Why Drawing Boundaries Isn't Working
For the last several years there has been a growing emphasis on drawing boundaries. Whether at work or at home, with friends, colleagues, neighbors, or strangers, the core message is some version of “to maintain your health and well-being and to create strong relationships, you must learn to draw clear boundaries.”
Sage advice, right?
Boundaries are essentially relationship fences. Just as a fence on physical property designates where folks can be or where certain activities can take place safely, relational boundaries indicate how far and in what way we are able to interact with one another. Clear boundaries are more than helpful; they are essential.
That being said, there is an inherent problem with boundaries: they don’t work in and of themselves. In order to truly be effective, boundaries must be enforced. For many people, such enforcement is challenging, to say the least.
What makes boundary enforcement so hard?
Enforcement requires energy, both mental and physical. If you’re tired in any way, enforcing boundaries can deplete you.
Enforcement requires clarity – clarity about the intention of the boundary, as well as its limits. You can’t enforce something you’re not clear about.
Enforcement sometimes requires firm, difficult conversations; if you’re someone who “hates conflict”, then enforcing boundaries is something you will avoid, rendering those boundaries relatively useless.
Despite the challenges that exist when it comes to boundaries, the fact of the matter remains: you need boundaries in order to have healthy relationships. This is true in all areas of your life. And both the drawing and enforcing of those boundaries are up to you.
I don’t often quote Dr. Phil, but these words of his ring true: “We teach others how to treat us.”
If you are feeling in any way that you are being taken for granted, unappreciated, or disrespected, it’s likely a sign that you need to look at your boundaries. If you don’t have them, start drawing them. And once you’ve drawn them, invest the energy to enforce them.