Leadership & Confrontation

“I don’t do well with confrontation.”  It’s amazing to me how often I hear this phrase, or similar ones.  My clients, , my family, my friends, my colleagues — in every realm of my life, there appear to be a myriad of people who claim this as their truth.  It’s as though there’s something about “confrontation” that must be avoided.  And at first glance, I can see why.  Confrontation by its very nature is “in your face”; there’s always an energy of accusation on the one hand, and then defense on the other.  This sort of dynamic is anything but fun, admittedly.

All that being said, however, one of the things I know for sure is that confrontation can nearly always be reframed as “opportunity.”  When you consider the circumstance of someone having wronged you in some way — let’s say your friend has been taking advantage of your generosity — you could certainly confront them.  The implication when you do so is that you will vent, express your anger in a manner that’s somewhat forceful, and then expect an apology in return.  This would be the confrontational approach.  The opportunity in this circumstance, however, is to express your frustration with the express purpose of

a)  having your friend understand the impact of her behaviour, and

b)  exploring how the circumstance might change to everyone’s satisfaction.

In other words, in order to change confrontation to opportunity, you need to switch your intention from mere venting to resolving the issue at hand.

As leaders, situations of confrontation will arise more often than you might like.  Whether you’re a leader in the workplace, in your neighborhood, in your family or anywhere else, there will be times when things seem awry, when feelings get hurt, when situations need to be addressed.  If you come at these scenarios with the basic intention of venting, it will not be pleasant.  If, however, you shift your focus from confrontation to opportunity, you will always be able to have an experience that serves all concerned.  So really, confrontations can be seen as opportunity in disguise.

The Wrapping’s Not Very Pretty, But…

…it’s definitely a gift.  That’s what I’ve gleaned out of some of today’s experiences.  For example:  I had a meeting scheduled for this morning, and I was really looking forward to the productive brainstorming that I was envisioning happening.  Unfortunately, my colleague and I ended up at two different meeting places due to a misunderstanding as to location.  On the one hand, bummer — because I couldn’t share my ideas visually and receive ideas visually.  On the other hand, great gift — because I was out of my usual workspace and got two degrees closer in clarity as to what I’m trying to create PLUS I got to enjoy a white mochaccino, one of my secret indulgences, while I waited.

Then, I came home to deal with an ongoing blood sugar roller coaster (this one’s been going on for a couple of days now).  Bummer — because I couldn’t go for the run that I would’ve liked to experience — running when my blood sugar is wonky is just asking for trouble.  Great gift — because it allowed me to slow down and breathe through a very healthy lunch meal.

Finally, I hit a creative wall in the middle of a project this afternoon.  My brain actually stopped generating any ideas whatsoever.  Bummer — because I felt like I was on a roll.  Gift — because it forced me to reach outside of myself and enlist the help of some other folks in generating ideas, lean into community as it were.  And community is always a gift.

Bottom-line:  the day’s not unfolding as I might have envisioned it.  And I know that that happens sometimes — it’s part of the leadership game.  Heck, it’s part of the game of life.  I realize that I could get all bent out of shape about it.  Except that I also realize that the way it’s actually unfolding is better than what I originally envisioned.  I’m needing to step into a new vantage point to see the gifts; and the gifts are there nonetheless.  Pretty cool thing to remember, I think.

Turning the Focus Outward

A couple of years ago, one of my mentors told me and a group of fellow leaders, “whenever you’re feeling stuck, turn your attention outward and create from what’s out there.”  This statement has stayed with me, obviously.  Today, it seems to be making itself heard yet again.  I’m not sure why.  I’m not feeling particularly stuck — I’m actually motoring along and accomplishing a whole lot.  I am, however, noticing an uneasiness in my gut.  Not sure what it’s about at all which, of course, is heightening the uneasiness.  And my tendency is to try and figure out the whys and wherefores thereof.

