Turning the Focus Outward

A couple of years ago, one of my mentors told me and a group of fellow leaders, “whenever you’re feeling stuck, turn your attention outward and create from what’s out there.”  This statement has stayed with me, obviously.  Today, it seems to be making itself heard yet again.  I’m not sure why.  I’m not feeling particularly stuck — I’m actually motoring along and accomplishing a whole lot.  I am, however, noticing an uneasiness in my gut.  Not sure what it’s about at all which, of course, is heightening the uneasiness.  And my tendency is to try and figure out the whys and wherefores thereof.

What I’m realizing as the uneasiness continues to build is that I absolutely could keep trying to figure it out.  I’ve got a story that says if I figure out what’s causing the uneasiness, I can address the causal factor and move on more efficiently.  This may in fact be the way to go.  There’s a bigger something, however, that’s telling me to stop focusing on me, and start looking outside of myself.  Not for an answer to what ails me, but rather to address whatever needs exist outside of myself.

You see, leadership requires one to engage in a delicate balance of being aware of internal needs and external needs simultaneously.  What I’m realizing is that sometimes, when keeping the focus on one area isn’t leading to a solution, it might actually be beneficial to turn the focus onto another area and address what needs addressing out there.  This isn’t about going through life with blinders on, or ignoring very real needs.  Instead, this is about providing space where it’s needed, allowing supposed issues to simmer and either evaporate or crystalize before attempting to implement a solution that may not actually fit.  After all, a solution that doesn’t fit just ends up being just another problem, you know?

Bottom-line: sometimes you just need a fresh perspective.  And sometimes, that perspective is most easily accessed when you deliberately turn your focus away from whatever problem is at hand.  It’s very much akin to what Albert Einstein once said:  “problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.”  If you want to solve a problem or resolve an issue, you’ve got to move your thinking to a new level.  And sometimes, that means turning your focus outward.

Recognizing Milestones

Sometimes, you can be pushing so hard towards a goal that it takes you a moment to realize when you’ve reached it.  My sense is that this is particularly true when the goal in question is more of a stop along the road, rather than the final destination.  I almost had such an experience just last week.

You see, I’m a coach with a vision, as most coaches are.  My vision, at it’s most fundamental level is about having women leaders step into their most powerful leadership selves, with a paradoxical sense of ease.  In other words, it’s about having women leaders engage with the challenging stuff that life throws at them, but with an energy of ease.

As I navigate towards this vision, there are a  myriad of tasks which I undertake on a daily basis.  There are numerous goals which I set for myself, all with a view to achieving the ultimate goal — having my message be heard and recognized as a valid one in a world that can sometimes feel overwhelming and anything but ease-filled.  Each of these goals feels worthy in and of itself, and yet, when they’re reached, it can be so easy to just sail on past it and keep moving towards “the big goal.”.  What I’m realizing is that by NOT acknowledging these supposed mini-accomplishments, there’s a way that I make the achievement of the big goal that much harder.  Why?  Because when you’re traveling a long road and you don’t stop to take a break or acknowledge your progress, you can actually feel like you’re getting nowhere.  Which is self-defeating.  So let me take a moment and acknowledge a milestone that I recently reached.  (|Note:  this is about me acknowledging my milestone; if you don’t care to acknowledge it, you can just move on to the last paragraph for the bottom-line )

For a long while now — probably a couple of years, actually — I’ve wanted to have an article of mine published in the coaching industry’s recognized publication, CHOICE magazine.  I’ve wanted to do this, but I’ve never actually submitted anything for consideration.  Don’t ask me why, I just didn’t.  Until this past spring.  That’s when I finally bit the bullet and decided to put one of my opinions regarding my profession in print and submit it with a view to having it published.  Well, it was accepted.  And the article is now in print for the world to see (you can check it out yourself at www.choice-online.com/current-toc.html — the title of the article is Meeting in the Middle).

