Distinguishing Intuition from Fear
As a coach, one of the personal qualities that I rely on a fair bit is my intuition. Intuition is a quality which we all have access to; the question is whether or not you hone it and learn to work it, or whether you squash it and ignore it. Like anything else, the more you use it, the more skilled you become and the stronger it gets, rather like a muscle.
No matter how skilled you are at using your intuition, however, there is an inherent challenge. You see, intuition is about “inner knowing” — hearing that quiet voice that can be a fabulous guide when you learn to pay attention. The challenge is that everyone of us actually has two distinct inner voices, each of which strives to make itself heard. Intuition is one; fear is the other. And sometimes, the two can sounds awfully similar, particularly if the circumstance involved is new, unfamiliar, or unusual in some way. The question is, how do you tell the difference? Even those most skilled at using intuition can grapple with this one. And, there is a distinction that can be helpful. Emotional charge.
Years ago, I worked with a colleague who pointed out that genuine, intuitive knowing — regardless of the topic in question — rarely has an emotional charge to it. Instead, the voice of intuition generally expresses itself in a really grounded, emotion-free way. So even if your inner knowing is trying to warn you about something, there’s no fear-mongering involved; it simply draws your attention to what needs to be noticed, and lets you move along your merry way. The voice of fear, however, is emotionally-charged and then some. The voice of fear will have you spiral into the depths of certain death if you don’t follow whatever path it’s trying to steer you toward. This emotional distinction is what you can use to determine if you’re being guided by intuition or fear.
You might be asking, does this distinction matter? I would argue that it absolutely does. And I’m going to get really real with a personal example here to illustrate the point. I am currently grappling with a health concern. Months ago, I was faced with a medical test result that was scary to say the least. As is standard protocol, the test was repeated — and the result was negative, thankfully. So a follow-up appointment was scheduled for next year, but the concern was alleviated for the time being. Now here’s the thing. While my initial reaction at the second test result was pure exhilaration, I was aware at the time — and have been in the months ensuing — of a small voice in me saying that in actual fact, the second test was wrong, not the first one. The voice is small, relatively quiet, not at all pushy — and it’s there. There’s a second voice, however, (I swear, I am not talking about multiple personalities here) that’s louder and tends to swing on the emotional pendulum, vascilating between total “you are so going to die in the next 6 months” and “oh, for goodness sake, you’re fine, quit worrying, good grief already”. What I know for sure, when I choose to pay attention is that it’s the first voice I need to pay attention to. Not because I need to worry, not because it’s right, but rather because I need to get some facts — in a really grounded way. I actually want to be more certain that the second test was in fact the right result, and not the other way around. Now I could continue to notice and otherwise ignore both voices. Or I could ride the emotional roller-coaster of the voice of fear (that’s the 2nd voice). Or I could hear the concern of the first voice and get some answers — which is where I’m headed.
When it comes right down to it, no matter who you are, the voice of fear and the voice of intuition are both present, it’s the nature of the human experience. Both can provide some guidance for how you live your life. The voice of fear, however, is always rooted in emotion of some sort, and as such may not have the most grounded options for you. The voice of intuition, on the other hand, is much more gentle (even when it’s loud), providing some guidance, but never pushing. It’s grounded, leaving the ultimate choosing up to you. So what I want you to take away from this, particularly if you’re in any decision-making circumstance is this: acting from grounded intuition will always serve you better, than action taken from fear-based emotion. That’s the bottom-line.
Yes, Strong Leaders Can Be Vulnerable
For some reason, the issue of vulnerability is on my mind today. Not sure why. And not sure it really matters. I’m just aware that I’ve been contemplating vulnerability for a bit today, wondering what it means, and what role it has in the realm of effective leadership.
You see, one of the things I witness fairly regularly in my work (given that I work with women leaders) is a trend towards “being strong” — or at least acting strong — in the face of whatever comes your way. There seems to be an idea floating around that effective leaders are strong. Period. And for the most part, I can totally buy into this idea. Effective leaders ARE strong. That being said, I don’t believe that this strength needs to come at the expense of vulnerability.
