Your Experience or Undisputed Fact?

One of the things that I’ve become more aware of in recent weeks is a rather pervasive inability that many people hold; namely, the inability to distinguish between fact and personal experience.  It appears that  it is really easy to take your personal experience, and pass it off as fact.  How often do you have a particular experience of someone, and then tell others that that person is a particular way?  An example might be when you’ve had a confrontation with a colleague, and then proceeded to tell your family that that person is “difficult and controlling.”  Can you relate?  Or maybe you’ve had a particularly delightful vacation, and then shared with your friends that your chosen destination was “the best vacation spot in the world.”

The challenge with these sorts of extrapolations is that, your “facts” aren’t facts at all.  They’re opinions.  And while I’m certain that I’ve written about the distinction between fact and opinion before, my sense is that this perspective bears repeating.  You see, when you take your experience and present it as undisputed fact, you mislead others — whether intentionally or not.  And misleading others can lead to lack of trust in relationships, and unnecessary mistakes being made in various circumstances.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there are people who trust you enough that they will simply take your word for it, when you present a “fact.”  Therefore, it behooves you to be certain of your facts, distinguish whether what you’re saying is instead a personal opinion, and allow or even encourage others to find the “truth” for themselves.  As a leader, your opinions matter, for sure.  You definitely want to be confident in your statements, not wishy-washy.  And, you can definitely undermine your position as leader when you make blanket statements, convert your opinions into fact, or don’t allow others to hold their own experiences as equally factual.  This last point may be the pivotal one in this post.  Your experience is only one aspect of the truth — it’s not necessarily the be-all and end-all.

Bottom-line: whether you are a leader or not, being able to begin your statements with some version of “in my experience” provides space for the whole truth to emerge.  In my opinion, “truth” is as much in the minds and experiences of those involved, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And my personal experience is that as a leader, when you allow for your experience to be simply one aspect of the truth, you actually set yourself up to garner more respect from those around you.

Feel free to share your thoughts on this.  I would love to hear what your experiences are in this arena!

Nothing Beats a Real Conversation

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.” ~Yogi Berra

At first, this quote makes me chuckle.  Mostly because I can totally relate to it.  I’ve been in circumstances where there is so much talking going on, and yet, very little conversation or actual engagement is happening.  I have a sense that as a society, we’ve gotten too busy for real conversation.  Everything seems to skim the surface.  Life is moving at such a fast pace that, even when you’re longing to know the answer to a question, your brain is only half-listening.  And so you miss the opportunity to really be with somebody else and converse.

Unfortunately, with so much talking going on, you might well feel that you’ve had a conversation or two.  What’s the difference between mere talking and a real conversation?  Well, I used the word earlier; it’s about engagement.  When you have an actual conversation, you engage with another person or people.  Your present to their experience, and to their description of said experience that goes beyond the words.  You’re both present energetically, and you make time to be present.  Conversation allows for genuine connection.  And this sort of connection is vital the human experience.

When was the last time you had a real conversation?  Not just a series of questions and answers, but a meaningful, heart-felt, totally present, conversation.  I’d almost be willing to bet that it’s been longer than you think.  And so, I want to challenge you to have at least one REAL conversation a day for the next week.  This might seem like a low-ball challenge.  And yet, if I’m right about my belief that so few real conversation actually happens, this challenge might stretch you more than you realize.  And the payoff?  Genuine connection.  Which allows you to have richer experiences.  Which allows you to be a more powerful and empowered person.  Which leads to great leadership.  Which leads to the creation of more opportunities to connect.  Which leads to more conversation.  You see how this is going.  Have fun!  Here’s to immersing yourself in conversation.

Leaders Don’t Always Know

“I already know that.”  This is a common response that I hear in numerous contexts.  Whether it’s from children who despair over the reminder instructions from teachers and parents, or devoted self-help readers who roll their eyes over an exercise that they’ve already done to no avail, the statement “I already know” comes up quite a bit.  Heck, I’ve been known to use it myself.  Because, let’s face it, I know a lot (said with tongue in cheek!!).

Knowledge is what you acquire through the process of living and learning.  As you get older, you learn a lot and therefore you know a lot.  That being said, there really is a difference between knowing something theoretically — being familiar with a concept or notion — and knowing that same thing practically.   So often, when you say “I know that” what you really mean is, “I’ve heard this before and I don’t want to hear it again” — but you don’t actually KNOW the experience.

Why am I making this distinction?  Because I think there’s a way in which it can be really easy to let the illusion of knowledge prevent you from actually knowing something.  When you utter the words, “I already know that” you shut yourself off from the potential of re-learning something, or learning it from a fresh perspective, or (and perhaps this is most important) taking your learning from the realm of the theoretical to the experience of the practical.  In other words, telling yourself and the world around you that you know something may actually be stopping you from moving forward as quickly as you could, because you’re not really learning and, by extension, not truly knowing — instead, you’re just acquiring information, which is not the same thing.