Surprisingly, despite the fact that this is something I’ve been wanting for some time now, it took me a while to recognize this accomplishment as a milestone.  You see, my eyes are currently focused so far ahead.  And this particular accomplishment was a reminder to me that I must celebrate these smaller feats, even as I keep my eye on the bigger goal.  That’s the way for me to recognize the progress I’m making, and to feel like my work is bearing fruit.

Bottom-line: when you’re a leader with a vision that you’re working towards,  keeping your eye on the ultimate goal is important; it’s what keeps you focused and moving forward.  That being said, it’s imperative to recognize the smaller milestones that are reached on your way to that ultimate goal.  These moments of acknowledgment and celebration are what will have you realize that you’re making progress. And this progress is what will facilitate bringing your leadership vision to life.  Which is a good thing.

Compassion Serves

One of the things that I firmly believe, is that it is important to infuse your daily actions and conversations with compassion.  Without getting all definitive about it, for me, compassion is about being able to see a bigger picture, being able to let go of making someone wrong and making yourself right, and really, about being able to at least entertain the possibility of walking in another’s shoes and coming to a place of understanding as to why they might be acting in a certain way.  Not about denying the perceived wrongness of whatever action they’ve taken, but instead about allowing that the wrongness may come from an understandable place.

One of the things that I’m becoming more and more aware of is that by and large compassion seems to be going the way of the dodo bird.  In talking with others — managers, parents, partners, children — there seems to be a massive misconception that sounds something like this:  “if I show compassion, then I’m letting this person off the hook, I’m giving them a free pass.”  Well, what I know for sure is that compassion in no way lets someone off the hook.  Instead, it allows the person — the “wrong-doer” if you will — to be where they’re at, totally and completely, even while you share your frustration, anger, sadness, displeasure, whatever.

Several years ago, I read a fabulous book by The Arbinger Institute called The Anatomy of Peace.  They’ve also written Leadership & Self-Deception, which I’ve not yet read, but I understand that the principles are the same.  This book gives some phenomenal insight into how we as human beings can be in relationship with one another, true relationship, in a manner that allows for disagreement, but from a place of “hearts at peace.”

The basic idea is that, when you interact with another person, your heart can either be at peace or at war. The actions you take in either case might be exactly the same.  In other words, you might choose to be angry with your partner, expressing this anger by yelling, with your heart at war, or you might choose to yell with your heart at peace.  When your heart is “at war” there’s a way in which your focus is on how you’ve been wronged, and how you want to make your partner wrong in turn.  There’s very little focus on moving towards a resolution that moves the relationship forward.  Compassion is nowhere to be found.  When your heart is “at peace”, however, while you might still choose to yell at your partner, the fact is you’re coming from a different intent, from a different energy.  And because you’re coming from a different energy, the outcome will absolutely be different, even if you choose to express your anger in the exact same way.  In other words, the expression of compassion is an energetic one that in no way allows the so-called wrongdoer to slip off the hook, but instead has them be fully responsible for the wrong-doing even while acknowledging the whole picture.

Why is compassion so important?  Well, from my perspective, it’s about allowing our human interactions to be about so much more than who’s right and who’s wrong.  Compassion allows us to engage with each other completely, foibles and all, allowing us each to be fully human and perfect in our imperfection, always moving towards greater alignment.  Compassion is what allows us to move forward and grow together as human beings.

Bottom-line: it’s time to bring compassion back into our human relationships.  Forget about being too kind or soft, or letting people off the hook.  With compassion, people can take complete responsibility for wrongdoing, while still being completely human.  Without compassion, all that gets created is separate camps of right and wrong, with no acknowledgment of common ground.  Compassion is what brings us all together and allows us to play on the same field.  Compassion serves.

Laser-Focus + Soft-Focus = Mission Accomplished

I’m sitting here at the start of my first official summer work-week.  In many ways, it’s no different from any other work-week — client calls, meetings, writing, speaking, networking — these are the things in my calendar.  There’s an energetic difference, however; a difference that arises from the fact that my entire family is home (I work from home and usually have the space to myself), heightening my awareness of the fact that it is summer and there is a world of sunshine to be enjoyed just outside my patio doors.  Essentially, if I didn’t keep my eye on the ball, it would be really easy to get distracted and lose my focus.

