Your Experience or Undisputed Fact?

One of the things that I’ve become more aware of in recent weeks is a rather pervasive inability that many people hold; namely, the inability to distinguish between fact and personal experience.  It appears that  it is really easy to take your personal experience, and pass it off as fact.  How often do you have a particular experience of someone, and then tell others that that person is a particular way?  An example might be when you’ve had a confrontation with a colleague, and then proceeded to tell your family that that person is “difficult and controlling.”  Can you relate?  Or maybe you’ve had a particularly delightful vacation, and then shared with your friends that your chosen destination was “the best vacation spot in the world.”

The challenge with these sorts of extrapolations is that, your “facts” aren’t facts at all.  They’re opinions.  And while I’m certain that I’ve written about the distinction between fact and opinion before, my sense is that this perspective bears repeating.  You see, when you take your experience and present it as undisputed fact, you mislead others — whether intentionally or not.  And misleading others can lead to lack of trust in relationships, and unnecessary mistakes being made in various circumstances.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there are people who trust you enough that they will simply take your word for it, when you present a “fact.”  Therefore, it behooves you to be certain of your facts, distinguish whether what you’re saying is instead a personal opinion, and allow or even encourage others to find the “truth” for themselves.  As a leader, your opinions matter, for sure.  You definitely want to be confident in your statements, not wishy-washy.  And, you can definitely undermine your position as leader when you make blanket statements, convert your opinions into fact, or don’t allow others to hold their own experiences as equally factual.  This last point may be the pivotal one in this post.  Your experience is only one aspect of the truth — it’s not necessarily the be-all and end-all.

Bottom-line: whether you are a leader or not, being able to begin your statements with some version of “in my experience” provides space for the whole truth to emerge.  In my opinion, “truth” is as much in the minds and experiences of those involved, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And my personal experience is that as a leader, when you allow for your experience to be simply one aspect of the truth, you actually set yourself up to garner more respect from those around you.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this.  I would love to hear what your experiences are in this arena!

Just Because You Say It’s So, Doesn’t Mean It Is

Two of the best gifts in my life are my children.  Everyday, I have the opportunity to be with them in all sorts of scenarios, witness their growth, help them solve problems, teach them, learn from them — it’s all awesome, amazing stuff.  Yes, even the challenging stuff (and there are a few of those moments each day too!)

One of the more recent discussions that has arisen in our house is around “fact” vs. “opinion”.  In school, both of my children are being provided with opportunity to learn about these concepts, and they’re having fun writing essays, persuasive letters, you get the idea.  And the learning carries over into the home environment.  We’ve had lots of opportunity to explore what’s an actual fact and what’s not.

You see, one of the things that my oldest in particular grapples with, is passing off an opinion as fact.  And he’s not the only one.  I see and hear all sorts of people everyday make statements of opinion, expressing them as if they are indisputable fact.  Things like, “those cookies suck”, “going to the gym is the best way to exercise”, or “you’ve got to go to see that movie — it’s the best”.  Each of these ideas, the way they are presented, implies a fact.  In actuality, however, they are statements of opinion.  I might think the cookies are awful, you might love the gingery snap.  You might love the gym, I might experience it as torture.  My friend might be a big fan of comedy films, whereas I prefer drama.  Any time a statement begins with “This is…”  or “this was…” or the like, it’s being presented as fact.  And trying to pass off opinion as fact, is a set-up for disagreement and even hurt feelings, every single time.

Don’t get me wrong; there are definitely indisputable facts in the world.  For example, “2 + 2 = 4″ is a fact.  “Canada is a country” is a fact.  “I am just over 5 feet tall” is a fact.  There is no need to even try and dispute these — they are absolute.  Whether or not a city is beautiful, a food is delicious, or a person is nice, however, can often be debated.  Each of these always boils down to an individual’s experience.  And so statements around these topics are better off made from the place of “In my opinion…”, “My experience of….”, or “I think…”.  This leaves room for someone else to have a different experience, and not question why.

Bottom-line:  when you make a statement, do a quick check and verify whether it’s fact or opinion first.  Passing off opinion as fact really doesn’t serve anyone or anything, in my opinion.  It’s simply a surefire way to set up a disagreement that doesn’t have to exist.  That’s where I’m at today.

Have You Figured Out Your Reality – Are You Sure?

“The reality is…”  Years ago, when I was first engaged in my training to be a professional life coach, I learned in a pretty dramatic way how the use of this simple and fairly pervasive statement was a sure-fire way to keep me from creating life as I actually want it.  The phrase itself is brilliantly seductive; I mean, who wants to argue with reality?  Well, in the interest of serving what I believe to be my purpose, I’m going to give it a valiant effort.

How often do you find yourself using the phrase, “The reality is…”?  And what’s it generally in reference to?  My guess is that, whenever you start to talk about what the reality is in your life, you’re trying to convince yourself or someone around you about why you cannot do something.  Let me give you an example:

• “I know you’d like to play basketball, but the reality is you’re only 5 feet tall — that’s just not tall enough.”

If you look at this statement, I’m sure you can hear the energy of holding someone from the thing they really want, because “reality” can’t allow for it to be true.  But here’s the thing — facts and reality are two different things. There are the facts as they exist, and then there’s reality as it gets created. When one starts to present reality (the created product) as fact — which may or may not be the same — we get the circumstance which requires us to “separate interpretations”, to use a coaching phrase.  Let’s look more closely at the example above:

So, we’ve got two facts — a desire to play basketball, and a definitive height.  Two separate facts.  And while it’s generally true that height is an advantage in basketball — many players I see are definitely tall by anyone’s standards — the fact of being only 5 feet tall does NOT mean that one is automatically unable to play basketball.  In fact, I know plenty of short people who play basketball quite well. So the reality isn’t so much that this person can’t play basketball, but that they are 5 feet tall — that’s the reality.  Can you hear the difference between how facts and reality get presented?

So let me ask you, what’s the “reality” that you’re hiding behind?  What “reality” are you allowing to keep you from the life you want?  Understand, I am not asking you to deny facts as they exist.  You may well have a real health condition, a financial circumstance, or a family context that seems to run counter to the dreams you’re holding.  But seeming and being aren’t necessarily the same thing.  That’s what I’m really wanting you to get this month.

You actually get to create you’re reality; so are you creating one that serves you or one that holds you back?  And how attached are you to staying held back?  Because here’s the kicker:  when it’s reality that’s holding you back, there’s no point in fighting for what you want, right?  This, my friends, is the reason you so often create a reality that goes against what you want — you get to abdicate responsibility for creating life on your terms when reality is working against you.  What I’m asking you to consider is that the “reality” you’ve created may not be entirely right.  There may actually be another reality that can get created out of the facts of your life.

Bottom-line:  you get to create your own reality, every moment of every day.  In light of this, I assert that you are best-served by creating a reality that supports your vision for your life rather than one which has you up against a wall.  So, what reality will you create out of the facts of your life?