Keeping it Real
One of my core values is authenticity. Those of you who know me personally or who have been following me for any length of time will likely not find this surprising. Personally, I think authenticity is essential to building trust and being in strong relationships, personal or professional.
Recently, I ran into a bit of a glitch around the whole authenticity thing. You see, I’m learning to love the world of social media. I find it a great realm in which to share and interact with my followers, personal and professional. It’s a place where I can share what I’m up to, what I’m thinking, solicit input — you get the idea. Sometimes, it’s a place where I can share concerns and challenges. And here is where the glitch arises.
I recently received feedback that I should keep my social media posts entirely professional and free of any and all concerns. No posts about headaches or challenges; no mention of quandries or dilemmas. And this left me — heck it still has me — stumped. Because, from a really authentic place, it feels important for me to share ALL of me (or at least the majority of me) with those who choose to interact with me through these channels. My intention is never to be unduly “negative.” Instead, it’s about keeping it real. I want to be transparent about the fact that, regardless of my chosen life’s work (which, admittedly, implies a certain relentless optimism) I have my challenges and cloud-filled moments too. In other words, I am as human as the next person. My story is that this is, in part, what makes me able to relate to my clients, empathize and truthfully speak to strategies for moving forward. Am I wrong in this? I’m not sure; but I am curious.
What do you think? From your perspective as a follower of mine, would you prefer that I keep any and all challenges to myself? Would you rather see only the “bright-side” of my work, and nothing of my personal? I really am curious. After all, my objective is to serve you, and if my “being completely real” is less than valuable to you, I’d like to know. How real do you want me to be?
Looking forward to your thoughts. And keeping it as real as possible until then 
Compassion in Leadership
Yesterday, I signed the Charter for Compassion. You can check it out here www.charterforcompassion.org. You may not know it but compassion is a really strong value of mine — like REALLY strong — and I often contemplate how compassion serves, what gets in the way of compassion and the link between compassion and leadership. Because there is one, you know.
My personal perspective is that compassion is actually a big part of effective, meaningful leadership. If you want to be the best leader you possibly can, then my sense is that you’ve got to find a way to make compassion part of your modus operandi. I know that this can be hard for some, maybe even for you. And I think the reason for this is that it’s too easy to confuse “being compassionate” with “being soft”, or letting people off the hook. Being compassionate is none of these things.
Definitively, when you look up the meaning of compassion, you’ll find that “compassion is a deep awareness of and sympathy for another person’s feelings, coupled with a wish to relieve it.” (www.freedictionary.com.) I think it’s the last part of the definition that gets misinterpreted. “Relieving another’s suffering” can feel daunting and, for some reason, it’s easy to believe that relieving suffering is about bending the rules for someone, or giving them a free pass. It’s not. Instead, I believe that compassion is rooted in the understanding that everyone — yes, everyone — has something of value to bring, that this “something” can be hindered by personal circumstances (poverty, violence, ignorance, illness, etc;) and that an understanding and willingness to bear witness to the circumstances, to support the person in navigating the circumstance without letting them off the hook or allowing them to escape responsibility, is what allows their best — whatever their best may be — to come forward. This is what truly “relieving suffering” looks like. Yes, you need to give something of yourself — and often, what you give doesn’t have to be much more than your presence and willingness to serve.
As a leader, your job is to be aware of a) what it is that each person’s best is and b) the circumstances that may or may not be allowing their best to come forward. Your job is to then stand in a place of compassion and understanding so that you can invite and coax the best out of that person. This means that you have to take time to give of yourself; this means that you have to listen; this means that you have to be present to your own vision, and to the needs and circumstances of those around you. Compassion is what will allow you to really lead, in the sense of leading people to become all of who they are. And this can absolutely be done within the context of whatever systems and policies are part of your organization. Believe it or not, you can enforce policy with compassion.
Bottom-line: great leadership is not about being rigid or towing the party-line. Great leadership is actually rooted in compassion. If you think about the great leaders of our time — and historically — you will see this. Step into compassion and lead from there. Compassion will never steer you wrong.
Want more insight into this idea? A fabulous read is “The Anatomy of Peace” by The Arbinger Institute.