As I sit here, contemplating the week — and weeks — ahead, I’m finding the idea of “focus” an interesting one.  It strikes me as a bit paradoxical, especially in the work context.  I’m having a sense that achieving success or accomplishing anything requires that I simultaneously maintain laser focus AND hold a big picture.  There’s a way that I’ve got to keep my eye on the ball, for sure, and at the same time allow my eyes to be aware of more than the ball.  Why?  Because if my eyes are on the ball and the ball  alone, I may actually miss vital details that could enhance my ability to achieve whatever it is I’m striving for.

As a leader, holding the vision is essential.  Focus on the vision is imperative.  Moving past distractions is key, in order to get to where I’m going and bring my leadership vision to life.  That being said, I cannot allow my focus to diminish my awareness of the rest of the picture.  In fact, there’s a way that holding a soft focus on the periphery while simultaneously holding a sharp focus on the object of my intentions makes that object even clearer. I’m thinking of a photographic effect here, where the primary subject is crystal clear, and the surrounding details are all fuzzy — and yet, the softer focus of the surrounding details doesn’t actually distract you from the primary subject — instead it almost enhances it.  That’s the power of holding the whole picture — you can be aware of it all, but with intent.  The awareness of the whole doesn’t distract you from your objective; instead it allows you to hold it with more deliberate attention.

Bottom-line: if there’s something you’re wanting to accomplish or achieve, you’ve absolutely got to stay focused.  And, it’s important that you’re not so focused that you miss the rest of the picture.  As a leader, you’ve got to hold it all — some of it lightly, some of it sharply, and all of it completely.  That’s the way that your objective will actually be achieved.

5 Steps to Dealing with Blind Spots

Yes, it’s true.  Even leaders have blind spots.  One of the things I’m discovering is that these blind spots are often self-induced.  Why?  Because it can be oh-so-easy to buy into the myth that, as a leader, you must somehow know it all.  Which means you can walk around with the idea that there’s nothing you can’t handle.  Which, in turn, can very quickly lead to the place of not admitting when you don’t actually know the answer to something.  In other words, you end up being actually unable to see when you’re floundering, or about to flounder.  Blind spot.

What is it about our society that puts this pressure on leaders?  What would become possible if leaders were allowed some latitude, allowed the opportunity and given permission to get things wrong, make mistakes like anyone else, admit to their shortcomings?  Would these in anyway diminish their leadership abilities?  My guess — and actually, my experience — is that it wouldn’t.  My guess is that having leaders own and acknowledge their blind spots — even allowing others to point out blind spots and support leaders in circumventing them — would actually enhance leadership ability in the long run.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  leaders who are allowed to be human — and perhaps more importantly, leaders who allow THEMSELVES to be human — are actually the leaders who lead effectively.

So, all this being said, how does one deal with blind spots?  What strategies can be used to acknowledge and then move around these areas?  Here’s my  5-step system:

1. Surround yourself with trustworthy people who will, in a non-judgmental, completely supportive way, point out when there’s something you’re not seeing (a blind spot).
2. Become familiar with your own voice of judgment so you can recognize when it starts speaking, and then turn your attention to the voice of reason which allows you to make mistakes.
3. Let go of having to be perfect — in fact, celebrate mistakes as learning opportunities.
4. Remind yourself that some of the greatest leaders in history made mistakes — and achieved victory by moving past those.
5. Once in a while, shut your brain off and act from the heart — the heart’s blind spots aren’t nearly as debilitating as those of your brain.  In other words, your heart will rarely steer you wrong.

Bottom-line:  blind spots exist.  That’s all there is to it.  Whether you’re a leader, a follower, or someone who hasn’t yet found your place in the game of life, you have blind spots.  Trust me.  And, owning them and knowing that they’re simply part of the deal is critical.  Once you’ve done that, you can take steps to navigate over, through and around them.