When I think of effective leaders, leaders who get the job done, who command respect and draw people into their cause, there’s definitely a confidence and conviction that can be interpreted as strength. I do believe, however, that these same strong leaders — the effective ones — also know how to allow their vulnerability to come through. Vulnerability takes the form of admitting to mistakes, acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers, being willing to rely on your team, surrounding yourself with people who have capabilities which you don’t. And sometimes, vulnerability means allowing your emotions to be visible to the outside world, including sadness and fear.
Why do I feel the need to write about this today? Because I think the notion that vulnerability is contrary to effective leadership is false. Moreover, I think this mistaken notion sets otherwise effective and powerful leaders up for failure. Not just one-time, oops-I-made-a-mistake failure, but gone-for-all-time failure — the kind of failure whereby leaders lose followers and therefore lose their capacity to lead. My sense is that until and unless an otherwise effective leader is willing to be vulnerable — to let his or her supposed “weakness” come through from time to time, people will actually find other leaders.
While having a strong, heroic, invincible leader works for a time, at some point people want to see your humanity. In other words, effective leaders have got to be willing to let their emotions come forward, their mistakes be made known, so that they can then be seen to rise above that.
Bottom-line: to be a truly effective leader, you’ve got to be a whole human package. Strength is good. Vulnerability is good. And both together is great. Vulnerable strength, and strong vulnerability — I think these are at least two of the characteristics of effective leaders.
Allowing the Emotions to Flow
The human condition is characterized by a spectrum of emotions. Everything from anger and sadness to joy and exhilaration can be experienced by one and all, regardless of age, gender or ethnicity. When it comes right down to it, your ability to feel all of these emotions is what distinguishes you from other living creatures.
This ability, however, is often seen as a bit of a curse. While humans can, in fact, experience any and all of these emotions, the tendency is to only allow a few of these to be okay. Generally speaking, people are more inclined to allow feelings such as joy, excitement, happiness and love, while trying to avoid or stifle emotions such as sadness, fear and anger. Why is that?
Well, one reason is obvious…the feelings that arise with sadness, fear and anger are less pleasurable than feelings of happiness, joy and love. Given the choice most people would naturally lean towards the joyful end of the emotions-continuum than the sadness end. The challenge, however, when you only allow one end of the spectrum is that you actually start to deaden yourself to life as a whole. There’s a way in which, denying the feeling of any one emotion lessens your ability to truly feel other emotions.
To paraphrase Deepak Chopra, life is an experience in contrasts. If you truly want to feel happiness — and appreciate it — then you’ve got to be willing to feel sadness — and appreciate it. Now admittedly, trying to appreciate sadness or anger or fear can be challenging. Sometimes, when feelings such as these get overwhelming, it can be difficult to determine what to do with the emotion. You need to take care not to let it cloud your judgment and move you to make harmful choices. That being said, when you can allow yourself to simply be with the sadness, to feel the anger or fear, more often than not, it will dissipate and naturally give way to more pleasant feelings. In other words, allowing the emotions to flow — whatever those emotions are — can actually move you to genuine happiness, joy and excitement quicker than trying to stifle them ever will.
The bottom-line is this: despite our social conditioning to deny certain emotions in favour of other ones, it actually serves our experience best when we can embrace it all. There actually is room for it all. And all emotions serve, when you allow them to flow and be without judgment.
When You Can’t See What’s Ahead
A couple of years ago, I was driving with my family on our first-ever March Break trip to Disneyworld. The excitement in the vehicle as we drove on that first night — a 4 hour stretch, just to say we were on our way — was palpable. My husband was the only one of us who had ever been to Disneyworld, and even he was tingling with the anticipation of reliving the magic with all of us.