Gold Gilt or Basic Black? The Art of Reframing
One of the things that I’ve had opportunity to play with as a coach is perspective. Any coach worth his or her salt knows that finding a powerful perspective or vantage point with clients can do wonders for moving clients forward, helping them to shift out of stuckness and embrace otherwise daunting opportunities. Reframing is one example of being able to shift perspectives.
Reframing, which, at its core is about perspective shifting, is finding another way to package a situation. The ultimate result is to find a way to be with a set of circumstances as powerfully as possible, as productively as possible. What I’m realizing — or maybe I’ve known this all along — is that reframing is not about positive thinking. Reframing is about reality thinking — and about understanding that there can be more than one way to experience or interpret reality.
For leaders in particular, the ability to reframe a circumstance is critical. Take for example the situation in which a new initiative is met with initial enthusiasm that eventually fizzles out, or no enthusiasm at all. I know this has happened for me numerous times along my leadership journey. I’m sure you can relate as well. In this circumstance, it can be easy to conclude that the initiative is a failure and must therefore be scrapped. Reframing, however, allows a leader to see the exact same circumstance as an opportunity, rather than as a failure. From the place of opportunity the leader might choose to relaunch the initiative, tweak the initiative or plow ahead despite the fizzled enthusiasm. The frame of opportunity opens up possibilites that are far different from those available within the frame of failure.
For leaders to be successful, no matter the realm in which they’re leading, being able to reframe a situation –to find a frame that actually serves the overall leadership vision — is crucial. Without it, too many “leader-ships” would sink. Powerful frames — frames that absolutely align with the circumstance at hand, and simultaneously allow things to move forward — are necessary to effective leadership. Know your vision, be honest about your circumstances, and then choose the frame that serves. What frames are you using in your leadership world?
Leadership Without Judgment?
The title of this blog post has a question mark in it because I’m curious as to the possibility of being able to lead without judgment. I state that just in case my thought-process isn’t obvious. Actually, I suppose my initial curiousity has more to do with judgment-free language than judgment-free leadership.
You see, throughout my coaching today, I’ve run into a theme whereby I see clients — hear clients — judging their choices as good or bad, or some version thereof. This has me wondering whether or not it’s possible to evaluate something, whether it’s an action or a choice or whatever, without judging it. For me, while the distinction is subtle, I believe it exists nonetheless. And, I think when you can evaluate without judgment — without condemnation — then you facilitate growth, movement and progress far more easily than when you stand in judgment. I guess that’s the essence of what’s coming up for me: an awareness that judgment somehow contains a seed of condemnation, and that such condemnation stifles growth.
So, what becomes possible for you or me as leaders, when we can evaluate things from the place of simply evaluating? Without beating ourselves up for the choices we’ve made or the perspectives we’ve held? Without engaging in put-downs about where our choices have gotten us versus where we’ve wanted to go? What opens up when we can lead and evaluate simply from a place of allowing and evaluating? I have a hunch that, while evaluating without judgment seems contradictory in some ways, if we can actually find a way to do this — if we can stop making ourselves right or wrong and simply allow our observations to be just that, observations — then we will actually find ourselves moving forward, growing and evolving more effectively.
I guess the bottom-line thought that I’m holding at the moment — or at least entertaining — is the thought that judgment does not serve authentic leadership. Evaluation absolutely serves leadership. So, in order to be an effective leader, you must be willing to continually evaluate — without going to the place of judgment. Something to try on for a bit, I think.
A Mountain Out of a Molehill
Or a “hole in the ground” beneath the molehill. That’s actually what it feels like in this moment. Yesterday I blogged about taking a big risk and contacting (or at least leaving a message for) Arlene Dickinson. While I haven’t yet received a response from here one way or the other, I’ve been allowing my brain to replay the message I left over, and over, and over again.
Not too soon after I began the “replay game” as I call it, I became aware of saying something which I tell myself was WRONG. Nothing offensive or inappropriate, just a weak phrasing of what I was going for and why. This is the “molehill” in question. The “mountain” that I created out of it was a big, icky, berating of myself that lasted for several hours — yes, I’m human and I can dwell on stuff, even when I know it doesn’t serve. Since then I’ve inverted the mountain and I’ve pointed that mountain downward, so to speak, so that now I’m hanging out in a “hole in the ground”, burying myself as it were, in a place of embarassment and shame. Which, I totally get, does NOT serve me or my mission in any way, shape or form. It just allows me to escape for a while.
