Theoretically, I Get It, But Practically…
Yowza. That’s the best word I can come up with to describe my current internal state of affairs. It’s not a bad thing. Just a very mixed up feeling: bit of confusion, angst, some curiousity and even a little bit of laissez faire thrown in for good measure. What’s this all in response to? A teaching from Don Miguel Ruiz, specifically, his instruction from the Four Agreements which says, “Don’t Take Things Personally.”
Now I’ve been a student of The Four Agreements for a couple of years now. I love the simplicity of the agreements, as well as the implications for human relationships and interactions. I love the possibilities that I can envision when I see myself and others interacting with these agreements as anchors. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, here are the agreements simply stated:
- Don’t Make Assumptions
- Don’t Take Things Personally
- Be Impeccable With Your Word
- Always Do Your Best
If you want more detailed explanation, I strongly recommend reading The Four Agreements. It’s such a simple read, and well worth a bit of your time (which is all it will take to read it — it’s short as well!).
Of all of these agreements, “don’t take things personally” is the one that holds the greatest challenge for me, generally speaking. In a nutshell, as I understand it, Ruiz suggests that while someone might say something to me, about me, in front of me, or whatever, what they say and how they say it is ABOUT THEM. How I respond is ABOUT ME. There’s more to it than that, but that’s the essence of the teaching. And I get it, theoretically-speaking. But when it comes to practical implementation, I will admit that I get stuck from time-to-time.
For example, this morning I received an email from a friend regarding the research around aspartame, and it’s ill effects. The email wasn’t gentle in it’s descriptions; it described some pretty vivid horrors that have been linked to the consumption of aspartame. Nothing I didn’t know, but there it was in black and white. Now, intellectually, I believe my friend was simply sharing an interesting article. Yes, she is a bit of a purist when it comes to food — organics, raw, no sugar, no white flour, etc; — whereas I really am not. I’m really quite okay with any and all things in moderation. And as someone who’s had diabetes for many years, conventional thinking has been that it’s better to choose the aspartame than the real sugar. In recent years, admittedly, this thinking has changed for me — I now rarely choose aspartame-ridden foods, preferring to adjust my insulin for sugar–intake as necessary, rather than taste the aspartame — but I still have the occasional diet soda, I admit it. And while I believe (for the most part) that my friend was simply sharing info, there’s a small part of me that feels like she was preaching. From a judgmental space. And I’m not a fan of judgment coming at me.
So, I’m in this very curious space (which is where I hang out from time-to-time) where I’m trying to NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY and at the same time acknowledge that it feels personal. I’m not sure I have any particular wisdom to share around this. Except for the following: I think the key to not taking things personally is to first be aware that you are taking things personally. The awareness then allows you to explore what’s being triggered (for me with aspartame there’s a sense of feeling like my options are being taken away from me, bit by bit, but that’s another story), and determine how to respond in a grounded way. Another key to following the whole “don’t take things personally” agreement is to understand that this is not a pass to abdicate responsibility for your own responses and reactions. Instead it really is about owning your responses, while not taking on the baggage of another. I think.
Bottom-line: I think there’s something powerful for me to revisit with The Four Agreements. And I think there’s some rich teaching there for you as well. I really do believe that following the agreements, if we all could do it, would infuse our relationship world with possibilities beyond our current imaginations. And, sometimes, it’s a bit challenging.
Getting Clear on Options
That’s what I’m doing right now. It’s funny. Because I feel like I’m up to some pretty big things in my life. I’ve set some big goals, and my focus feels rather “laser-like” — it’s like I’m honing in on a specific picture, and the more I hone in, the clearer and more detail-rich it becomes.
As I was driving to serveral appointments this morning I came to realize something. You see, I’m all about “possibility” – standing in possibility, embracing possibility. You get the idea. What I’ve realized is that one of the challenges which I’ve inadvertently set up in my life, up until now, has been that even as I entertain possibility, part of me tends to allow “failure” to be one of the options within the realm of possibility. Makes sense, doesn’t it? I mean, when you’re going after something, failure is definitely a possibility. Or is it?
Here’s the epiphany I had this morning: I can choose to allow failure as a possible option OR I can banish it from the kingdom so-to-speak. I’ve got a big, hairy, audacious goal right now. 10 000 subscribers by July 9th, 2009, for my podcast series. By anyone’s standards, that’s going after something in a big way! What I decided this morning is that there is only room for success as far as this objective is concerned. And I will do what I need to do to make it happen. Given that success is the only option that I’m willing to entertain — and success in this case looks like 10 000 subscribers — it’s now up to me to keep working my plan, keep spreading the word, keep asking for help, keep focusing on success, leaving zero room for anything else, so that I achieve my objective.