That first night we stopped at a hotel, enjoyed a relaxing evening complete with popcorn and a bit of TV before going to bed. When we awoke the next morning, we were in the midst of a major (and I mean MAJOR) snowstorm. Now, for us, being from Canada and specifically southwestern ontario, snowstorms aren’t necessarily a huge deal, so we just ate our breakfast, climbed in the van and headed on our way. Well, we weren’t on the road for more than 30 minutes before we were all feeling more than a little nervous, and that’s putting it mildly. There was a ton (more or less) of snow on the roads, plows hadn’t been by in who knows how long, and every few meters there was another vehicle in the ditch. The windshield wipers were freezing and becoming so snow-covered that there was no way of knowing what was ahead. The only thing we could see was what was right in front of us — and the screen of our GPS. And the only thing we knew for sure, was that at some point, if we kept driving, we would be out of the storm. So, white-knuckled, my husband kept his hands on the wheel, his foot on the brake, and his eyes on both the road and the GPS. By doing this and staying calm,he managed to get us safely through the storm and onto clear roads (granted it was a good 2 1/2 hours later till we were on clear roads, but clear they were). My job in all of this was to ensure that the children stayed calm and occupied — so out came my bag of activities, the in-car movies, and my own calm-factor (albeit with perspiration on my forehead).
Why am I telling you all of this? Well, this morning it occurred to me that life can, at times, feel exactly like that drive to Disneyworld. There are times where the storm clouds of life come in and you cannot see what lies ahead, no matter how hard you try. All you know for sure is that if you keep moving forward, the clouds will clear and all will be fine in the end. In those circumstances, the key really is to stay grounded in the here and now, taking one step at a time, and re-adjusting as necessary. Granted, this can be challenging in the heat of the moment. You may well want to “take the nearest exit” as it were, crawl back into bed and try to out-wait the storm. What I know for sure, however, is that in most cases, simply standing in the knowledge that the storm will pass, and taking whatever small steps you can to move forward in the meantime, is actually more productive.
Bottom-line: anyway you look at it, keeping your focus in the present is the option that serves best. Always. And especially when life feels cloudy.
Learning to Bless
As is normal for anyone engaging in the process of living life (I mean REALLY living, not just going through the motions), I seem to be in a constant state of evolving and learning. Moment to moment, day to day, things are constantly shifting in my world, and what I know for sure is that’s a good thing.
Sometimes, the changes can be overwhelming, however. Sometimes, it feels like evolution is happening so quickly that I barely adapt and assimilate what’s transpired before I’m on to the next stage. In moments like that, what often happens is that I feel unprepared for this next stage. It’s like I’m being asked to use new skills without having adequately practiced them in a safe container. At least, that’s how it feels.
This has been the scenario for me for much of this past week. Even as I stand in a place of gratitude for all that has transpired, and a place of curiousity about all that might yet be, I find myself being thrown into uncomfortable circumstances with a sense of trepidation — it’s like I’m not quite sure that my fresh learnings will actually work.
Well, one of the things that I’m playing with — and it’s actually serving me to play with this learning in these trepidation-filled scenarios — is the act of “blessing”. When something comes at me that feels less than comfortable, when I’m feeling like I don’t want to be with something or someone, I’m learning to bless the circumstance, the person, the thing in question — send out an abundance of love — and trust that all is unfolding as it’s meant to. What I’m noticing is that as I bless things rather than curse or question them, my focus shifts. I no longer stand in problem-solving or frustration; instead, I stand in a place where I can hand the situation over to be dealt with by a higher power. When I bless something, I can actually disengage from what might otherwise be a negative interaction, and engage in a more positive way. Learning to bless all that is in my life becomes a blessing in and of itself.
Admittedly, this requires a bit of conscious effort on my part. Sending blessings — especially to things, people, circumstances I don’t like — has not been my pattern in the past. And I’m noticing that it actually serves my life better than anything I’ve tried so far.
Bottom-line: the ability to bless and send blessing, ultimately liberates me from the place of fear. And that’s a good thing. I just need to keep practicing 
Time to Cross the Bridge
I’ve often used a bridge analogy when talking about reaching my goals. For me, it seems an apt comparison. You see, I’ve often had the feeling of seeing my goal “on the other side of the bridge”, knowing that all I need to do is cross it, and the goal is mine. I’ve also had the experience, however, of not crossing the bridge. And I’ve finally come to realize what stops me. Fear (big surprise).
Truthfully, I’ve known for a long time that fear is what holds me or anyone else back from the achievement of their goals. I guess what I’ve really just realized in a “hit me over the head” sort of way is the specifics of the fear, what I’m actually afraid of. It’s a fear that’s got a pretty big hold on me actually — and I know this because I thought I had ditched this one a long time ago. The fear that stops me from crossing the bridge, is the fear of leaving the stuff on this side of the bridge behind, and more specifically, the people on this side of the bridge.
