Why Are You Holding On?
I’m back to work after a week’s worth of vacation. I didn’t go anywhere particularly special. I guess the new-fangled term for my particular type of vacation is actually “stay-cation” — I enjoyed a week around the house with my husband, just puttering around, tending to necessary household tasks that have been on the back-burner, watching movies, day-tripping — all simple pleasures. It was wonderful.
One of the challenges I set for myself was to disconnect from the virtual world for the entire week. No email, no facebook, no blogging, nothing. I’ve done this before — but never when I’ve actually been home. It’s one thing to leave your virtual behind when you’re away from home; it’s another thing altogether to be in the space where you usually get connected, and choose to not connect. At first, it felt a little strange, I’ve got to admit it. But after about 36 hours, I barely thought about it. And it was wonderful to not feel attached to “checking in” every hour or so. Very liberating. And it created loads of space for ideas to flow naturally. Which was a great thing.
The drawback, of course, was that I came back to hundreds (literally) of emails this morning! This, of course, meant that I had to devote some time to clearing, purging, prioritizing of emails. And it provided me with the opportunity to notice just how many emails I get that I never actually read. Newsletters, announcements, promotions, updates — you get the point. Which had me ask the question, why am I on this list? Why do I receive these particular emails? Why am I holding on to this, when I never actually read these correspondences?
What I realized, and what I know for sure, is that it behooves everyone (leaders in particular) to check in periodically and purge. Just because you’ve always received a particular correspondence, just because you’ve always been on someone’s mailing list, doesn’t mean that you have to continue to be. If it doesn’t serve in some way — nurturing a relationship, providing valuable information, fostering a connection — it may well be time to be rid of it. It may be time to let go.
Bottom-line: sometimes, it serves really well to take a step back, disconnect, come back and notice what you actually want in your life. The things that are of value — keep those. The things that are just taking up space — ditch those. Sometimes, you’ve got to stop holding on and let go.
When You’re Feeling Disconnected…
…reach out and get connected. This is a learning that I gained several years ago. At the time it felt simultaneously simple and brilliant. I remember experience the learning as a “light-bulb” moment. “Of course”, I said to myself, “when I’m feeling disconnected the obvious remedy is for me to reach out and connect with someone. That will solve things instantly!”
Since that time, I have had numerous “disconnection” experiences, and been able to play with this learning as a result. Oftentimes, the simple act of reaching out garners an almost-instant reconnection, both with myself and the specific person I’ve connected with, or even the world at large. Sometimes, the reconnected feeling is a while in coming. And other times, reaching out feels like an act I simply can’t undertake.
In the latter case, what I’ve noticed is that there’s a way in which my reaching out doesn’t seem to be received or welcome by the other person, and this stops me from taking the necessary first step. I get the impression (or am told flat-out) that they’re too busy to make the time, they don’t want to have a conversation, they’re not into giving or receiving a hug (because sometimes, for me, a silent hug connects me quicker than any conversation ever could). In these moments, when I’m wanting or needing to connect with a specific person, and the need isn’t reciprocated, I find myself withdrawing from the world as a whole. I guess it’s a defensive strategy. The irony is that in doing so, I become even more disconnected and isolated, feel more alone, and eventually get into a really stuck space.
Well, here’s the extended learning that I’m getting regarding the feeling of disconnection: while the disconnect may arise through the relationship with a specific person, regaining a feeling of connection doesn’t necessarily have to involve that person. You can actually reach out to SOMEONE ELSE, connect with that someone else, and thereby reconnect with that essential human energy and experience that energizes your daily tasks. Once you’ve done that, you can then determine if, when and how to reconnect with the initial person.
Granted, I’m finding that this takes a bit of commitment on my part. Sometimes, withdrawing (especially on a cold, snowy, wintery day) really just feels simpler. And simpler doesn’t always serve. Sometimes, simpler leads to angst rather than ease (it’s a bit of a paradox, I know).
Bottom-line: if you’re feeling disconnected, just reach out and connect. With someone. With anyone. The human experience is meant to be a connected one. Reach and engage. It’s the critical action required to get you unstuck.