So, what would happen if you and I approached the world and it’s myriad of experiences from the place of “I don’t know?”  What would become possible?  What fresh new perspectives and insights would we be privy to?  What light bulb moments would we experience?  My guess is that, if you and I could let go of the statement “I already know” and replace it with “I don’t know” there’s a whole lot that would open up for us.  And we’d actually move ahead towards our goals faster than we currently are.

T. Harv Eker, author of “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” says that there’s one way to know for sure whether you actually know something or not:  “If you live it, you know it.  Otherwise, you heard about it, you read about it, or you talk about it, but you don’t know it.”  In other words, if your life as you’re living it reflects your knowledge, then you know it — really know it.  Otherwise, you really don’t — and so you need to find a way to KNOW it.

Bottom-line: being a leader requires you to understand that while there’s a lot that you do know, there really is a lot that you don’t.  The very fact that you’re pursuing something means that there’s something you don’t know.  So open yourself up to learning, approach life from the place of NOT knowing, and watch possibilities unfold.

Leaders are People Too

I’m here at the official end of my work week, looking back with gratitude and curiousity at what has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride, to say the least.  Ups, downs, twists, turns — these are the directions that my journey has taken this week, ending with a bit of goodness to sort of “round it all off” if you will.

While hurtling along on this thrill ride, I’ve found myself dealing with the whole spectrum of emotions: everything from sadness and anger, to joy and gratitude.  There’s even been a bit of wonder in there.  And what I noticed is that a lot of people, myself included, had difficulty at times being with that whole emotional range.  When I stood in the place of possibility, curiousity and optimism, most people were fine and comfortable hanging around.  But whenever I succumbed to the realm of sadness, anger or grief, all the “fixer-genes” seemed to come out — nobody wanted me to be in that space, and if I was going to be there, then they were going to leave.  It was as though I wasn’t allowed to experience that particular quality of emotion.

Well, here’s what I want to say — to myself ,to my chorus of saboteurs, my family, my friends, my colleagues, and heck, even to those of you who’ve never met me:  leaders are people too.  By which I mean that everyone, no matter who they are or what they’re trying to achieve in the world has ups and downs, joys and sorrows, fears and quandries.  And furthermore, everyone is allowed to have these, to experience these, to be with these,and to move forward when they’re ready.

This isn’t about perfection or imperfection.  This is about getting, really understanding, that a complete life is marked by a complete range of experiences.  EVERYONE will experience joy, fear, sadness, anger, frustration, curiousity and whatever else you can think of.  Leaders, followers, optimists, pessimists, realists — everyone.  And when they do, there’s something to be said for simply allowing the experience to be, for bearing witness and standing alongside the person, rather than running to fix or trying to move them along.

Speaking (well, writing) as someone who’s just felt my world rocked by fear — as someone who doesn’t often get this scared — trust me on this.  Leaders are people too.  And sometimes, that’s all you need to know.

Excuse Me, But Do I Know You?

I’m sitting here this morning, typing this blog post and finding myself wondering about something that, admittedly, I’ve wondered about a fair bit in the last few months.  In really general terms, the topic which has my mind so preoccupied much of the time (although not all of the time) is that of technology and it’s ever-evolving role in our world.  On the surface, the emergence of various technological tools and mediums seems like progress; today, you can easily correspond and connect with someone on the other side of the world in a matter of seconds, using various internet tools such as skype, twitter or just standard email.  Just a few decades ago, such instant connection was impossible.  Provided the basic technology is present, no matter where you are in 2010, you are pretty much guaranteed to be able to connect with the outside world.   Which means — or at least seems to mean — that we are a highly connected world.  But this is where I question what others might find logical.

You see, while it looks like we have the means to be connected in ways never-before possible, what I know for sure is that this technologically-based way of connecting has a superficiality about it.  When your only means of interacting with the outside world is through typing, texting or even chatting via phone, as a human being you are missing the very important — and I would argue essential — element of physical connection.  Being able to see another person, experience their energy first-hand, give them a hug, shake their hand — these are not mere enhancements to communication and the human experience.  Instead, they are integral components of said experience.

Now, I know, many of you would argue that you’re still in physical contact with some of the world at large.  Furthermore, new technological advances are allowing you and I to interact in an immediate way with populations that would never have been possible even 30 years ago.  I get it.  My concern — or at least my question — however, is to what degree is this new technology impacting real human relationships?  What I witness out there in the world is that techno-based communication isn’t limited to work-exchanges.  Instead, texting, emailing, etc; are equally present in personal relationships.  So what arises for me is the following curiousity:  when you’ve spent the better part of your day involved in text and email exchanges with someone, is that level of connection as meaningful as even an hour’s worth of face-to-face interaction?

