Want to be a Better Leader? Build Your Trust Muscle!

One of the things that I find challenging is when those in leadership roles attempt to micromanage everything.  What I know for sure is that the micromanagement gets in the way of effective leadership AND it comes from a lack of trust.  The whole “do it my way” or even “do it this way” mentality is rooted in a belief that as the leader, you’ve got the be-all and end-all answers to whatever challenge presents itself in the moment.  Here’s what I want you to know:

As a leader, you’re smart, you’re creative, you’ve got insight and wisdom, no doubt about it.  The solutions you are able to put forward may in fact be the best for a given circumstance.  And they might not be.  Believe it or not, others may have better ideas.  Even if they’re not better, even if they’re simply different, they might be as effective and when you refrain from imposing your ideas on your team of followers — when you allow them to use their best judgment to accomplish whatever needs to be done — you get stronger buy-in and long-term commitment to your cause, whatever it might be.  In other words, you have got to be willing to trust that your team — however large, however young, however diverse — can handle the job and get it done.

Will they sometimes get it wrong?  Yes.  Will anyone ever take advantage of the trust you place in them?  Maybe.  Will someone find a loophole that circumvents the system you put in place?  Possibly.  And all of those types of situations can be addressed — and need to be addressed — on a one-off, case-by-case manner, rather than instituting blanket systems rooted in a micromanagerial style.  If you’re dictating everything from when breaks are taken, how sick days may be used, what fonts must be used for memos, and the length of specific reports, you are NOT leading.  In the words of George S. Patton:  “Don’t tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with the results.”

Being in a leadership role can sometimes feel like you’ve got to know it all, show it all and prove it all.  In actual fact, however, the most effective leadership provides a frame, a frame based in trust, and then allows individuals to navigate their way within that frame in the way that’s right for them.  If you truly want to be an inspiring leader, an effective leader, a leader worthy of your salt, develop your trust muscle.  Trust yourself, trust others and stop micromanaging.

Who Are You Going to Believe?

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.  There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.  To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve got some great ideas, of this I’m sure.  I’m a strong, confident woman with a keen intuitive sense of what is needed in various situations.  I totally trust my gut — I don’t think it’s ever steered me wrong.  And yet, I find myself questioning what I know from time to time.  It’s so bizarre.  And then, when I read the above quote by Emerson I realized that this sort of questioning probably happens more often than I care to admit, and that I’ve absolutely had to be courageous to do some of the things I’ve chosen to do — like start my own company.

This whole idea — the idea that following the path that you carve out for yourself will be met with resistance and therefore requires courage –  feels novel somehow.  And wrong.  I guess what feels wrong specifically is the idea that we question each other and our choices.  What’s funny, as I sit with this, is that I think we only question our own choices when someone else questions them first.

So now, the question that’s coming up for me is this:  is the self-doubt a bad thing?  The introspection that has you evaluate from time to time?  My intuitive answer is “nope.”  I don’t think the introspection is wrong — until and unless it takes you right off your path.  I think there’s a way that you’ve got to hold both — the possibility that you’re wrong along with the belief that you’re right.  And then there’s the third thing to hold, which is the willingness to change or modify your plans if in fact you are wrong in some way. Weird.

I guess the bottom-line realization for me this morning is this:  I am willing to entertain the doubts, whether mine or someone else’s for a brief time.  After that, however, unless something has radically changed, I’m going to believe and trust my intuition and follow the path that I believe to be right for me.  This is an ability I’ve developed, the ability to know what needs to be done.  It may not look or feel right to you; it may not be what you would choose; and that’s okay.  I’ll trust that you know your path, and I know mine and all will be good.

Time to Bite the Bullet

“We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success.”  ~Henry David Thoreau

For the past few weeks — heck, it’s probably been closer to a month — I’ve been playing with an idea.  I think it’s a pretty good idea, another path for moving forward to the creation of something good in the world.  If I’m going to be honest, I’ve had a couple of ideas that I’ve been playing with and exploring, but this one idea is the one that’s top-of-mind today.

As I’ve sat with the idea, I’ve looked at it’s merits and flaws from every possible angle.  I’ve shared my potential plans with one or two people I trust, seeking their perspective into how this might or might not serve the bigger picture.  My sense as I write this blog post this morning is that I’ve got answers to virtually every question I can possibly think of, and the few questions that remain can get answered as I move forward, however I choose to move forward.  And therein lies the kicker.

