Theoretically, I Get It, But Practically…

Yowza.  That’s the best word I can come up with to describe my current internal state of affairs.  It’s not a bad thing.  Just a very mixed up feeling:  bit of confusion, angst, some curiousity and even a little bit of laissez faire thrown in for good measure.  What’s this all in response to?  A teaching from Don Miguel Ruiz, specifically, his instruction from the Four Agreements which says, “Don’t Take Things Personally.”

Now I’ve been a student of The Four Agreements for a couple of years now.  I love the simplicity of the agreements, as well as the implications for human relationships and interactions.  I love the possibilities that I can envision when I see myself and others interacting with these agreements as anchors.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here are the agreements simply stated:

1. Don’t Make Assumptions
2. Don’t Take Things Personally
3. Be Impeccable With Your Word
4. Always Do Your Best

If you want more detailed explanation, I strongly recommend reading The Four Agreements.  It’s such a simple read, and well worth a bit of your time (which is all it will take to read it — it’s short as well!).

Of all of these agreements, “don’t take things personally” is the one that holds the greatest challenge for me, generally speaking.  In a nutshell, as I understand it, Ruiz suggests that while someone might say something to me, about me, in front of me, or whatever, what they say and how they say it is ABOUT THEM.  How I respond is ABOUT ME.  There’s more to it than that, but that’s the essence of the teaching.  And I get it, theoretically-speaking.  But when it comes to practical implementation, I will admit that I get stuck from time-to-time.

For example, this morning I received an email from a friend regarding the research around aspartame, and it’s ill effects.  The email wasn’t gentle in it’s descriptions; it described some pretty vivid horrors that have been linked to the consumption of aspartame.  Nothing I didn’t know, but there it was in black and white.  Now, intellectually, I believe my friend was simply sharing an interesting article.  Yes, she is a bit of a purist when it comes to food — organics, raw, no sugar, no white flour, etc; — whereas I really am not.  I’m really quite okay with any and all things in moderation.  And as someone who’s had diabetes for many years, conventional thinking has been that it’s better to choose the aspartame than the real sugar.  In recent years, admittedly, this thinking has changed for me — I now rarely choose aspartame-ridden foods, preferring to adjust my insulin for sugar–intake as necessary, rather than taste the aspartame — but I still have the occasional diet soda, I admit it.  And while I believe (for the most part) that my friend was simply sharing info, there’s a small part of me that feels like she was preaching.  From a judgmental space.  And I’m not a fan of judgment coming at me.

So, I’m in this very curious space (which is where I hang out from time-to-time) where I’m trying to NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY and at the same time acknowledge that it feels personal.  I’m not sure I have any particular wisdom to share around this.  Except for the following:  I think the key to not taking things personally is to first be aware that you are taking things personally.  The awareness then allows you to explore what’s being triggered (for me with aspartame there’s a sense of feeling like my options are being taken away from me, bit by bit, but that’s another story), and determine how to respond in a grounded way.  Another key to following the whole “don’t take things personally” agreement is to understand that this is not a pass to abdicate responsibility for your own responses and reactions.  Instead it really is about owning your responses, while not taking on the baggage of another.  I think.

Bottom-line:  I think there’s something powerful for me to revisit with The Four Agreements.  And I think there’s some rich teaching there for you as well.  I really do believe that following the agreements, if we all could do it, would infuse our relationship world with possibilities beyond our current imaginations.  And, sometimes, it’s a bit challenging.

How Much of It is REALLY About You?

In his book “The Four Agreements”, Don Miguel Ruiz lists “Don’t Take Things Personally” as one of the cornerstones of healthy human interaction.  Now I’ve got to admit, this is probably the agreement that I find most challenging to honour.  What I’ve come to realize over the last several months is that I have a default pattern whereby I USUALLY take things personally — as in I often take a situation or happening and make it about me.  And this pattern really ain’t working for me.

Has me wonder how many others do the same sort of thing — take things personally that really aren’t personal.  What I’ve learned through playing with Ruiz’s Four Agreements is that very little is personal in this world, and even when something is personal, it’s actually better for everyone to operate as if it isn’t.

You see, when you take a situation — say your neighbor has a habit of intruding on your space — and focus on the impact their behaviour is having on you, you’re making the situation about you — and it’s not.  One of the realizations I’ve had is that a person’s actions are about them, my reaction is about me.  So, the fact that a neighbor intrudes on your space is about them – that’s their behaviour.  How you respond (anger, frustration, angst, letting go, whatever) is about you.

When you separate a person’s actions from your reaction, when you realize that their action has NOTHING to do with you personally, you are liberated from the shackles that otherwise imprison you.  You’re free to make choices that are otherwise unseen.

Bottom-line: next time you find yourself freaking out about someone else’s actions, ask yourself if your reaction is conveying a message about YOU that you’re really comfortable with.