Let’s face it; on this side of the bridge I’ve got people I know and love, people I’m comfortable with, people who get me (I think). And while my goal is definitely on the other side of the bridge, these people aren’t. Now, I know that some of them may in fact come with me — there may well be people who cross alongside me or follow behind.
What stops me, however, is the not knowing. I don’t know for sure if the people I love will join me — they might choose to stay behind. They might decide that they don’t like me when I’ve achieved my goal. And I don’t know who’s on the other side. I might need to establish a whole new support network in order to be with my goal. In short, it’s fear of loss and change that’s stopping me — and others I know — from moving forward.
So here’s what I’ve decided (gulp)…it’s time to let go of the fear, if nothing else, and start walking over the bridge. It’s time for me to truly live into the idea that stepping into a new level requires me to be willing to shed the old. Some of the old may stick around, and I need to move forward regardless.
Bottom-line: I can wait for everyone to join me on my journey before I step forward, or I can take the first step and trust that those who are menat to be with me will be, and those who aren’t — well, they won’t be. And there will be others. And it’s all good.
Dancing With a Million Ideas (More or Less)
It’s an interesting phenomenon that I’m experiencing. Last week, I made a commitment to be open to the invitations of the universe and respond to said invitations without hesitation. My objective here is to build some momentum based on creative, inspired energy. What I didn’t bargain on was the myriad of ideas and invitations that would come my way. Honestly, it’s as though every waking moment is filled with idea after idea after idea. It could almost stop me in my tracks!
I haven’t allowed that to happen, however, because I’m aware that my commitment is to moving forward. That’s what “responding to the invitations of the universe” means for me — moving forward on the path of my destiny without hesitation. What I’ve had to learn (or, perhaps it’s “re-learn”), however, is that even while there are many ideas coming my way, I don’t have to dance with them all at the same time. If I pick one to engage with – any one at all – the others will keep circulating until I feel ready to dance with them. That is, if they really want to dance in the first place.
In other words, I don’t have to be overwhelmed by the myriad of ideas and invitations. I don’t have to fear that they’ll disappear and I’ll miss my chance. Instead, I can totally trust that the really great ideas that want my attention will stick around while I give another great idea my attention; essentially, great ideas will wait their turn and I can just latch on to one and go with it for now. The not-so-great ideas will fizzle into the background sooner rather than later, whether I give them my attention or not.
Bottom-line: dancing with a million ideas — at least in the context of living life — means following one partner at a time, trusting that the others will be waiting when I’m done. In the great dance of life, I don’t have to fear missing out on anything. The ideas that want my attention will stick around. It’s all good.
Don’t Just Stand There…
…bust a move…actually, bust a pattern. It seems as though this is my theme for the week. Pattern-busting. And it’s an interesting paradox of challenge and ease all at the same time. Which, as a person who subscribes to the basic premise that life is meant to be lived with ease, poses some interesting opportunites right off the hop
I know as well as anyone else that you cannot do what you’ve always done and expect to get different results. It’s just not a reasonable expectation. If you want something to be different, you’ve got to take a different approach. I also know that the if you want to break a pattern you’ve simply got to make up your mind to do so. I believe this with all my heart: decide to do things differently, and you will do things differently.
What I’m realizing is the importance of the “with all my heart” piece; if you (or I) really want to break a pattern and replace it with a new one, we have to decide that’s what we want, and moreover we have to commit to it fiercely so that when the default patterns get set to do what they’ve always done, our commitment will over-ride the patterning. In other words, a wishy-washy decision won’t cut it. It has to be one that is rooted in fierce commitment.
So, what patterns are you looking to change? Doesn’t matter if they’re big or little, hugely life-altering or moderately life-enhancing. Whatever the pattern is, how committed are you to changing it? If your answer is anything less than 100%, you’ve got some explainin’ to do, my friend. Actually, forget the explainin’ and start explorin’. What’s stopping you from being 100% committed? What fears to do you need to address? What issues do you need to resolve? What’s it going to take for you to fully commit to busting whatever pattern you’ve identified as a block to the life you want?