Using Thoreau’s quote above as a descriptor of where I’m at, my sense is that it’s time for me to leap.  I’ve been very conscious and deliberate up until this moment, and I think that’s a good thing.  I don’t believe that there’s anything I’m consciously overlooking — and I am aware that there are some things I don’t know.  These “unknowns” are what could hold me back from what otherwise seems like a good move.  And, I’ve decided that I’m not going to hold myself back.  I’m going to leap — and so I sent off an email to the person involved, to let her know that I’d like to move ahead.  The ball’s in her court now; I’ve made my leap.  (I promise I’ll let you in on the details of the leap once I hear what her decision is   ).

One of the things I know for sure is that when one wears the mantle of leadership, this sort of scenario — the scenario whereby one finds herself at the point of leaping, but still unsure of some answers — is all too common.  You see, you can’t always have all the answers, as much as you would like to.  And my sense is that this where you get to walk that fine line of knowing as much as you can, and then taking a chance.  That’s what leadership is all about.  Sometimes, you’ve got to leap into the unknown.  Due diligence is required — to a point.  Then you’ve got to take a risk.

Bottom-line: if you wait until you have all the answers, you’ll wait forever.  Because you cannot have all of the answers, I’m not even sure if you can have most of the answers.  I do know that you can have some of the answers.  And then you’ve just got to do what feels right, and adjust your course of action as necessary, when necessary, from thereon in.

5 Steps to Dealing with Blind Spots

Yes, it’s true.  Even leaders have blind spots.  One of the things I’m discovering is that these blind spots are often self-induced.  Why?  Because it can be oh-so-easy to buy into the myth that, as a leader, you must somehow know it all.  Which means you can walk around with the idea that there’s nothing you can’t handle.  Which, in turn, can very quickly lead to the place of not admitting when you don’t actually know the answer to something.  In other words, you end up being actually unable to see when you’re floundering, or about to flounder.  Blind spot.

What is it about our society that puts this pressure on leaders?  What would become possible if leaders were allowed some latitude, allowed the opportunity and given permission to get things wrong, make mistakes like anyone else, admit to their shortcomings?  Would these in anyway diminish their leadership abilities?  My guess — and actually, my experience — is that it wouldn’t.  My guess is that having leaders own and acknowledge their blind spots — even allowing others to point out blind spots and support leaders in circumventing them — would actually enhance leadership ability in the long run.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  leaders who are allowed to be human — and perhaps more importantly, leaders who allow THEMSELVES to be human — are actually the leaders who lead effectively.

So, all this being said, how does one deal with blind spots?  What strategies can be used to acknowledge and then move around these areas?  Here’s my  5-step system:

1. Surround yourself with trustworthy people who will, in a non-judgmental, completely supportive way, point out when there’s something you’re not seeing (a blind spot).
2. Become familiar with your own voice of judgment so you can recognize when it starts speaking, and then turn your attention to the voice of reason which allows you to make mistakes.
3. Let go of having to be perfect — in fact, celebrate mistakes as learning opportunities.
4. Remind yourself that some of the greatest leaders in history made mistakes — and achieved victory by moving past those.
5. Once in a while, shut your brain off and act from the heart — the heart’s blind spots aren’t nearly as debilitating as those of your brain.  In other words, your heart will rarely steer you wrong.

Bottom-line:  blind spots exist.  That’s all there is to it.  Whether you’re a leader, a follower, or someone who hasn’t yet found your place in the game of life, you have blind spots.  Trust me.  And, owning them and knowing that they’re simply part of the deal is critical.  Once you’ve done that, you can take steps to navigate over, through and around them.

Do Little Things Count?

Well, I’m smack-dab (or “dam-smack” as my 7 year old says!) in the middle of a full-fledged writing week, the first of 4 scheduled for this year.  The writing weeks are something which my co-author and I co-created for ourselves, as a structure and container within which to honour our commitment to work on the 2nd book in our series, without compromising or sacrificing the integrity of our individual coaching companies.  With this structure, we can throw ourselves into the writing for one whole week at a time, feel the momentum, harness the creativity and really make progress, before letting things percolate for a while before we dive in again.  So far, it’s been a thing of beauty — momentum galore, productivity abounding, and laughter that I’m sure would have people wonder about our sanity, if we were working out in a public setting.