The Lessons Never Stop

One of the things that is true in this world, whether you’re a leader or not, is this:  by virtue of the fact that you are human, your are bound to engage in continual learning.  Life lessons and teachable moments abound.  Everyday, there is some new piece of knowledge that will present itself to you, some new experience that you will face.  It’s inevitable.  The lessons never stop.

Sometimes, these lessons come fairly well spaced out — there’s time for you to stop, catch your breath, assimilate the learning before moving on.  At other times, the lessons seem to come at you at a fast-and-furious rate, rather like being bombarded with snowballs from every angle possible, leaving you with no time to breathe, let alone think or assimilate.  This is the sort of week I find myself caught in at the moment.  Actually, to be honest, it feels like it’s been a couple of weeks’ worth of this sort of pace.  and in my conversations with others — again, whether leaders or not — this sort of experience seems fairly common.

What I’m noticing is that there are a couple of ways  to be with this sort of bombardment.  One, given that everything is essentially pelting me at once, is to lay down and try and escape from it all.  The bombardment still occurs, but there’s a way that I can bury my head somewhat and avoid the inevitable bruising.  Sort of an escapist strategy.  Keeps the pain at bay, but doesn’t actually result in me gaining anything or learning anything.  Which means that the life lessons will present themselves again at a future date, because that’s the way life works in my experience; if you don’t learn the lesson the first time, it’ll resurface later.  So I get to ask myself, do I want to learn this now or postpone this for later?  Always a difficult choice.

Another option is to allow the lessons to come at me, and try and learn from them all.  The challenge with this one is that my brain can only focus so much.  After that, nothing makes sense, so inevitably, I will miss stuff — and probably not the stuff I want to miss.

A third option is for me to keep myself in the game, keep myself really grounded and aware, so that I’m consciously choosing which lessons to pay attention to, and which to let go for now.  This is essentially the route I’m choosing at the moment.  The challenge with this strategy, especially as I hold myself in my leadership game, is that as I hold myself in a space of awareness, I can move very quickly into a corresponding space of judgment — judging myself for not absorbing all of the lessons, for having to learn the lessons at all, for being in this space, etc; etc;.  Which, let’s be honest, doesn’t serve at all.  Judgment tends to undermine any learning which might be happening.

So, what to do?  How do effective leaders be with the experience of life lessons in away that minimizes the need to relearn the lesson later, but doesn’t move one into overwhelm or judgment?  I”m not sure I’ve come across the definitive answer on this one yet.  My sense, however, is that it absolutely requires letting go of judgment,  opening myself to the learning and allowing relearning a lesson be an okay option.  Yes, I think that’s it.  And, as a leader, learning to let go of the judgment and stand in awareness as I learn and grow may in fact be the biggest life lesson of all.

Whatever Will Come, Will Come…

Yes, I know.  The traditional saying is “whatever will be, will be.”  However, my son has just finished reading the Harry Potter series of books — one of my all time favourites, by the way — and this morning I asked him what his favourite quote was.  He didn’t have to think long before he quoted Hagrid and said, “Whatever will come, will come.  And we’ll have to meet it when it does.”

Now, while I realize that the words were not his — he was quoting, after all — I was awestruck at his ability to pull what seems like an essential life-learning from the series, at such a young age.  Essentially, this quote speaks to what so many struggle with on a daily basis:  the ability to stay right here, right now, not worrying about what might happen, and instead trying to plan for every eventuality, engaging in a host of unnecessary worry as a result. Honouring the quote of “whatever will come, will come” seems like such a fantastic reminder of the approach required to move through life with ease.

As I reflect on how this perspective serves leadership, it occurs to me that leaders must strive to avoid getting caught in the “perpetual planning” trap.  There’s a way in which leadership — which requires one to be forward-thinking — requires one to plan ahead.  A leader must contemplate the future, try to anticipate what might happen and brainstorm possible contingency plans and options.  It’s the nature of the beast, I get it.  And yet, if a leader is not careful, he or she can get so caught up in planning and miss what’s going on right here, right now.  And this doesn’t serve either.

