Embracing the Space
So, I started my workday today as I often do — by logging on to my computer, connecting in to my social media sites, checking email and scanning my daytimer to see “what’s on the agenda.” Each of these activities allows me to “get connected” and prepare for what’s ahead.
Today, I had a very interesting thing happen. When I opened my email program, I was greeted by several messages from individuals who were needing to reschedule appointments, which is not a problem at all. I’m nothing if not flexible. As I responded to each request in turn, however, and then stopped to check my now altered agenda, I noticed that with the exception of one appointment, my entire calendar had been cleared for today. That’s right, every single appointment had been rescheduled to later in the week. Which means that I’ve been presented with a very spacious day.
As I sat with this noticing for a bit, I was surprised by the different internal reactions I experienced. On one hand, there was a bit (albeit a small bit) of frustration over having to rejig things. Not major; and it was there. Along with this, almost in opposition to this, there was a feeling of “freedom” — that’s the best word I can think of — a sense of having the option to use my time as I wanted, rather than having it be punctuated by appointments. This gave rise to a sense of gratitude — after all, it’s like being given the gift of time in abundance, time to address those tasks that often fall to the bottom of the to-do list.
Then there was this really weird feeling, perhaps the feeling that surprised me most of all. For this, I can find no single-word description. Instead, I’ll have to resort to a combination of words — it was a mix of curiousity and angst. It’s like I was excited about what would unfold on this day that was suddenly wide-open, and nervous about it all at the same time. I mean, why the heck is the universe clearing my calendar for me? What’s up?
As I sit here post-lunch, here’s what I know for sure. In the midst of all of these feelings, there’s a paradoxical desire to simultaneously “use my time wisely” — dive into busy-work and get things done as it were — and to give myself over to the time that’s presented itself. This morning, I’ve done a bit of both. I’ve absolutely tackled some “mundane” tasks — the filing, the research, the organizing — things that would ordinarily be overlooked in service of more important things. But I’ve also allowed myself to just sit, breathe and listen. I still don’t know exactly why the space opened up for me. And I don’t think I need to know, at least not yet. Sitting, breathing and listening is allowing my head to clear, my thoughts to crystalize, ideas to form. And so I’ve let go of needing to know, and simply embraced the spaciousness, letting my mind wander, doing what I feel called to do, and trusting that it’s all good.
Bottom-line learning: when the universe hands you a gift, in this case the gift of time, go ahead and be aware of your reaction. And, don’t let your noticings rob you of embracing and enjoying the gift. All will become clear when it’s meant to.