What I’m realizing as the uneasiness continues to build is that I absolutely could keep trying to figure it out.  I’ve got a story that says if I figure out what’s causing the uneasiness, I can address the causal factor and move on more efficiently.  This may in fact be the way to go.  There’s a bigger something, however, that’s telling me to stop focusing on me, and start looking outside of myself.  Not for an answer to what ails me, but rather to address whatever needs exist outside of myself.

You see, leadership requires one to engage in a delicate balance of being aware of internal needs and external needs simultaneously.  What I’m realizing is that sometimes, when keeping the focus on one area isn’t leading to a solution, it might actually be beneficial to turn the focus onto another area and address what needs addressing out there.  This isn’t about going through life with blinders on, or ignoring very real needs.  Instead, this is about providing space where it’s needed, allowing supposed issues to simmer and either evaporate or crystalize before attempting to implement a solution that may not actually fit.  After all, a solution that doesn’t fit just ends up being just another problem, you know?

Bottom-line: sometimes you just need a fresh perspective.  And sometimes, that perspective is most easily accessed when you deliberately turn your focus away from whatever problem is at hand.  It’s very much akin to what Albert Einstein once said:  “problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”  If you want to solve a problem or resolve an issue, you’ve got to move your thinking to a new level.  And sometimes, that means turning your focus outward.

I Know You’re Right…And What If You’re Wrong?

This is a question that I love to ask.  Whether I’m working with a client or just evaluating a personal circumstance, exploring the possibility of being wrong can offer incredible insight in a situation.  All of a sudden, what seemed so cut-and-dried 30 seconds ago, becomes less so as you entertain a new vantage point.  Believe it or not, possibilities open up, friction fizzles away and tension disappears when you can be with the idea — or at least hold it as a possibility for a few seconds — that you might actually be wrong.

Asking yourself if you might be wrong is another strategy for “walking a mile in another person’s shoes” or finding another perspective.  You see, there’s a teaching I once heard which says that there are always at least three sides to a story:  yours, mine and the truth.  The funny thing is that both you and I believe that we’re privy to the truth, to the “rightness” of the story.  The challenge of course is that any time you find yourself entrenched in an “I’m right on this issue” perspective, you actually close yourself from being truly engaged with whatever’s going on.  You’re so busy “being right”, that you start to alienate the world around you, and truly miss the point.

The key to holding the question of right and wrong is to do so with a sense of detachment, a letting go of judgment.  Admittedly, when you’re in the land of “right and wrong” letting go of judgment seems counter-intuitive.  And yet, if you can actually find a way to hold right and wrong lightly, without making either position “good” or “bad”, you can start to be with the world in a more constructive way.  You can actually move through conflict  and disagreement with a sense of ease, knowing that whether or not you’re right or wrong is less a matter of judgment, and more an opportunity for self-growth and evolution.

Bottom-line:  let go of believing that you’re absolutely right, and entertain the possibility that you might be wrong.  Don’t wait for everyone else to be wrong — believe that you might be wrong too, and watch the truth reveal itself in a new light.  My guess is you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Trying On Another Set of Lenses

As a life coach, I do a lot of work with my clients around “perspectives.”  Fundamentally, I’ve come to hold the belief that your experiences really do take on a different feel and flavour depending on the perspective from which you view them.  I mean, really, if you’re standing on one side of the fence, you’re going to see something different from what can be seen on the other side of the fence, right?  Sometimes, though, it’s not so much about switching vantage points, as it is about switching lenses.

Let me give you an example.  Most people will willingly concede that the sky is blue on a bright, sunshiny day.  This seems to be the general consensus certainly.  What I know for sure, however, is that if you view that same sky, on the same day, with yellow-tinted lenses, you will see the sky as green.  “Yellow and blue make green” is one of the first things we learn when experimenting with blending and mixing colours    In other words, while you can get a different take on things by physically switching your vantage point, sometimes you don’t have to actually move — you only have to switch your lenses.

Through what lens do you tend to view the world?  What would you notice if you changed it up?  what would become available to you– what insight, what piece of information, what understanding?

