Are You Telling Your Story? Or Theirs?
This past week I had the glorious opportunity to just sit back, relax, reflect and reconnect — with myself, my family, my friends. It was March Break here in Southwestern Ontario, Canada, and the weather was more appropriate to the month of May than mid-March. Sunny, balmy, fresh — it was absolutely delightful.
The weeks preceding my break were hectic and crazy to say the least. So much going on in the world of work, plus a whack of personal curve balls that had me getting less sleep than I need, and really expending a lot of energy as I strove to deliberately stay in the place of peace, rather than allowing myself to be propelled into some version of hell. Needless to say, I welcomed last week with open arms, and a commitment to just allow things to move slowly.
Slowly but surely, as the week unfolded, I reconnected with my inner voice, my higher self. I could actually hear my own questions and the corresponding answers. In a rather surreal way, I started to enjoy the juxtaposition of being completely immersed in each and every moment, and standing outside myself and bearing witness to my thoughts and choices — this is what happens for me, when I allow myself to become still, even if only for a while.
As I started to watch and listen, I became more aware of my response to others — the interpretations I make, the stories I assume, the way in which I sometimes take another person’s outlook and internalize it myself, thereby making it my own. This whole thing fascinated me, because I started to realize that I’ve got a lot of personal stories that really aren’t so personal — they belong to others and I’ve taken them on. For example, somewhere along the line I internalized a storyline that says failure is bad. When someone fails, he or she is a bad person. On closer reflection, however, what I know for sure is that this is not my story. My story is that failure serves; failure is needed to move forward to a success. Success is actually born out of failure — at least to some degree. And knowing that this is my story, not the former, allows me a new perspective on whatever so-called “failures” I’m experiencing in any given moment. I’m no longer a bad person — I’m a person moving towards success.
This whole exercise of separating my stories from the internalized stories of others is simply about heightening my awareness. This isn’t about judging myself for taking on another’s story, or about judging another for having a different story. Instead, it’s about separating my stories from those of others and knowing what stuff belongs to me, and what stuff I can comfortably release. It’s really about unearthing my own personal truth.
Because what I know for sure is that owning and telling my own story, rather than unconsciously internalizing someone else’s story serves my circumstance better. Allowing other people to have their stories, and allowing myself to have a different one is part of what allows each of us to have our own process and grow as we’re meant to. So the next time you find yourself telling a story, ask yourself: is this actually your story? And if your answer is “no”, give yourself some time to unearth your own story so you can start living more resonantly. More authentically. More freely. This what I learned during my break.
From Should to Could to Will
Let me begin this article by reassuring you that I am not going to attempt to banish any particular word from your vocabulary. I am a firm believer in the idea that all words have a place in which they can be used appropriately. The challenge, as I see it, is that words have incredible power, and oftentimes it is very easy to use a word or combination of words without considering the powerful way in which they land, and the resulting impact that gets created. So really, the next few months are less about eliminating words and more about stretching your usage of them, so that the impact that is created is more in keeping with what you desire.
The first word that I’m going to invite you to play with is the word “should”. How often do you hear yourself or others talk about what “should” be said/done/accomplished? “I SHOULD go to the gym”; “You SHOULD eat more fruits and veggies”, “We SHOULD try that new restaurant”. This is a word that is very much overused in our society, in my humble opinion. This results in so many of us walking around as if we’re carrying the burdens of the world on our back. In using the word “should” indiscriminately, you create an extremely heavy load to bear!
Before exploring alternative words that may suit your circumstances more appropriately, let’s note that the word “should” is a “used to express moral obligation, necessity, etc;” according to the New Lexicon Webster’s Dictionary of the English Language. Now, when you use the word should on a daily basis, are you really attempting to convey a moral obligation? Or even a necessity? And if so, are you certain that it’s an obligation or necessity according to what you’re striving for? Or is this an old rule or paradigm that is being imposed on your life by someone else, or that you’re imposing on someone else’s life? Do you see where I’m pointing you? It’s my belief that more often than not, when you use the word should, you’re imposing a set of beliefs — obligations, necessities — into a situation that doesn’t necessarily call for it. More importantly, too often, you use the word “should” and stop the conversation from moving any further. And so this obligation hangs over your head like a looming threat. So how do you address this challenge? By moving through the “should” as quickly as possible. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say that, in the context of the life you’re creating, you’ve identified a very real necessity to exercise more. This translates into the statement “I should go to the gym”. Great. You’ve named the necessity. The question now becomes, what will you do? Naming the necessity or obligation is not enough to really motivate you to change your story. It may start you moving in a new direction, but until you shift from the place of obligation to the place of choice, you will feel burdened, and at some point you will likely rebel. So, once you’ve identified that you “should go to the gym” and that you “want to, because it will benefit your health” your new statement becomes any one of “I could go to the gym” (you’ve got an option), “I can go to the gym” (you’re capable of it, you’ve got the opportunity), to finally “I will go to the gym” (I’m committed to this course of action — it’s not obligatory, it’s what I want). Can you feel the energetic shift?
Some of you may argue that we’re really talking about semantics here. And I agree with you. The semantics in this case, however, are important. It’s the subtle, energetic differences in language that determine the quality of the story you’re creating for yourself. In the case of “should” — do you want to create a story rife with obligation and necessity? Or do you want a story filled with possibility and commitment? I assert that the latter is what you’re really going for. And if I’m wrong, then stick with you’re shoulds. Remember, this isn’t about eliminating words from your vocabulary — it’s about making sure you’re using the words that are right and true for you.
Bottom-line: the word “should” carries with it a weight that can drag you and your life’s story down. One way to shift the energy is to move as quickly as possible from should to could/can or would/will. In doing this, your story changes to one of possibility and commitment, and your burden gets lifted. And let’s face it, with all that goes on in each of our lives, we can all use a little less burden on our shoulders.
