Your Experience or Undisputed Fact?

One of the things that I’ve become more aware of in recent weeks is a rather pervasive inability that many people hold; namely, the inability to distinguish between fact and personal experience.  It appears that  it is really easy to take your personal experience, and pass it off as fact.  How often do you have a particular experience of someone, and then tell others that that person is a particular way?  An example might be when you’ve had a confrontation with a colleague, and then proceeded to tell your family that that person is “difficult and controlling.”  Can you relate?  Or maybe you’ve had a particularly delightful vacation, and then shared with your friends that your chosen destination was “the best vacation spot in the world.”

The challenge with these sorts of extrapolations is that, your “facts” aren’t facts at all.  They’re opinions.  And while I’m certain that I’ve written about the distinction between fact and opinion before, my sense is that this perspective bears repeating.  You see, when you take your experience and present it as undisputed fact, you mislead others — whether intentionally or not.  And misleading others can lead to lack of trust in relationships, and unnecessary mistakes being made in various circumstances.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there are people who trust you enough that they will simply take your word for it, when you present a “fact.”  Therefore, it behooves you to be certain of your facts, distinguish whether what you’re saying is instead a personal opinion, and allow or even encourage others to find the “truth” for themselves.  As a leader, your opinions matter, for sure.  You definitely want to be confident in your statements, not wishy-washy.  And, you can definitely undermine your position as leader when you make blanket statements, convert your opinions into fact, or don’t allow others to hold their own experiences as equally factual.  This last point may be the pivotal one in this post.  Your experience is only one aspect of the truth — it’s not necessarily the be-all and end-all.

Bottom-line: whether you are a leader or not, being able to begin your statements with some version of “in my experience” provides space for the whole truth to emerge.  In my opinion, “truth” is as much in the minds and experiences of those involved, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And my personal experience is that as a leader, when you allow for your experience to be simply one aspect of the truth, you actually set yourself up to garner more respect from those around you.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this.  I would love to hear what your experiences are in this arena!

A New Way to be With Anger

Just the other day I had the experience of bearing witness to someone being really angry.  Their anger was written all over their face, and the words, tone and body language which they used to express themselves left the recipient of their anger cowering — that’s the best word to describe what I saw.  It was an exchange between two adults.  And in fairness, to the best of my knowledge, the anger was absolutely justified, nothing misplaced about it.  The question that arose for me, and the one that I’ve been sitting with since, is this:  what’s the best way to be with anger?  Both for myself when I’m angry, and for myself when someone’s angry with me.  Is there a way that anger can be used productively?

Those of you who know me, either personally or through my blog or newsletter, know that I’m a big advocate of honesty and of “messy conversations.”  I’m all for expressing what you’re feeling truthfully, allowing things to get uncomfortable, pushing through that discomfort and then coming out on the other side of the conversation richer for the experience.  That being said, there are a couple of things that need to be present before such a meaningful (albeit “icky”) exchange can happen.

First, there needs to be a trust and understanding between the parties involved that everyone wants the same ultimate outcome.  Perhaps its high-quality care for an aging parent, saving for a child’s education, or even simply open, honest communication at all times.  Whatever the desired outcome, on some level everyone involved must know that they’re on the same page, that they’re wanting the same thing, even as they come at it from different perspectives.

Second, there needs to be an acceptance that anger as an emotion is not bad. There needs to be an understanding that anger — when expressed constructively, with a view to resolving a situation (as opposed to simply venting) — can be extremely constructive, as opposed to filled with judgment and shame.  Anger can move people and motivate people to try options that they wouldn’t ordinarily try.  As an example, years ago, a local newspaper refused to print a story about life coaching during International Coaching Awareness Week.  I was so angry with what I experienced as their “close-mindedness” that I called the local television station to see if they would do a spot around coaching.  They did, and I made an amazing media contact.  What I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have contacted the television station in the first place had I not been angry with the newspaper to begin with.

Finally, all parties involved need to stay open and engaged in the discussion, particularly when it’s happening in an environment of anger.  When you are angry and simply yelling, spewing and possibly getting violent (an extreme example, but a real possibility) you are not open or engaged in discussion; you are simply venting.  And when you are doing the equivalent of going inward and shutting out the person expressing anger, you are also not engaged; you are simply waiting for the tirade to stop.  Being open and engaged in the discussion requires you to be aware of your feelings — anger, fear, frustration, whatever — and continually monitoring, expressing and listening so that you can move towards a mutually acceptable solution.  Tearing a strip off of someone, putting them in their place, demeaning and shaming them rarely (if ever) moves a situation forward constructively.

Understand, sometimes, you will need to vent.  You will inadvertently tear a strip off someone, shame them, or ridicule them.  You will get loud; you might even pound a pillow.  These things happen.  What I’m asking you to get — and what I’m realizing afresh — is that these expressions of anger aren’t what serve relationships.  So if in fact you’ve expressed your anger in this way, you must be prepared to invest time and energy in expressing it yet again, this time in a more constructive way, namely by engaging in a conversation or two with the the following three factors in place first:  basic trust and understanding of motive; a knowledge that anger is not a judgment or shame-based; an openness to stay engaged and moving forward.

Bottom-line:  anger can be a very constructive emotion.  It’s just time for us to find a new way to be with anger, a way that recognizes its power, and a way that’s rooted in respect overall.