What I know for sure is this:  as much as it might be easier to believe otherwise, the world does not exist in black and white, right and wrong, you and me.  The world exists, instead, on a wide scale of possibilities.  Taking the opportunity to view your experiences with different lenses from time to time can actually make your experiences richer, provide more texture, more breadth.  It may not be something you want all the time.  And, it absolutely can enrich your life.  So what lens will you try on today?

Blessings: In Disguise and Otherwise

So, tomorrow is American Thanksgiving.  To my American friends and followers, “Happy Thanksgiving!”  As a Canadian, it’s been just over a month since I celebrated and gave thanks with my family.  Not sure why our Thanksgiving holidays are on different days, but they are.  And yet, despite that, the intention is the same, obviously:  to pause, and give thanks for blessings, in disguise and otherwise.  The kicker, of course, is that our focus is very much on the “otherwise” — the blessings that are perhaps more obvious and visible.  That being said, the ones in disguise really do warrant our gratitude as well.

For example, I’ve had numerous (and I do mean NUMEROUS) experiences this past week of having scheduled appointments fall through at the last minute.  Reasons have been varied, everything from illness to double-booking, to simply forgetting.  And while my initial reaction is quite often one of exasperation (it can certainly be frustrating to feel “stood up” in any way, shape or form), I’ve actually had some fun flipping the perspective of inconvenience into one of blessing.  You see, each and every rescheduling or rejigging afforded me the opportunity to have the gift of timre that I didn’t originally have.  And for a woman who’s got a whole month of projects and activities to catch up on, unexpected time is absolutely welcome.

So, as you anticipate the pause to give thanks that arrives tomorrow, my request of you is that you look beyond the obvious.  While I know you’re thankful for the abundance of good things, the opportunities in your life, your family and friends, what I really want to know is, what blessings are in your life that are just waiting to be noticed?  What have you not yet acknowledged?  Make a game out of it.  Toss marbles in a jar as you enumerate the myriad of blessings in your life.  Notice how quickly it fills up — and use more than one jar if you need to.

The bottom-line, I believe, is that we are all markedly more blessed than we realize.  Sometimes we simply need to change our lenses — or at the very least, clean our lenses — in order to see the bounty that surrounds us.  There really is much to be thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving all!

How Much of It is REALLY About You?

In his book “The Four Agreements”, Don Miguel Ruiz lists “Don’t Take Things Personally” as one of the cornerstones of healthy human interaction.  Now I’ve got to admit, this is probably the agreement that I find most challenging to honour.  What I’ve come to realize over the last several months is that I have a default pattern whereby I USUALLY take things personally — as in I often take a situation or happening and make it about me.  And this pattern really ain’t working for me.

Has me wonder how many others do the same sort of thing — take things personally that really aren’t personal.  What I’ve learned through playing with Ruiz’s Four Agreements is that very little is personal in this world, and even when something is personal, it’s actually better for everyone to operate as if it isn’t.

You see, when you take a situation — say your neighbor has a habit of intruding on your space — and focus on the impact their behaviour is having on you, you’re making the situation about you — and it’s not.  One of the realizations I’ve had is that a person’s actions are about them, my reaction is about me.  So, the fact that a neighbor intrudes on your space is about them – that’s their behaviour.  How you respond (anger, frustration, angst, letting go, whatever) is about you.

When you separate a person’s actions from your reaction, when you realize that their action has NOTHING to do with you personally, you are liberated from the shackles that otherwise imprison you.  You’re free to make choices that are otherwise unseen.

Bottom-line: next time you find yourself freaking out about someone else’s actions, ask yourself if your reaction is conveying a message about YOU that you’re really comfortable with.