As great as this all is, one of the things that happens during this sort of focused week is that I can’t be fully immersed in my coaching company.  Makes sense; when I’m focused on one thing, I can’t be focused on another.  I get it.  I have allowed myself time at the beginning and end of each day to attend to the absolute essentials of my coaching practice — these vary a bit from week to week, but they’re the things that help keep me grounded and moving forward — follow up calls, mini-meetings, admin tasks, etc;.  Again, they’re essential — and they feel “little”, compared to the bigger things such as proposal writing, concrete coaching and seminar delivery.  Which has me ask the title question:  do the little things count?

Even as I ask it, I know the answer.  Of course they do!  In some ways, they count at least as much, if not moreso, than the “bigger” tasks.  These are the things that set the foundation and keep my business afloat.  These little tasks are the things that lead to the bigger accomplishments.  And sometimes, doing these little things requires a modicum (if not a big whack!) of courage.  And commitment.  And trust.  When I can tackle all of these little tasks with these three qualities, what I know for sure is that I’ll be able to handle the the inevitable big tasks with as much courage, trust and commitment.  The little tasks, in some ways, are a training ground for the big things.  And the eventual accomplishments and successes that come out of these tasks — big or little — can be savoured that much more.  Because I’ll know that I actually did what needed to be done to have the experience of this particular success.

Bottom-line, as a leader, I must be prepared to do the little things and the big things, even as I hold the vision and move towards my envisioned success.  Not only do the little things count, they are the things upon which the foundation of true leadership success is built.

A New Way to be With Anger

Just the other day I had the experience of bearing witness to someone being really angry.  Their anger was written all over their face, and the words, tone and body language which they used to express themselves left the recipient of their anger cowering — that’s the best word to describe what I saw.  It was an exchange between two adults.  And in fairness, to the best of my knowledge, the anger was absolutely justified, nothing misplaced about it.  The question that arose for me, and the one that I’ve been sitting with since, is this:  what’s the best way to be with anger?  Both for myself when I’m angry, and for myself when someone’s angry with me.  Is there a way that anger can be used productively?

Those of you who know me, either personally or through my blog or newsletter, know that I’m a big advocate of honesty and of “messy conversations.”  I’m all for expressing what you’re feeling truthfully, allowing things to get uncomfortable, pushing through that discomfort and then coming out on the other side of the conversation richer for the experience.  That being said, there are a couple of things that need to be present before such a meaningful (albeit “icky”) exchange can happen.

First, there needs to be a trust and understanding between the parties involved that everyone wants the same ultimate outcome.  Perhaps its high-quality care for an aging parent, saving for a child’s education, or even simply open, honest communication at all times.  Whatever the desired outcome, on some level everyone involved must know that they’re on the same page, that they’re wanting the same thing, even as they come at it from different perspectives.

Second, there needs to be an acceptance that anger as an emotion is not bad. There needs to be an understanding that anger — when expressed constructively, with a view to resolving a situation (as opposed to simply venting) — can be extremely constructive, as opposed to filled with judgment and shame.  Anger can move people and motivate people to try options that they wouldn’t ordinarily try.  As an example, years ago, a local newspaper refused to print a story about life coaching during International Coaching Awareness Week.  I was so angry with what I experienced as their “close-mindedness” that I called the local television station to see if they would do a spot around coaching.  They did, and I made an amazing media contact.  What I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have contacted the television station in the first place had I not been angry with the newspaper to begin with.

Finally, all parties involved need to stay open and engaged in the discussion, particularly when it’s happening in an environment of anger.  When you are angry and simply yelling, spewing and possibly getting violent (an extreme example, but a real possibility) you are not open or engaged in discussion; you are simply venting.  And when you are doing the equivalent of going inward and shutting out the person expressing anger, you are also not engaged; you are simply waiting for the tirade to stop.  Being open and engaged in the discussion requires you to be aware of your feelings — anger, fear, frustration, whatever — and continually monitoring, expressing and listening so that you can move towards a mutually acceptable solution.  Tearing a strip off of someone, putting them in their place, demeaning and shaming them rarely (if ever) moves a situation forward constructively.