Here’s the other thing I’m playing with. What if I actually don’t have to figure all that stuff out in order to be 100% committed? What if I can trick my brain into believing that I’m 100% committed? I think there’s a way. It’s called: using affirmations. In other words, if I create an affirmation that I recite repeatedly, to the effect that “I am 100% committed to changing x”, my subconscious will believe it. And then I’ll be able to bust my pattern without wasting time.
Bottom-line: I am 100% committed to busting patterns that don’t serve me, in a most expedient way. Starting now. Will you join me?
Are You Sure That’s What You Want?
I recently acquired a meditation/manifestation CD from a friend. Truthfully, I’m loving it. I find that having a person’s voice guide me through a meditation works well for me. Being the novice meditator that I am, I’m less likely to get distracted when I can follow something specific.
Anyway, right at the outset of the CD, listeners are invited to contemplate what it is they’re wanting in their life. “What would your ideal situation be?” is the question I am asked, and I know the answer beyond a shadow of a doubt. The next question is this…wait for it…”If you could have your ideal right now, would you take it?” At first this question stumped me. Why the heck are you asking me that? Of course, I’d take it! And then I realized that this is really the ultimate question! Because if your answer is anything other than a resounding, unequivocal “yes”, then it doesn’t matter what the heck you’re trying to bring into your life, it just won’t show up!
So many people I know say that they’re after something specific: wealth, joy, happiness, companionship, peace, balance. In fact, I’m willing to wager that there’s something you’re striving for right now, some dream that you’d tell me about if I asked. And yet I have my suspicions that in your heart-of-hearts, although you say they want “x”, if it were given to you right here and now, you actually wouldn’t take it. Why not? Well, I can only guess. And my guess is that underneath the desire, behind the curtain of longing, there’s an awareness that having this “x” show up would mean that life would be different from what’s familiar.
I can just hear the collective, “Well, duh!” And I’ve got to say, I’m not trying to be faecitious here. Instead, I’m pointing to the fact that at a subconscious level, we all love the familiar. Even when the familiar isn’t exactly enjoyable, it’s predictable and erego comfortable. To have it change, even for the better, means having to adjust how you are in the world. It means having to find a new orientation. And for some people, that’s just too much work.
So ask yourself, whatever it is you’re aiming for right now, are you willing to adjust your orientation to the world around you in order to have it? Are you willing to change in whatever way is necessary? Are you willing to let some people go, be with new people, perhaps change your location? Because when you’re asked whether or not you’d take your dream on a platter right now, what you’re really being asked is “are you willing to shift your life in accordance with that dream?” If your answer is yes, great! And if your answer is anything else, it’s time to stop and get really clear on what you are willing to do. Bottom-line: until you are willing to say a resounding, crystal-clear yes to your dream, it won’t show up. I guarantee it.
Standing on the Brink
“The brink of what?” you might ask. To which I say, “the brink of success”. I’m feeling called to write about this today, as I feel myself feeling on the brink another level of success. It’s the nature of life: we tend to move from success to success (or if the word “success” feels too strong for you, then use “event” — that’s broad and general enough I should think). The inherent challenge in this movement is that, as we get closer to our goal, there can be a weariness of sorts that sets in, even as you feel a simultaneous adrenaline rush that arises out of the awareness of how close you are. Do you know what I’m talking about? Let me give you a concrete example:
You’re running a race. A long race. You’re nearing the finish line. You can see it — it’s totally within your grasp, and you’re tired as hell. Every fibre of your being wants you to stop – but there’s a louder something within you that pushes you to put on a last burst of energy and surge forward. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t, but you do cross that line. And you gain a sense of accomplishment as a result. But what would happen if you gave in to the voice of fatigue? You wouldn’t reach your goal, and you’d miss it by a mere number of feet. So close, and yet so far.
For so many people, this sense of being so close and yet so far is the norm. The closer you get to your goal, the louder the voices of fear, doubt, fatigue, etc; become. The question for you to hold is, will you reach down deep and access the voice of encouragement, of inner wisdom, of championing to pull you (or push you) over the brink? Because the brink is really that point of no return – the imaginary line which, if you can just reach it and step over it, separates you from the life you know, and the life you’re creating. When you’re standing on the brink, you absolutely could turn back. And, unless you step over, the next level of success will elude you.