I’m blogging about this simply to be transparent, to share my humanness, and to take away the sharpness of the sting. I have no idea how my supposed “weak phrasing” is going to land on Arlene’s side. I have no idea what her response to my request will be. I know what I want it to be. AND, how that shows up is now out of my hands.
So, now that I’ve hung out in my “hole in the ground” for a bit, I’m going to let that all go (at least mostly) and move on to the next tasks in my mission. I’m going to continue to stand in the place of service, and choose my “to-do actions” from there, rather than from the land of “should” — I know from experience that this is what works best for all concerned.
Bottom-line: neither mountains, nor molehills, nor holes in the ground are going to move me forward. Service and gratitude will. So I’ll hang out there. Will you join me?
Serving The World, One Course at a Time
Generally speaking, I don’t use this blog for a lot of blatant self-promotion. I mean, I totally understand that blogging is a way to stay connected with your client-base, so when I blog, I am essentially marketing in one way or another. But I don’t think I’ve ever (and maybe I’m wrong) actually promoted an offering of mine in this venue. I’m going to do it today, however Why? Because I can — and because I think there’s an inherent lesson for me to share as well.
So, what am I promoting? My upcoming teleclass and in-person offerings of “Your Life, Your Way, Starting Today – 12 weeks to life on your terms”. As you know, I’m all about living life on your terms. This course is an affordable, small-group, experience designed to gie participants concrete structures and guidance to creating the life they really want for themselves. What I know for sure is that there are many people who want coaching but find the cost somewhat prohibitive. Through this group experience, the cost is spread out without diluting the impact of the learnings. I also know that some people do their greatest work when they’re able to buiold off of the energy in a group. So this is absolutely the setting for them. Finally, for some people, time is at a premium. And while there is definitely a time investment in this course as in any, I know that the time spent on reworking how your life works is well worth it.
One of the things Ive learned as I’ve put this course together, and as I’ve worked to promote it is that it is imperative for people to believe in what they’re doing. Whether it’s the work you’re engaged in, the project you’re promoting or the life you’re living, if you don’t believe in it, you cannot make it work properly. I believe whole-heartedly in the logic of living your life on your terms. Based on this belief, I’ve created a number of resources and programs. This latest offering, the 12-week course is powerful, life-altering and absolutely worth your investment of time and resources. The question is, do you believe that you’re worth it? If so, this course is definitely for you. You won’t be disappointed.
And now I have a request of you – please help spread the word. The course (whether in-person or telecourse) is limited to 10 participants. My goal is to have both sessions be full. I know I can do this, particularly with your help. Please help me get the word out — and in turn, let me know how I can help you. I really am committed to serving the world.
Helping – A Way to Build Connection
One of the big learnings that keeps knocking about my brain is that successful people ask for help. This idea has been reinforced for me, seemingly at every opportunity, over the past year and a bit. And it’s a good lesson for me to dance with, because somewhere along the line I’ve convinced myself that asking for help is risky at best, and makes me hugely vulnerable. In some ways, I suppose, there’s an element of truth to the vulnerability aspect of the “asking for help” process. There is another – perhaps more significant – truth, however, and that is that there’s also a huge payoff in terms of human connection and community. Let me explain.
One of the things that I know for sure is that, regardless of your personality style or social preference – in other words, whether you consider yourself a “people person” or more of a loner - human beings are more social creatures than not. There definitely is a spectrum to the sociability; some people need to be around others all the time, while others really do savour solitude. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, however, when it comes right down to it human connection is essential to an individual’s ability to thrive. And one of the ways to ensure that you get the much needed human connection in your life is to ask for help, and in turn, to give it when asked.
There’s an interesting duality that exists in the whole “help” realm. For many people, giving help is relatively easy. Asking for help is a whole other kettle of fish. And this goes back to what I said of my own experience in the first paragraph: there’s a widely-held belief that asking for help makes one unnecessarily vulnerable. What I’m learning through challenging myself to ask for help is this: while I may “feel” somewhat vulnerable when I ask for help, in actual fact I’m not any more vulnerable than the next guy, and if anything I’m making myself stronger in that I’m leaning into and linking up with another human connection. The more connections I have, the stronger I am. I think the key to being able to ask for help is to do so without placing my whole self at another’s mercy. In other words, when I ask for help, I must stand in my own strength, and when I give help, I must do it without taking away from the other person’s strength. There is a way to give and receive help that is all about service. And when you find the place of service, then helping is about meeting a very basic human need, the need for connection. Which in a circular way builds strength all around.