The Answer is Blowin’ In The Wind

How do I know? Because it’s windy as heck outside, and I know that there’s a message in it for me! It reminds me of an experience I had last summer.  I was at the 3rd of 4 retreats in Northern California (part of a leadership course I was engaged in) and we as a group were asked to go out and “be” with nature for 2 hours. We were given questions to contemplate while out there in nature.  And I remember feeling like I had been given an incredible gift through the experience.  I mean, how often in this fast-paced, go-go-go society are we actually allowed to “go out and just be”?  Based on my own experience and what I hear from my clients, I assert this doesn’t happen often.  So, by way of offering you the experience vicariously, let me share some learnings.

In one of my recent blog posts (it might even have been the last one!) I talked about the human need for connection.  What I learned from the “be with nature” experience is that our need for connection can to some degree be met in nature.  Our need for connection is, to some degree, simply a need to “be with” something, someone.  At it’s very heart, the need is about “being with” and not about the entity with which you are being.

Another thing I learned from being with nature is that, if you are still enough and quiet enough, answers really are blowin’ in the wind.  And when there isn’t any wind to speak of, it’s written in the clouds, or carried on the wings of a butterfly.  There’s inspiration to be had in the natural world around you.  Stop. Be still. Be quiet.  You’ll see it and hear it, I assure you.

One of the things that’s coming to me is that it’s easier for me to commune with and connect with nature when the weather is “lovely” — today, for example is a beautiful, sunshiny, spring breezy sort of day.  I can hear the bird and the rustle of leaves, I can feel the wind as it contrasts with the warmth of the sun’s rays on my arms.  When it’s blizzrdy and cold, or pouring rain, however, I find my ability to hear the messages in nature wanes a little.  I know in my heart of hearts that hte messages are still there.  Inspiration is still there.  I guess I just need to challenge myself to connect in those times as well.

Bottom-line: when I’m looking for an answer to a question — when YOU’RE looking for an answer to a question — taking some time to be still and listen, especially in the natural world, maybe jus the ticket.  At the very least it’s rejuvenating.  And it’s certain to provide a fresh, new perspective.  Sometimes, that’s the only answer that’s needed.

How Is Knowing Your Limits Limiting You?

I’ll bet the title question has you just a little stumped.  Maybe perplexed.  And maybe not.  Regardless, the idea of limits is what we’re going to explore in this month’s issue of LAUNCH.  More specifically, we’re going to look at limits in the context of how you create your life.  Before we go there, let’s recap:  so far in the “new year, new story” series we’ve talked about using the phrase “the end” as a tool to stop the repetitious old story that tends to cycle through your brain when you’re going through life unconscious of your thoughts; then we talked about the importance of being strategic in your use of the word “should” – using it as minimally as possible, thereby ensuring that you rid yourself of any unnecessary burden.  And finally, we explored the issue of personal responsibility, particularly as it relates to the somewhat nebulous quality of feelings.  Having done all that, and before we go any further, I want to invite you to pause for a moment and notice what’s different in your life now?  Three months into this new story of your life, what changes are you noticing in the way you interact with the world?  What are you finding easy?  And what remains a challenge?  Just notice, take stock, and then move on.  There’s definitely more to explore.  So let’s begin.

One of the things that is important when you set about to create the life that you want for yourself, life on your terms, is for you to know your capabilities, your passions, your talents, and your limits.  Sounds like a lot when put this way, but really it’s about knowing what your strengths are so that you can “leverage your best and ditch the rest.”  Indeed, you’re most effective in the creation of anything — but particularly in the creation of life on your terms — when you know where your particular assets lie.  Here’s the kicker though:  while knowing your strengths can serve you well, being aware of your limits can actually hold you back.  Why?  Because you start to create a story that is filled with limitations.  Phrases like “I don’t do…”, “I can’t do…”, “That’s just not my thing”, “I’m not into…” actually form boxes in which you start to live.  In my experience the actual fact, however, is that while you may not like certain things, while you may prefer a specific way of being, if pushed to the wire you actually COULD do a lot of what you tell yourself is impossible.