I guess what it comes down to for me is this:  I see us living in a world where the illusion of being perpetually connected has people — you, me, the neighbors — ignoring some of the essentials of the human connecting experience.  Handshakes, smiles (real, not those expressed with punctuation), hugs, physical presence are all experiences that augment our human connection with one another.  My invitation and request of all of us is that we challenge ourselves to stay physically connected, at least with a core group of people.  And furthermore, it’s my belief that such connective exchanges be present on a daily basis.  Otherwise, despite the number of texts and emails you receive, I would suggest that you’re actually moving into an isolated existence, the exact opposite of a truly connected one.

Trying On Another Set of Lenses

As a life coach, I do a lot of work with my clients around “perspectives.”  Fundamentally, I’ve come to hold the belief that your experiences really do take on a different feel and flavour depending on the perspective from which you view them.  I mean, really, if you’re standing on one side of the fence, you’re going to see something different from what can be seen on the other side of the fence, right?  Sometimes, though, it’s not so much about switching vantage points, as it is about switching lenses.

Let me give you an example.  Most people will willingly concede that the sky is blue on a bright, sunshiny day.  This seems to be the general consensus certainly.  What I know for sure, however, is that if you view that same sky, on the same day, with yellow-tinted lenses, you will see the sky as green.  “Yellow and blue make green” is one of the first things we learn when experimenting with blending and mixing colours    In other words, while you can get a different take on things by physically switching your vantage point, sometimes you don’t have to actually move — you only have to switch your lenses.

Through what lens do you tend to view the world?  What would you notice if you changed it up?  what would become available to you– what insight, what piece of information, what understanding?

What I know for sure is this:  as much as it might be easier to believe otherwise, the world does not exist in black and white, right and wrong, you and me.  The world exists, instead, on a wide scale of possibilities.  Taking the opportunity to view your experiences with different lenses from time to time can actually make your experiences richer, provide more texture, more breadth.  It may not be something you want all the time.  And, it absolutely can enrich your life.  So what lens will you try on today?

It All Serves

There are some experiences I would rather do without.  Seriously.  Need examples?  Well, I’m not a big fan of feeling “under the gun”, no matter what the cause; I could do without pain in my world; and really, sleepless nights can go the way of the dodo bird in my opinion – I’d rather have some good, solid sleep each and every night, thank you very much.  And yet, even as I hold these thoughts in this moment, I am fully aware that I am speaking somewhat tongue-in-cheek; after all, I do know that it all serves.  Even the stuff I’d rather not have.

I’m certain that if you look back in your life at seemingly painful experiences — or even the not-necessarily-painful-but-still-uncomfortable ones — you’ll fully acknowledge some learning, some insight, some gift that came out of it, even though you couldn’t see it at the time.  I feel compelled to draw a childbirth comparision.  Any woman who’s given birth knows that there are times during that 10 month gestation and seemingly endless labouring process where you just want it to be over already, and you wonder what on earth could make this “worthwhile.”  And then, when it’s all said and done, it happens: you realize that you’ve been given a gift.  And while you don’t necessarily forget the pain and agony that preceded the receipt of that gift, the nature of the gift itself far outweighs the pain and suffering — and you realize that the actual experience served a purpose (although you might not choose to undergo it again).

The nice thing about childbirth (and similar experiences) is that you do have an inkling of what the outcome will be — so you can “keep your eye on the prize” so-to-speak.  But what about when you’re in the throes of some painful experience and you have no idea of the potential outcome?  Or, what if you’re brain starts inventing all sorts of potential outcomes, none of which seem all that “pain-worthy?”  What then?  Well, here’s what I know for sure.

Your brain loves to play the “what-if yuck” game — that game where every scenario can  only end in yuck.  I don’t know why the brain does this, it just does.  And you can entertain it, or you can just be aware of the yuck and be aware that it’s as made-up as a pot-of-gold.  Either could happen, and, believe it or not, either will serve.  What won’t serve is you getting caught up in trying to figure it all out.  The true gift in the human experience is allowing yourself to experience it, knowing that it all will pass.  And in those moments when you can’t use the goal to support you in moving through the pain, you can use your knowledge that there will be some gift when all is said and done.  It may take time before you see it or realize it — and it’s there nonetheless.

Bottom-line:  embrace the idea that “it all serves.”.  Use this as your mantra, and you can get through most anything.  “It all serves”, whether you can see it or not.  This much I know for sure.