacity to listen -- and alongside that, the willingness to listen -- is so important to success in all arenas. Listening is essential to successful business ventures, to relationships, to personal growth. As humans we have to be willing to listen to one another, to the world around us, and to our own inner nudges.
Listening in and of itself isn't hard. At its core, it's about paying attention.
Paying attention to audible words, as well as the silence that surrounds words (you know, the stuff that isn't said, but is heard in the context).
Paying attention to the environment in which you find yourself, noticing the details that are present as well as those that are missing.
Paying attention to what you see -- I know, we don't think of vision as something that supports listening, but it does. What we see often informs what we understand.
There are two things that inevitably get in the way of paying attention, and by extension, of listening. The first is distractions. The second is our need to explain or defend, especially when what we are hearing goes against what we hold to be true or how we want to be seen. Let me explain.
When I operate in the world, I have a strong desire to be seen as a good person, to be liked, to be accepted and understood. I have certain beliefs that are core to my being, and the way in which I move and live in the world is a reflection of these beliefs. My relationships and the way in which I engage in them is a reflection of these beliefs.
If someone questions my way of being, or my beliefs, or the way I show up -- for example, someone might say that they find something I've said offensive -- instinctively, I want to defend or explain. I want them to either agree with me, or at least understand why my statement isn't as "bad" as they feel. I may or may not even listen to the entirety of what they are saying; the minute I get the sense that my intentions, my beliefs, my ideals are not landing, in an effort to be understood (and ultimately, to prove I'm right) I stop truly listening and move to defense.
This is a pretty common human practice. I don't know a single human who is cool with being "wrong".
The challenge is that, by stopping listening, by moving to defense myself, I set the stage for the other person to also be defensiveness. Now, nobody's listening, and tension is escalating. Basically, in the absence of listening, the resulting environment is nothing more than a space for finger pointing, retreating, sulking and eventually an entire breakdown of communication.
So. what's the solution? Staying curious, and putting defense at bay.
I know for a fact that this isn't easy. As I said earlier, my own experience when I feel wronged, or criticized or misunderstood is one of wanting to explain myself. There's a part of me that feels a bit of shame -- because I grew up with the idea that being wrong is BAD -- and so I can very easily move to the space of trying to prove that I'm right (not necessarily the only person who's right, but certainly not someone who's wrong).
When, however, I can keep myself out of defense (which requires me taking a breath or two or three), and get curious -- curious about what is happening, what the alternative perspectives are, what is actually being said -- then the conversation actually moves forward.
Curiousity leads to solutions.
Curiousity deepens relationships.
Curiousity allows for meaningful listening.
Bottom-line: in a world where tensions are running hot more often than not, where the odds of having your beliefs called into question are high, and the chance of being misunderstood is simply a matter of time, each of us must find a way to put defensiveness aside and LISTEN. Moreover, we need to get curious. In the words of Ted Lasso (have I mentioned that I love this show??) we need to get curious, not judgmental. While the age-old adage would have us believe that curiousity killed the cat, I assert that genuine curiousity is what helps build genuine understanding. And when we can understand one another, then we can put our defenses down and create harmony and success for in meaningful ways.