Want to Understand? Do This
So, the Oscars happened last weekend. You may have heard. (Admittedly, by the time you read this, it will have been TWO weekends ago, but it’s still relevant to this post; bear with me).
There were awards and accolades galore.
A bunch of celebrities celebrating and being celebrated.
A beautiful witnessing of Lady Gaga’s humanity.
Breaking of barriers by Troy Kotsur as the first deaf man to receive an Oscar (and only the 2nd person in history – Marlee Matlin was the 1st).
And, oh yeah, Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.
In case you’ve somehow missed that particular exchange – or at least missed hearing about it (which I sort of envy you, if this is the case – it filled my news feeds for several days after the incident) – here’s how it went down: Chris Rock made a (tasteless, in my opinion) joke about Jada Pinkett Smith; Will Smith took offense; Will Smith walked onto stage and slapped Chris Rock’s face; Will Smith sat back down and said words that I don’t wish to repeat, just because I’m tired of reliving the episode.
Anyhow, despite my fatigue around the matter, I am aware that there has been a whole lot of reaction, a whole lot of opinion, and a whole lot of finger-pointing in response to “the slap”. And there have been a lot of statements made about who has the right to say what and to whom and when. (I hope you’re still with me – I do have a point to all of this).
One of the things that I myself noticed was a sense that there is way more to be unpacked with respect to this specific incident. I found myself swimming in a sea of complexity. Given the social context in which we find ourselves, I don’t believe it’s as simple as Will slapped Chris, and Chris shouldn’t have made a disrespectful joke. I watched my social media feeds as various people of colour spoke up and dared to assert that there was more at play, and that white supremacy played a role – admittedly, a historical role – in what took place. As a woman of colour who is doing my own work in the DEI space, and engaging in DEI work for groups and organizations, this intrigues me. And then there was the response from many white folks that went something along the lines of “I don’t understand; I may not be black but I know how this impacted me and I’m outraged and therefore I will talk about what I’m thinking no matter what.”
I find myself sighing at this sort of response, and here’s why: when you don’t understand something, it’s not the moment to talk. It’s the moment to listen. Specifically, it’s the moment to listen to the folks that have insight into whatever it is you don’t understand. This is the crux of my post today – because there are so many situations in which folks find themselves, where they admit to not understanding something, and they talk anyway.
Admittedly, not talking about my thoughts is hard to do. Moreover, listening to those who have opinions that differ from mine can be even harder. I mean, I know I would much rather talk and listen to folks I DO understand. It’s so much easier on my brain, you know? Less tiresome. Less draining.
But listening only to those I understand, or those who think like me, doesn’t really enrich my life. It makes me super-comfortable, for sure, and there is definitely a place for comfort. Situations like this, however, may not be all that well served by comfort. We actually need to sit in discomfort for a bit in order to get to a place of understanding.
Many years ago, while delivering a workshop on communication, one of the participants shared that they really wanted to listen better. They wanted to know how they could learn to do so. I looked them in the eye and said, “stop talking.”
After the room of participants – including the one in question – stopped chuckling, I elaborated. If you truly want to enhance your capacity to listen, you must stop talking. Simultaneously, you must pay attention.
Listen.
Listen as much to what isn’t being said, as to what is.
When you do talk, ask questions rather than making statements.
You will learn far more – and in many cases you will move things forward more quickly – when you listen.
Listening is the precursor to understanding. Although I set the stage for this post by referencing the Oscars, honing the skill of listening effectively will serve you well no matter the scenario.
At work.
At home.
With your friends.
Whatever challenge you are facing, whenever you find yourself in a space where you don’t understand, stop talking. Listen instead. Get curious and notice what you learn. Then, let that learning inform your responses and choices. Your choices will be more grounded, I promise you. And as a bonus, by learning to listen more fully, you will build your capacity to be in the presence of folks who think differently from you. Which may just be the key to our world being better in the future.