Can You See the Gold in Your Relationship?

So, here I am feeling the utmost peace and contentment. Fulfillment is actually the best word to describe my state of being. There’s a sense of peace, of joy, of curiousity, of wonder, and of absolute bliss. It’s like every fiber of my being knows that, no matter what may or may not happen, when it comes right down to it, all is right in my world.

I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly is bringing about this sense of “rightness” in this moment. Granted, it’s what I’m continually aiming for. But I’m still curious about the source in this moment. And while a few possibilities have come to mind, including adequate sleep, meeting deadlines, having implemented a regular yoga practice, and beautiful weather to name a few, these just don’t seem like they’re the determining factor. As I’ve been sitting here mulling this over, the answer has come to me. And it definitely feels a little strange to write about it so publicly. However, what I know for sure is that there is some rich learning here, not only for me, but for you as you read this. And so, let me share.

The reason things seem so right in this moment, is that I have had opportunity in the last few weeks to realize and really heighten my awareness of the blessing that is available to me in my lifelong relationship with my husband. 16 1/2 years ago, we were married; 22 years ago (almost 23) we met. Over that time we’ve been through a lot, we’ve enjoyed a lot, we’ve navigated some tricky moments. There have been great times, and there have been some really tough times. And through it all, he has been

a) Completely supportive of me, who I am, how I show up, and what I want to pursue in my life
b) Willing to hold me accountable to who I say I want to be and what I say I want to do
c) Open to sharing whatever burdens come to us as a family, and finding mutually acceptable solutions
d) Willing to entertain possibility, however that might look

Now, don’t get me wrong. The man’s not perfect. And neither am I. He’s got his flaws, and so do I. In fact, being aware of these imperfections, even as I recognize the blessing that goes beyond those, is the root of the serenity that I’m experiencing right now. There’s a way that each of us – my husband and I – have found a way to be with each other, imperfection and all. We’ve come to realize that the very imperfections that drive each of us nuts – and some of them definitely drive us nuts (consider incessant snoring for the one and continually leaving cupboard doors open for the other – you can guess who’s who) — are what make us paradoxically perfect. And this realization, combined with a willingness to accept it for what it is, is what brings about the sense of absolute fulfillment. Life can bring on its challenges, even when I don’t want them, because I am blessed to have someone in my life who loves me for who I am, who I love for who he is, and with whom I can dance through life’s journey no matter the tempo and style of music.

What I want you to know is this (and herein lies the learning to extrapolate): while I am talking about the blessing of this moment as it relates to my relationship with my husband, what I know for sure is that this sense of fulfillment – this type of relationship – does not have to be found within the parameters of a life-long partnership. You can find it with a parent, with a child, with a friend, with a colleague – but you must find it. There must be someone in your life that you love unconditionally – as sappy as that sounds – and who loves you back in the same way. Who is there in your life that you can fully accept for who they are, even when they drive you nuts? Who is there in your life that fully accepts you for who you are, even when you drive him or her nuts? Knowing who this person is, being aware of their presence in your life and acknowledging the anchor they provide is an experience like no other.

Bottom-line: there’s gold in at least one of your relationships. Making yourself aware of this gold will fill your life with peace. Why? Because it allows you to know that no matter what life hands you, you can handle it. Life is good. And all will always be well, however that looks. So, very publicly and loudly, let me declare my heartfelt thanks to Scott Barker – my husband – the man who ensures my life is a peaceful one, even when the world around is spinning like mad. You are rock-solid gold, and I am blessed to have you in my life!

Lines are for Writing On, Not Reading Between

“Say What You Need to Say” — so says John Mayer in one of his recent hit songs.  And while one might argue that the song is somewhat repetitive, I can’t help but be mesmerized, nearly every time I hear it, but what seems like such a simple truth.  “Say what you need to say.”  The song takes it one step further and expounds that “it’s better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say.”

The reason I’m writing about this today is that I’ve been bombarded in the past several weeks by what feels like a plethora of people stopping short in saying what they want.  Sometimes, the fact that they’re holding back is obvious.  Other times, it’s barely noticeable.  And in either case, what’s true is that the “holding back” is preventing the relationship — be it business, personal, neighbourly or something else altogether — from being infused with trust.

Now, I’m as guilty as the next person of holding back at times.  And my sense is that sometimes, there are good and valid reasons for doing so.  Perhaps the person you’re in conversation with hasn’t proven themselves trustworthy.  Perhaps you aren’t yet clear on your stance around a particular issue.  Perhaps you’re honouring a sense that a particular bit of information is best kept private for the time being.  All of these reasons are fine, and in these cases, I think it’s fine to hold back.  The challenge, however, arises when you hold back, expect the other person to “read between the lines” and then hold that person accountable to your unspoken message.  This is not fair in any way, shape or form and, it doesn’t work.

Some people are quite good at reading between the lines.  But that being said, some people are quite good at disguising their message between the lines.  Leaving things unsaid is a surefire recipe for communication catastrophe.  In the context of leadership, I believe that this is even more true.  Powerful leadership requires powerful communication — and this means being as transparent as possible — which means you say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you’re going to do (which I think is a Barbara Coloroso line) — at least to the best of your ability.