Understand, sometimes, you will need to vent.  You will inadvertently tear a strip off someone, shame them, or ridicule them.  You will get loud; you might even pound a pillow.  These things happen.  What I’m asking you to get — and what I’m realizing afresh — is that these expressions of anger aren’t what serve relationships.  So if in fact you’ve expressed your anger in this way, you must be prepared to invest time and energy in expressing it yet again, this time in a more constructive way, namely by engaging in a conversation or two with the the following three factors in place first:  basic trust and understanding of motive; a knowledge that anger is not a judgment or shame-based; an openness to stay engaged and moving forward.

Bottom-line:  anger can be a very constructive emotion.  It’s just time for us to find a new way to be with anger, a way that recognizes its power, and a way that’s rooted in respect overall.

Learning to Make Lemonade

When I think of summer, I often think of lemonade — a nice, thirst-quenching, icy-cold glass of pure yum.  I will confess that I rarely make it from scratch — frozen concentrate works quite well for my children’s lemonade stands.  But I do know that the “from scratch” recipe isn’t that hard; essentially, it’s lemon juice, water and sugar (as well as ice, to give it that essential coolness).

This morning, I was reminded by a colleague that “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade” — and this old adage got me thinking.  In the context of life, when life provides the lemons what are the life equivalents of water, sugar and ice?  Given that I’ve got a few lemons being handed to me right now, this seems like a good question for me to ponder.  Here’s what I’ve come up with.

Life lemonade is made up of the lemons that life provides, as well as plenty of openness (water), and trust (sugar).  The openness on your part is absolutely required — it makes the pure lemon juice more palatable, even without sugar.  And the openness is about having both an open heart, and an open mind.  When making life’s lemonade, it’s essential for you to be open to the idea that something good can and will get created, or at least emerge, from the lemons.

The sweetness of the beverage is provided by trust.  If you’re going to make life lemonade, you’ve got to trust that the universe isn’t handing you anything you can’t handle, and that you’ve got the  creative genius to end up with something that serves.  When you stand in the place of trust, you willingly let go of the control demons that can make any situation sour, and allow the lemons to be transformed into something that’s more than simply palatable (which is what happens when you add the openness, aka water) — it’s down-right pleasant.

So now, you’ve got a beverage that’s almost perfect. It’s just not cold enough.  And if you want it to be cold — you’ve got to add the element of time.  That’s right, give it time to chill.  It’s funny that in colloquial terms, the word “chill” means to “relax”.  If you’re making life lemonade, you’ve got to relax and allow time for the perfect beverage to brew.

Bottom-line is this:  if life hands you lemons, you can end up with a really good, life-enhancing lemonade.  All you’ve got to do is add the right amount of openness, trust and time, and all will be well.  The metaphor seems to fit for me right now.  Here’s hoping it works for you.

How Are You REALLY? — Are You Sure?

“How are you?”  This is a question that is asked hundreds of times a day, in various forms.  And more often than not, the answer of choice is “fine, thanks”, “good, thanks”, or some similar phrase, usually delivered with very little enthusiasm or thought.  Moreover, there are definitely times where the answer “fine, thanks” is clearly not true.  Or, at the very least while it might be true, it doesn’t jive with the energy and vibe being given off.  So I’m sitting in a place of curiousity around this, wondering what it is that stops people from answering truthfully, or at least acknowledging the disconnect between their words and their energy.

Let me give an example.  This morning I called a friend very quickly to confirm plans for our children this weekend.  The moment she answered the phone, I could tell that she wasn’t in her usually cheerful spirits.  Not that she has to be; she’s entitled to feelings other than cheerfulness, especially when the weather is grayish.  That being said, when I questioned how she was, her answer was (in the most flat-lined tone possible) “oh, I’m fine. Nothing wrong at all.”  When I expressed concern about her voice tone (“are you sure?  you don’t sound fine.”) she did acknowledge that the weather was getting her down.  My question is, why couldn’t this have been part of her original answer?  What is it that has people hold back various aspects of the truth, particularly when it pertains to “how they’re doing?”