Bottom-line: asking for help and being willing to help are essential to the human experience. Helping is an integral way to build community and connection, especially when help is engaged in from the place of service. While it may feel challenging at times, there’s a real gift to be gained for all. So I’m going to keep stretching my “asking for help” muscle. And in turn let me ask: how may I help you?
How’s Your Serve?
Today I’m going to do something a little different in this blog post. I’m goign to begin by sharing a poem that I love; it’s called “The Fixer” and unfortunately, I don’t know the author. Here goes:
A fixer has the illusion of being causal.
A server knows he or she is being used in the service of something greater, essentially unknown.
We fix something specific.
We serve always the something: wholeness and the mystery of life.
Fixing and helping are the work of the ego.
Serving is the work of the soul.
When you help, you see life as weak.
When you fix, you see life as broken.
When you serve, you see life as whole.
Fixing and helping may cure.
Serving heals.
When I help, I feel satisfaction.
When I serve, I feel gratitude.
Fixing is a form of judgment.
Serving is a form of connection.
As I was eating breakfast this morning, I found this poem popping into my memory. Likely because I was standing in gratitude and joy about the work that I’m able to do, which I believe is a form of service. And it got me thinking about the subtle difference between helping and serving as so eloquently described in this poem.
You see, it can be really easy to fall prey to the ego, especially when the work you do is a part of the “helping professions”. I mean, who doesn’t like to feel good, valued, or like they’ve got a solution that nobody else has? And yet, even as I ask the question I know I can hear — and I’m sure you can too — a very self-serving quality (aka “ego-based”). Which really, if you think about it, defeats the purpose of helping anyway, doesn’t it? When you stand in service, however, the attention is taken off of you and turned outward. And when your attention is turned outward, the work that happens is the work that’s needed in the world, rather than the work that the ego needs to maintain it’s sense of worth.
Here’s another bonus that arises when you let go of the supposed need to help and step into the place of service: you can let go of a certain quality of responsibility. Notice that I’m talking about a quality of responsibility, not responsibility as a whole. In serving, you still hold responsibility for your actions; however, you don’t have to have information or know-how unbeknownst to others. Serving isn’t about you in any way, shape or form. Serving is about connecting with humanity as a whole, from the place of awareness and gratitude, knowing that connection and gratitude together fill the world with whatever’s needed in the moment. I’m not sure I can explain it much beyond that. All I know is that, ever since I read this poem years ago, I’ve approached my work from the place of service more often than not, and felt a sense of liberation and humbling that simply doesn’t arise when I’m “helping” my clients. Which leads me to ask you: how’s your serve? Or perhaps more importantly, how will you serve? Trust me; figure this out and your life will feel richer, fuller, and more complete. Here’s to living a life of service!
Focus Outward
Those of you who’ve been following along know that my last few posts have been about finding ways to “move past” something, anything really. Yesterday, in an effort to reconnect with some of my learnings from last year (because they were good and I know that!) I chose to reread segments of my journal. More specifically I read segments from my “leadership” journal, “leadership” being the 10-month course I invested time and energy in. Here’s the reminder I got out of that: when you’re feeling stuck, take your focus off of yourself and create from what’s out there. In other words, take your focus outward.
AS often happens for me, I was moved. Because I could totally resonate with the energetic veracity of that instruction. I know that what keeps me stuck is keeping my focus on me, my fears, my angst, my distress whatever it may be related to. So when I put my focus outward, my attention gets drawn away from those things, and gets put instead on the things that matter most: what’s needed out there and how I might meet that need.
Don’t get me wrong; this isn’t about ignoring personal needs at all. Indeed noticing your own needs and meeting those is vital. But when you’re so focused internally that you can’t move, it really is time to put your focus elsewhere. And what I know for sure is that whenever I can put my attention outward, particularly when I can do it from the perspective of service, I will get unstuck. Which is a good thing.