Leaders are People Too

I’m here at the official end of my work week, looking back with gratitude and curiousity at what has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride, to say the least.  Ups, downs, twists, turns — these are the directions that my journey has taken this week, ending with a bit of goodness to sort of “round it all off” if you will.

While hurtling along on this thrill ride, I’ve found myself dealing with the whole spectrum of emotions: everything from sadness and anger, to joy and gratitude.  There’s even been a bit of wonder in there.  And what I noticed is that a lot of people, myself included, had difficulty at times being with that whole emotional range.  When I stood in the place of possibility, curiousity and optimism, most people were fine and comfortable hanging around.  But whenever I succumbed to the realm of sadness, anger or grief, all the “fixer-genes” seemed to come out — nobody wanted me to be in that space, and if I was going to be there, then they were going to leave.  It was as though I wasn’t allowed to experience that particular quality of emotion.

Well, here’s what I want to say — to myself ,to my chorus of saboteurs, my family, my friends, my colleagues, and heck, even to those of you who’ve never met me:  leaders are people too.  By which I mean that everyone, no matter who they are or what they’re trying to achieve in the world has ups and downs, joys and sorrows, fears and quandries.  And furthermore, everyone is allowed to have these, to experience these, to be with these,and to move forward when they’re ready.

This isn’t about perfection or imperfection.  This is about getting, really understanding, that a complete life is marked by a complete range of experiences.  EVERYONE will experience joy, fear, sadness, anger, frustration, curiousity and whatever else you can think of.  Leaders, followers, optimists, pessimists, realists — everyone.  And when they do, there’s something to be said for simply allowing the experience to be, for bearing witness and standing alongside the person, rather than running to fix or trying to move them along.

Speaking (well, writing) as someone who’s just felt my world rocked by fear — as someone who doesn’t often get this scared — trust me on this.  Leaders are people too.  And sometimes, that’s all you need to know.

An Anchor? Or a Dead Weight?

Today’s blog entry feels like it’s going to be a metaphor-filled one.  Not a bad thing — I just can’t let go of the nautical visual.

When it comes to living life on your terms, my personal perspective is that having an anchoring belief can serve you really well.  After all, the business of living life really can feel like being on a storm-tossed sea at times.  And knowing that you’ve got a solid anchor keeping you safe — keeping you from drifting too far out — can be reassuring to say the least.  That being said, I’m getting curious about the difference between an anchor and a dead weight.  Both are heavy, both will keep you from drifting, both will prevent you from venturing too far.  The former, however, feels like it serves in some way; the latter, feels like it holds you back, right?  So this has me asking:  are your anchoring thoughts really anchoring?  Or are they holding you back, stopping you from moving forward?

I guess what I’m realizing is that an anchor can actually be both.  Given it’s weight, an anchor can absolutely hold you back, keep you from moving to calmer seas as it were.  In light of this, the important thing isn’t the anchor so much (at least not in this moment); the important thing is being certain that the sea you’re anchored in is actually the sea that you want to be in.  If it’s not — if you’re floating along in a sea of negativity and lack — then it may be time to cut your ties with the anchor that has you stuck.  In the context of life, such an anchor is most likely a limiting belief, a paralyzing thought.  Letting go of this thought or belief is what will allow you to move to another sea altogether — a calmer, bluer, clearer sea.  And once you’ve found a new sea, you can anchor yourself with a new thought.

So I guess this leaves me asking the following questions, both of you and of myself:  what sea are you anchored in?  How’s that working for you?  And if it’s not working the way you want, how willing are  you to release the anchor-turned-dead-weight and find a new anchor?  What I know for sure is that sometimes, you’ve got to let go of  an old anchor before you can sail a new sea.

Life Balance Part 2

How Do I Create My Life to Feel More Balanced?

In the last issue of Women of Today, I addressed the topic of defining life balance.  For those who didn’t get a chance to read it, the critical points were these:

• A balanced life looks different for different people
• Balance is a direction, it’s not a destination
• A “balanced life” does not mean a “perfect” or “stress-free” life

By way of recapping and bringing you up to speed, I invite you to take a few moments and get clear on what YOUR balanced life would look like.  How would your life be different than what it currently is?

Having gained some clarity on what your balanced life would look like, it’s now time to shift this picture of your life into the reality of your life. Often people balk at this point; it’s one thing to imagine a life that feels more balanced, to talk about it and dream about it.  It feels like a whole other ball game, however, to actually create it.  Why?  Because creating a new life for yourself means leaving the life you know behind.  This may seem obvious, but beyond the simplicity of the statement is also the fear that it carries; change can feel scary. Let me assure you, however, that change doesn’t have to be scary, and that you absolutely can start living the life of your by following some simple steps.

Step One: Know what’s important to you.  It amazes me how so many people struggle to articulate what they really value in life.  Often, people are able to share the ideals that they were taught to value.  My question, however, is what do YOU value?  Your answer might be the same as what you were taught; and it might not.  The key to figuring this out is to detach yourself from any fear of judgment that you might have.  People are often afraid to share what they value, because they’re afraid that someone will mock them, belittle them, tell them they’re wrong.  The fact, however, is that values are not morals.  Rather, they are what’s important to you intrinsically.  What has you feel totally jazzed and alive?  These are the things you value, and the values held by one person may be totally contrary to another.  Some examples of values might be honesty, wealth, connecting with others, solitude, or spontaneity, to name a few.  So, grab a piece of paper and start listing the values that you hold dear.

Step Two: Recognize that you always have a choice.  Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes imperative that you understand that you always have choices in your life.  To take this a step further, there is a distinction between FEELING like you don’t have a choice, and the actual REALITY of not having a choice.  You see, the former situation might happen a lot – you may feel the conflicting pull of other people’s values that leaves you feeling like you don’t have a choice.  But the latter situation – the REALITY of not having a choice, does not exist.  That’s right, you always have a choice.  Your choices might be hard ones; but they’re still choices.  It’s important to understand this, because once you recognize that you have the opportunity to make choices in every moment of every day, you can start to make the choices that align with what you value.  It’s about being empowered enough to make your choices consciously, rather than simply moving through life in default mode.

Step Three: Find a new, empowering perspective.  I often reframe this step as “separating facts from reality”.  What people often don’t realize is that facts can be taken and put together to create different realities.  Take the case of Jennifer and Wanda:  both women have $500 in the bank, and $400 in monthly expenses.  Jennifer looks at these facts and says, “Hmmm…only $100 left over; I guess I’ll skip the movie this month and just stay home and clean.”  Wanda, on the other hand, says “Wow!  $100 left over this month; I’m going out to join my friends for a fun girl’s night out!”.  Do you see how they’re creating different realities from the same basic facts?  I get that this is a fairly simplistic example; yet the core truth is profound.  Each of us makes choices based on a certain perspective that we hold, which we call our reality.   What’s your reality?  How’s it serving you?  How might you reframe it to be a more powerful, well-serving alternative?

By putting these three steps into practice on a regular basis, you will soon experience the liberating feeling of living life on your terms.  And this is, ultimately, what a life of balance is all about.  You will know what you want in your life, be able to choose those things moment to moment, and you will look at your life in a way that allows you to see the possibilities.  So a balanced life really is within your reach if you truly want it.  The question to ask is:  how badly do you want it?  Find the answer to this question and you’ll be well on your way towards experiencing the ever-elusive state of balance.