Will you make mistakes?  Sure.  Will you hold back from time to time?  I’m willing to place money on it.  And, I want to challenge you — particularly the leader in you — tol lay it all on the line as much as possible.  Risk getting your message wrong.  Risk hurting feelings and having yours hurt.  Trust yourself and your relationships to be strong enough to move through whatever mess gets created.  Why?  Because when you say what you need to say, everyone knows where you stand.  And they can powerfully choose where they stand in relation to you.

Bottom-line:  quit being cryptic.  Keep it simple.  Say what you need to say.

Thinking of Switching Gears

Up until now, I’ve been a little unclear as to the purpose of this blog.  Truthfully, I’m still not 100% sure as to what I want to achieve through my writings in this space.  That being said, what I know for sure is that I’ve tended to follow a rule, a “should” if you will that has had me write from an advising/wisdom-dispensing place.  Up until now.

What I’m realizing today is that, while wisdom is great, and while I do have some to share, I think this blog really is more about providing a means of connection.  For me, I want to use this blog to connect with my fans/readers/followers.  It’s about being real, sharing real feelings and learnings, and if wisdom gets dispensed in the process, so be it.

You see, one of the things I know for sure is that so much more happens, so much more gets created, so much more is served when I come from the place of relating to others, being in relationship with them.  Being in relationship, for me, means connecting.  It doesn’t mean that I have to get it all right, or make a whole lot of sense, or even that I have to refrain from rambling.  Sometimes rambling is exactly what’s needed.

And so, I’m switching gears.  Moving from needing to always be the professional expert, to simply being human and real, and if I happen to dispense some pearl of professional expertise along the way, so be it.  I think this will allow me to stand more solidly in the flow.  Which is a good thing.

Until next time, here’s to keeping it real.

A New Way to be With Anger

Just the other day I had the experience of bearing witness to someone being really angry.  Their anger was written all over their face, and the words, tone and body language which they used to express themselves left the recipient of their anger cowering — that’s the best word to describe what I saw.  It was an exchange between two adults.  And in fairness, to the best of my knowledge, the anger was absolutely justified, nothing misplaced about it.  The question that arose for me, and the one that I’ve been sitting with since, is this:  what’s the best way to be with anger?  Both for myself when I’m angry, and for myself when someone’s angry with me.  Is there a way that anger can be used productively?

Those of you who know me, either personally or through my blog or newsletter, know that I’m a big advocate of honesty and of “messy conversations.”  I’m all for expressing what you’re feeling truthfully, allowing things to get uncomfortable, pushing through that discomfort and then coming out on the other side of the conversation richer for the experience.  That being said, there are a couple of things that need to be present before such a meaningful (albeit “icky”) exchange can happen.

First, there needs to be a trust and understanding between the parties involved that everyone wants the same ultimate outcome.  Perhaps its high-quality care for an aging parent, saving for a child’s education, or even simply open, honest communication at all times.  Whatever the desired outcome, on some level everyone involved must know that they’re on the same page, that they’re wanting the same thing, even as they come at it from different perspectives.

Second, there needs to be an acceptance that anger as an emotion is not bad. There needs to be an understanding that anger — when expressed constructively, with a view to resolving a situation (as opposed to simply venting) — can be extremely constructive, as opposed to filled with judgment and shame.  Anger can move people and motivate people to try options that they wouldn’t ordinarily try.  As an example, years ago, a local newspaper refused to print a story about life coaching during International Coaching Awareness Week.  I was so angry with what I experienced as their “close-mindedness” that I called the local television station to see if they would do a spot around coaching.  They did, and I made an amazing media contact.  What I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have contacted the television station in the first place had I not been angry with the newspaper to begin with.

Finally, all parties involved need to stay open and engaged in the discussion, particularly when it’s happening in an environment of anger.  When you are angry and simply yelling, spewing and possibly getting violent (an extreme example, but a real possibility) you are not open or engaged in discussion; you are simply venting.  And when you are doing the equivalent of going inward and shutting out the person expressing anger, you are also not engaged; you are simply waiting for the tirade to stop.  Being open and engaged in the discussion requires you to be aware of your feelings — anger, fear, frustration, whatever — and continually monitoring, expressing and listening so that you can move towards a mutually acceptable solution.  Tearing a strip off of someone, putting them in their place, demeaning and shaming them rarely (if ever) moves a situation forward constructively.

Understand, sometimes, you will need to vent.  You will inadvertently tear a strip off someone, shame them, or ridicule them.  You will get loud; you might even pound a pillow.  These things happen.  What I’m asking you to get — and what I’m realizing afresh — is that these expressions of anger aren’t what serve relationships.  So if in fact you’ve expressed your anger in this way, you must be prepared to invest time and energy in expressing it yet again, this time in a more constructive way, namely by engaging in a conversation or two with the the following three factors in place first:  basic trust and understanding of motive; a knowledge that anger is not a judgment or shame-based; an openness to stay engaged and moving forward.

Bottom-line:  anger can be a very constructive emotion.  It’s just time for us to find a new way to be with anger, a way that recognizes its power, and a way that’s rooted in respect overall.