Bottom-line: for me, right here, right now, success is the only viable option.
How Much Space Can You Create?
We’re almost at the 1/2-way point of the year, and I trust that you’ve been having fun with using the tools offered over the past 5 months to re-write the story of your life. My intention has been to provide you with ideas for shifting your mental stories into scripts that are more empowering and liberating, with a view to really embracing and living life on your terms. While still holding this intention, I want to focus this month’s article on what I’d like to call “Creating Space for All”.
One of the words that is used a lot in everyday conversation is the word “but”. Usually, it’s considered to be a pretty benign word, or at least that’s my impression given the way in which it’s carelessly bandied about. I mean it’s a fairly small word, seemingly innocuous enough. I think, grammatically-speaking, it would be a conjunction, although I’m not really sure of that, so don’t quote me. All this being said, what I want you to think about for a moment is the inherent meaning of the word “but”. When you use this word. what are you actually saying?
Let’s consider the word in context, to make it a little easier. Here are three examples to ponder:
1. That’s a great outfit, but it’s not okay to wear it to the mall.
2. I would love to go to the mall, but I’m busy right now.
3. I love you, but I’m really angry with your choice to stay out.
When you read the above sentences, what’s the impact you notice of the word “but”? What is the meaning that it effectively creates? I assert that it acts as a “negator” of sorts — it negates the veracity, however subtlely – of the phrase that precedes it, so that the second part of the sentence becomes what’s important. So, in the first example, the fact that “it’s a great outfit” doesn’t really matter; what matters is that “it’s not okay to wear it to the mall”. Do you see what I mean? Can you hear the energetic implication that happens in the sentence?
Now, what I want to invite you to do is replace the word “but” in the above examples with the word “and”. In this case, the second sentence would now read, “I would love to go to the mall, and I’m busy right now.” What shifts when you replace the word “but” with “and”? I’ll bet you can hear that both phrases now seem to stand on an equal footing. When you use the word “and”, the first phrase, “I would love to go to the mall” has as much validity and truth as “I’m busy right now.”
Now, why is this important? Because, if you’re wanting to change the story of your life to one that is more possibility-filled, part of what you need to do is start creating space for more things to be true at the same time. Rather than using language which can only hold a few things as true at a given time, it becomes important to play with language that allows for more. Rather than living in a world of either/or, you can now dance in a world of both/and.
Really, this is about inclusion. When you minimize your use of the word “but” and start incorporating “and” more, you set a stage where a variety of options can be held and entertained at the same time. There’s room, all of a sudden, for differing perspectives to be equally valid, whether you agree with all of them or not. In a way, this is about allowing more of everything to be possible in the story of your life.
Bottom-line: if you’re wanting to live a story-line that is MORE, it behooves you to start using language that allows for more. Minimizing your use of “but”, “either” and “or”, and replacing these with “both/and” affords you the opportunity to entertain more options. And in the end, when you can increase your number of options, you can truly be at choice in your life. Remember: having only two options isn’t really a choice; it’s a dilemma. Are you ready to create more space in your life?
Teach Your Children…
One of the things I love doing is listening to my children set goals, intentions and objectives. It’s a lot of fun to hear what’s important from the perspective of a 6 or 9 year old! It was almost 4 years ago now, when my son was starting grade 1, that I started teaching him and my daughter how to decide – before they walk out the door in the morning – what kind of a day they were striving for. And what they wanted to accomplish within that frame.
Now, after much practice, these intentions often sound something like,”Today, I want to have a confident day and do well in music.” And what I love about these intentions is the simplicity of them. Simplicity wrapped around a powerful intention. That’s what it is. Because to have a “confident day” requires you to make certain choices. It means choosing a certain demeanor, a specific course of action. And the same is true regadless of what adjective you choose to describe the day you’re striving to create.
Inviting my children to clarify their goals and objectives provides us as a family with a rich opportunity to learn about what it takes to create the day/life you want for yourself. When my daughter claims that she’s striving for a “happy” day, and then comes home having had anything but happy experiences, the situation is ripe with opportunity for us to explore the choices made, what could have been done differently, and what learning arose. It’s a lesson in standing in true creative potential.
As I look around at the world today it occurs to me that many people are only just realizing their personal creative power having reached adulthood. I believe that there is much to be gained by teaching children the power of conscious choice — along with the power of play and the 3 r’s — from a very young age. Imagine having it be second nature – a habit – to create the day you want, more often than not. Bottom-line: it’s never too late — or too early — to start exercising the muscle of conscious choice. In fact, the earlier you start strengthening it, the more your realm of possibility will expand. Doesn’t that sound awesome?