Bottom-line:  effective leaders balance the ability to plan with the ability to stay fully grounded and present in this moment.  They balance their ability to vision with the ability to see what’s right in front of them.  They understand that, try as they will, all the planning in the world simply cannot prepare them for every eventuality.  And when it comes right down to it, effective leaders know how to dance with whatever comes their way, even without planning.  Because, whatever will come, will come — that’s all there is to it.

Go Ahead, Get It Wrong (And Then Get It Right!)

One of the things that has been making itself crystal clear in every cell of my being over the last couple of weeks is the vision for what I’m creating in the world.  Admittedly, not all of it is crystal clear; in fact, much of it is downright blurry.  But it’s coming into focus, and everyday brings me another piece of the puzzle (sometimes I get a piece of the piece, but it’s still coming together — that’s the point).

As I give myself permission to receive these bits of insight, and as I sit with what’s clear and what isn’t, there are two questions that I hold that seem to support the process.  Both are questions that I encountered when I took CTI’s leadership program.  The first involves me filling in the blank:  “I was born at this time in history to  ______________”.  As if that doesn’t give one pause for thought.  Sheesh.  And then there’s the, “what is your purpose as a leader?” question.  Both of these result in slightly different articulations of the same phrase. And, they’re filled with what I believe my whole coaching practice and purpose are about.  Let me see if I can fill you in.

For me, what is becoming clearer, even 2 years out from my leadership journey, is that I’m meant to infuse the world — the small world around me and by extension the world at large — with a sense of ease. Now, whenever I articulate this, even if just to myself, I am overcome with a sense of overwhelm.  Ironic, isn’t it?  Given that I’m about “ease”? It’s like I get inundated with a whack of voices saying, “you’re full of it”, “no way can life be filled with ease” and other similar phrases.  All of a sudden, my mission feels daunting, never mind challenging.

But here’s what I’m coming to realize.  The overwhelm doesn’t actually come from the supposed enormity of my challenge.  Instead, it comes from a fear that I might not succeed.  That I might be wrong.  Or, that I’m right but I’ll somehow get it wrong.  That I’ll fail.  That I’ll leave this earth without having actually modeled what I think ease is.  With this in mind, here’s what I’m challenging myself to do — to go ahead and get it wrong.  That’s right; because what I know is that so long as I risk getting it wrong, I actually stand a chance of getting it right.  Every time I make an error, I get that out of the way and realign myself so that I eventually get it right.

And here’s the other thing I’m learning afresh.  As I get clearer and clearer on my vision, I also get clearer and clearer on my markers for success.  And my markers really are my markers.  My indicators of ease, and my sharing of these indicators, are based on my understanding.  In other words, it’s time for me to stop grappling with the angst of other people who don’t get what I’m up to, start putting myself out there, and then, glory be, I know I’ll get it right.

So here’s the bottom-line, the lesson for you:  whatever it is that you’re here to do, for whatever reason that you’re on the planet right here, right now, get clear on that, then keep putting yourself out there, dealing with others’ misperceptions, getting it wrong and then getting it right.  To fulfill your leadership purpose, you’ve got to get it wrong at some point.  Only then will you get it right.

Embracing the Space

So, I started my workday today as I often do — by logging on to my computer, connecting in to my social media sites, checking email and scanning my daytimer to see “what’s on the agenda.”  Each of these activities allows me to “get connected” and prepare for what’s ahead.

Today, I had a very interesting thing happen.  When I opened my email program, I was greeted by several messages from individuals who were needing to reschedule appointments, which is not a problem at all.  I’m nothing if not flexible.  As I responded to each request in turn, however, and then stopped to check my now altered agenda, I noticed that with the exception of one appointment, my entire calendar had been cleared for today.  That’s right, every single appointment had been rescheduled to later in the week.  Which means that I’ve been presented with a very spacious day.