In an effort to find the answer, I’ve done a little introspection.  While I realize that I may not represent humanity as a whole, I think there may be elements of universal truth in my experience.  So here’s what I know:

-sometimes, I don’t want to share details with the person in question — due to a lack of trust, lack of intimacy, etc;

-sometimes, I haven’t actually taken the time — and don’t want to take the time –  to check in and find out how I am.  Answering with the “expected” answer feels like it’s all I can muster.

-sometimes, I’m distracted.

-sometimes, I’m trying to “fake it till I make it”; in other words, I’m trying to shift my “down-state” into something more upbeat

While all of these rationales may be true at various times for me, I do think that there’s something that gets lost, and something “icky” that gets created in its place, when we don’t take the time and effort to answer truthfully — or to at least acknowledge the discrepancy between our “fine” answer and our “less-than-fine” demeanor.  I wonder what it would take for us to interact with each other and with ourselves truthfully, at all times?  It’s just a curious question that I’m holding.  And while I hold it, I’ll invite you to ask yourself — how are you today?  Are you sure?

Dancing With a Million Ideas (More or Less)

It’s an interesting phenomenon that I’m experiencing.  Last week, I made a commitment to be open to the invitations of the universe and respond to said invitations without hesitation.  My objective here is to build some momentum based on creative, inspired energy.  What I didn’t bargain on was the myriad of ideas and invitations that would come my way.  Honestly, it’s as though every waking moment is filled with idea after idea after idea.  It could almost stop me in my tracks!

I haven’t allowed that to happen, however, because I’m aware that my commitment is to moving forward.  That’s what “responding to the invitations of the universe” means for me — moving forward on the path of my destiny without hesitation.  What I’ve had to learn (or, perhaps it’s “re-learn”),  however, is that even while there are many ideas coming my way, I don’t have to dance with them all at the same time.  If I pick one to engage with – any one at all – the others will keep circulating until I feel ready to dance with them.  That is, if they really want to dance in the first place.

In other words, I don’t have to be overwhelmed by the myriad of ideas and invitations.  I don’t have to fear that they’ll disappear and I’ll miss my chance.  Instead, I can totally trust that the really great ideas that want my attention will stick around while I give another great idea my attention; essentially, great ideas will wait their turn and I can just latch on to one and go with it for now.  The not-so-great ideas will fizzle into the background sooner rather than later, whether I give them my attention or not.

Bottom-line:  dancing with a million ideas — at least in the context of living life — means following one partner at a time, trusting that the others will be waiting when I’m done.  In the great dance of life, I don’t have to fear missing out on anything.  The ideas that want my attention will stick around.  It’s all good.

I’ve Got a Secret…

…and it’s eating me up inside.  It’s not even a shameful, hurtful secret in any way, shape or form.  Instead, I’m involved in a covert operation to plan a surprise birthday party for a loved one.  It’s actually turning into a very fun event and I can’t wait to see the look on the person’s face when they walk through the door.  My sense is that we’ve done a great job keeping this under wraps, so the surprise is bound to be exactly that — and the guests scheduled to be in attendance are a good bunch, so the evening will be a LOT of fun.

What I’ve learned through this whole experience, however, is that a secret is a secret is a secret.  And when you’re holding on to information, feeling unable to share it with anybody, it really does wreak a certain amount of havoc on you.  In my case, I haven’t slept properly for a week or so.  My mind is in constant overdrive, being ever vigilant about covering my tracks.  And the information just feels like a bit of a “burden” in some way.  It has me really curious about the impact of secret-keeping.  I’m actually exploring and pondering the theory that human beings aren’t made for secret-keeping.  Not that we can’t – clearly we can.  But when we do, there actually is a physiological impact that doesn’t necessarily serve us well.

My bottom-line question is this:  what if humanity never had secrets?  What if everyone in the planet always operated on the up-and-up, in total transparency?  Wouldn’t this augment our sense of trust, our ability and willingness to be with each other in a trusting space?  Because no matter how “good” a secret is — in this case, who doesn’t love to be showered with love and gifts — I can’t help but think that a certain amount of “mistrust” arises in the surprisee.  It’s just a theory; and I’m curious.  Something I’ll definitely sit with.  Even as I hold this secret for 11 more hours.  Wish me luck!