So what?  So this:  rather than thinking about your “limits” in terms of “can’ts” and “won’ts” (“I can’t do”, “I won’t do”), you are truly better served by thinking along the lines of “I could do, and I’d rather not”, or “I don’t like to do, but I could if I tried”, and similar phrases.  My personal belief is that anyone is capable of most things when presented with the right set of circumstances.  Let me give you some examples:  I consider myself a fairly non-techy person; computer lingo often baffles me, and I’d really rather not engage in tech-related projects.  That being said, I now have a bi-weekly podcast, which requires me to use techy gadgets.  Granted, I have a fabulous producer who does most of the background work in terms of making the series available to subscribers, but one of my stories until recently was “I don’t do tech-stuff”.  Clearly, while I may not like it, I can in fact do it!  Here’s another one: I’ve always considered myself to be lacking in natural physical strength — never really been on a sports team in my youth, walking was fine as long as it was warm and sunny and I could walk slowly, and coordination was noticeably sub-par, at least compared to those “natural athletes” in my world.  So the story I created was that “I don’t do physical activity.”  Well that’s a real crock — because I do go to the gym, I do lift weights (albeit reluctanctly) and I am capable of physical exertion, to the point that I’ve started training to run a marathon next year.  Once again, my story that I’m not capable of athleticism was stopping me from exploring my range of options.  Is athletic ability a natural strength of mine?  I don’t think so.  But does it mean that I can’t access it at all?  Nope.  It’s actually there, and I CAN access it, if I really want to.

So, what do YOU really want?  And what’s it going to take for you to step outside the perceived limits you’ve set for yourself and expand your range?  Because that’s what this is really about:  giving yourself permission to play with a full range of capabilities, skills, and options.  It’s about playing outside the box and stretching your comfort zone, making “I can do anything” (or at least, “I can do most anything”) your default statement, and then choosing what you will do without limitation.

Bottom-line:  while you may have a preferred set of strengths, skills and aptitudes that you like to use, while you may have passions that light you up more than others, having these doesn’t necessarily preclude you from BEING ABLE to do other things.  You may not choose to do other things — and you’re still capable of them.  Anyone is capbable of anything under the right circumstances.  Know your limits, and don’t let them limit you.  Instead, get comfortable with your full range of potential, and live into that.

Need a New Perspective?

Yesterday I wrote about how being on one side of the fence versus the other can really alter your perspective.  Still lovin’ the ideas that get conjured up from that understanding.  Today I feel compelled to write about finding new perspectives.  Because while new perspectives can be useful, you’ve got to know how to get them in order to be able to benefit.

In a nutshell, finding a new perspective is all about mixing things up.  When you’re feeling stuck, bored, unimaginative, or in any way “lack-lustre”, a new perspective – a new way to view things – is really helpful.  Here are a few ways to find one that serves:

-indulge in a pyjama day.  That’s right, get out of your everyday work clothes, and relax — if not in pj’s then in something different from your usual attire.  What you wear can definitely influence your thinking.

-find a new location or position.  If you always sit facing a wall, switch it up and face the window.  If you always work in your office, go work in the boardroom.  If the weather allows, work outdoors.  A change of scenery is sure to kickstart new ideas and insights.

-find a new group of people – or no people at all.  If you’re always surrounded by the same people, you’ll always have the same energy influencing your perspective.  So go visit another department, work in solitude, or migrate to a coffee shop.  New energies can really serve new perspectives.

-change your routine.  If you follow a set agenda everyday, mix it up a little.  Eat lunch earlier, start your day later, begin with a workout, incorporate some dreaming time.

-music.  As in “play some”.  And if music in the background is part of your environment, then play some different music.  It’s a well-known fact that different genres of music affect mental processes differently.  Generally listen to jazz? Try some classical Beethoven.  Big fan of rock?  Try a little bit of country.  Better yet, put in a kids cd and let yourself be a kid again.  A child’s perspective is a great thing!

Bottom-line:  a shift in perspective really does serve everyone well.  Try it.  See what happens.  And let me know.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.