As I sat with this noticing for a bit, I was surprised by the different internal reactions I experienced.  On one hand, there was a bit (albeit a small bit) of frustration over having to rejig things.  Not major; and it was there.  Along with this, almost in opposition to this, there was a feeling of “freedom” — that’s the best word I can think of — a sense of having the option to use my time as I wanted, rather than having it be punctuated by appointments.  This gave rise to a sense of gratitude — after all, it’s like being given the gift of time in abundance, time to address those tasks that often fall to the bottom of the to-do list.

Then there was this really weird feeling, perhaps the feeling that surprised me most of all. For this, I can find no single-word description.  Instead, I’ll have to resort to a combination of words — it was a mix of curiousity and angst.  It’s like I was excited about what would unfold on this day that was suddenly wide-open, and nervous about it all at the same time.  I mean, why the heck is the universe clearing my calendar for me?  What’s up?

As I sit here post-lunch, here’s what I know for sure.  In the midst of all of these feelings, there’s a paradoxical desire to simultaneously “use my time wisely” — dive into busy-work and get things done as it were — and to give myself over to the time that’s presented itself.  This morning, I’ve done a bit of both.  I’ve absolutely tackled some “mundane” tasks — the filing, the research, the organizing — things that would ordinarily be overlooked in service of more important things.  But I’ve also allowed myself to just sit, breathe and listen.  I still don’t know exactly why the space opened up for me.  And I don’t think I need to know, at least not yet.  Sitting, breathing and listening is allowing my head to clear, my thoughts to crystalize, ideas to form.   And so I’ve let go of needing to know, and simply embraced the spaciousness, letting my mind wander, doing what I feel called to do, and trusting that it’s all good.

Bottom-line learning:  when the universe hands you a gift, in this case the gift of time, go ahead and be aware of your reaction.  And, don’t let your noticings rob you of embracing and enjoying the gift.  All will become clear when it’s meant to.

Lines are for Writing On, Not Reading Between

“Say What You Need to Say” — so says John Mayer in one of his recent hit songs.  And while one might argue that the song is somewhat repetitive, I can’t help but be mesmerized, nearly every time I hear it, but what seems like such a simple truth.  “Say what you need to say.”  The song takes it one step further and expounds that “it’s better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say.”

The reason I’m writing about this today is that I’ve been bombarded in the past several weeks by what feels like a plethora of people stopping short in saying what they want.  Sometimes, the fact that they’re holding back is obvious.  Other times, it’s barely noticeable.  And in either case, what’s true is that the “holding back” is preventing the relationship — be it business, personal, neighbourly or something else altogether — from being infused with trust.

Now, I’m as guilty as the next person of holding back at times.  And my sense is that sometimes, there are good and valid reasons for doing so.  Perhaps the person you’re in conversation with hasn’t proven themselves trustworthy.  Perhaps you aren’t yet clear on your stance around a particular issue.  Perhaps you’re honouring a sense that a particular bit of information is best kept private for the time being.  All of these reasons are fine, and in these cases, I think it’s fine to hold back.  The challenge, however, arises when you hold back, expect the other person to “read between the lines” and then hold that person accountable to your unspoken message.  This is not fair in any way, shape or form and, it doesn’t work.

Some people are quite good at reading between the lines.  But that being said, some people are quite good at disguising their message between the lines.  Leaving things unsaid is a surefire recipe for communication catastrophe.  In the context of leadership, I believe that this is even more true.  Powerful leadership requires powerful communication — and this means being as transparent as possible — which means you say what you mean, mean what you say, and do what you say you’re going to do (which I think is a Barbara Coloroso line) — at least to the best of your ability.

Will you make mistakes?  Sure.  Will you hold back from time to time?  I’m willing to place money on it.  And, I want to challenge you — particularly the leader in you — tol lay it all on the line as much as possible.  Risk getting your message wrong.  Risk hurting feelings and having yours hurt.  Trust yourself and your relationships to be strong enough to move through whatever mess gets created.  Why?  Because when you say what you need to say, everyone knows where you stand.  And they can powerfully choose where they stand in relation to you.

Bottom-line:  quit being cryptic.  Keep it simple.  Say what you need to say.