Leadership is About Relationships, Not Tasks

As a leader, you’ve got a lot to do.  No doubt about it, there are tasks galore.  Probably a mountain-load, right?  And yet, if you want to be a great leader, you’ve got to understand that the mark of your leadership lies in your ability to build quality relationships.  This is the most important task for you to undertake.  Whatever your to-do-list says on it, if you do not invest time in building relationships, it won’t matter how many tasks you cross off your list.

Building relationships requires you to be present to those around you.  You’ve got to listen, you’ve got to connect, you’ve got to invest time and energy in others.  This applies to team members, absolutely, but relationship building goes beyond this particular parameter.  If you’re the leader of a political party, you must build relationships with constituents.  Leader of a religious group?  Build relationships with your members and would-be members (and everyone you run into is a would-be member!).  Leader of a corporation?  Build relationships with your managers, your staff — everyone from the most entry-level position to your most senior manager.  No matter what your leadership title, you must hone your ability to build relationships.  Without this skill, it won’t matter how productive or efficient you are.  People want to feel connected to their leaders.  People want to feel connected to you.

Bottom-line:  as a leader you’re probably very effective and efficient at getting things done.  One of those things, however, has got to be relationship-building.  If you’re not so good at this, all the other stuff won’t matter.

Having said all this, let me share that I will be on holidays from now until the 3rd of January — time for me to build relationship with my family   So, the next blog post will be on January 3rd, 2011.  In closing, because I celebrate Christmas, I offer you the traditional greeting of Merry Christmas — and for those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, I wish you all the best of the season.  May you enjoy celebrating whatever tradition is yours at this time of year.  And may 2011 come in a light-filled way for you and yours!

Nothing Beats a Real Conversation

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.” ~Yogi Berra

At first, this quote makes me chuckle.  Mostly because I can totally relate to it.  I’ve been in circumstances where there is so much talking going on, and yet, very little conversation or actual engagement is happening.  I have a sense that as a society, we’ve gotten too busy for real conversation.  Everything seems to skim the surface.  Life is moving at such a fast pace that, even when you’re longing to know the answer to a question, your brain is only half-listening.  And so you miss the opportunity to really be with somebody else and converse.

Unfortunately, with so much talking going on, you might well feel that you’ve had a conversation or two.  What’s the difference between mere talking and a real conversation?  Well, I used the word earlier; it’s about engagement.  When you have an actual conversation, you engage with another person or people.  Your present to their experience, and to their description of said experience that goes beyond the words.  You’re both present energetically, and you make time to be present.  Conversation allows for genuine connection.  And this sort of connection is vital the human experience.

When was the last time you had a real conversation?  Not just a series of questions and answers, but a meaningful, heart-felt, totally present, conversation.  I’d almost be willing to bet that it’s been longer than you think.  And so, I want to challenge you to have at least one REAL conversation a day for the next week.  This might seem like a low-ball challenge.  And yet, if I’m right about my belief that so few real conversation actually happens, this challenge might stretch you more than you realize.  And the payoff?  Genuine connection.  Which allows you to have richer experiences.  Which allows you to be a more powerful and empowered person.  Which leads to great leadership.  Which leads to the creation of more opportunities to connect.  Which leads to more conversation.  You see how this is going.  Have fun!  Here’s to immersing yourself in conversation.

There’s Connecting, and Then There’s CONNECTING

We live in an electronically-connected age.  Overall, I don’t mind it.  Today, I can chat with relatives in India so much more conveniently than was possible while I was growing up.  Between cell phones, skype, Blackberry devices and other gadgets, “connecting” with others just doesn’t seem to be as big a deal as it was a couple of decades ago.  And yet, as I look around, I can’t help but feel that we’re creating an illusion of connection, without cementing relationships with REAL connection.

There’s a commercial that I’ve seen a few times on television lately.  It’s a commercial I love, not because of what it’s advertising (RV’s — my husband so wants me to give RVing a try, and I just can’t see it), but because of the poignancy of their tagline.  “Never confuse the devices that connect us, with the experiences that bring us together.”  This sums up for me, the essence of the challenge that society has created in the last few years.

You see, there are so many ways for people to connect nowadays.  That being said, these myriad of electronic connections just aren’t the same as the real, human interaction connections.  Nothing beats a voice conversation, particularly in-person.  Being in someone’s presence brings you together in a way that just can’t be duplicated over a computer connection.  The gadgets can come close, and they cannot substitute.

In conducting a survey of women leaders last year, one of the discoveries I made is that women leaders, by and large, regardless of their specific title, often feel a sense of disconnect.  As I look around me, I realize that this sense of disconnect extends beyond positions of leadership — it’s actually fairly pervasive, societally-speaking.  This disconnect covers business contexts as well as personal.  And it’s totally resolvable.  It simply requires you to actually connect, rather than virtually connect.

So I’m issuing a challenge, to you as well as to myself.  Do a quick scan of your week and take stock of how often you are scheduled to truly engage and connect with others.  Visits, face-to-face meetings, meals together — these all count.  However many are already scheduled, add 5 more opportunities.  Then, when you’re in these situations, ensure that you really stay connected and engaged.  Disengage from the electronics and engage with the human beings.  Notice what shifts.  What becomes possible.  What changes.

I’ve got a feeling that if each of us could consciously engage and really connect with the world, we’d feel more alive, more grounded, more positive.  It’s not something I’ve tested out scientifically, however I’ve got a hunch.  And I suspect that good things come from really CONNECTING.

Drawing a Blank

Woke up this morning with more energy than I have in the last few weeks.  A good feeling.  Got down to work fairly quickly, prepping the kids for school, finishing touches on lunches, eating breakfast — you know the drill.  All good stuff, great time to connect and be with each other.

Then, I settled down to follow up emails.  Some great stuff to respond to, including making it through to the “next stage” of the application process for an upcoming leadership conference.  Aiming to be the keynote — it would be an absolute fit for me and them, and I was thrilled to start my day with the news that I’m in the running!  Followed this with some gratitude and visioning, before launching into client calls — love it when client calls go where they least expect to go AND they make breakthroughs and have insights that will move them forward.  Feeling blessed to do this work.

Then, a bit of social media stuff.  Another way of staying connected.  Noticing a connection theme for me as a leader.  Feels important to maintain connections — make new ones, build upon old ones, etc; — when striving to breathe life into my leadership vision.  And now, I’m drawing a blank.  I know what I want to do next — that is, I know what project could benefit from my attention.  And, I don’t know exactly what to do.  Even as I write this, I have a sense that the answer lies in the connection piece — but not solely in outward connection.  There’s a way in which I actually need to go inward first, connect to my inner knowing, then turn my attention outward, connect and create from there.

My sense is that leaders from all walks of life have this challenge, at least periodically.  There’s a way in which the answer can sometimes be elusive — which can be frustrating when we’re feeling the pressure to be in the know, constantly.  And so, I’m just owning here and now that sometimes, I don’t know.  And that’s okay.  Sometimes, it’s easier to create on a blank canvas anyway.  That’s where I’m at today.  Onward and upward.

Thinking of Switching Gears

Up until now, I’ve been a little unclear as to the purpose of this blog.  Truthfully, I’m still not 100% sure as to what I want to achieve through my writings in this space.  That being said, what I know for sure is that I’ve tended to follow a rule, a “should” if you will that has had me write from an advising/wisdom-dispensing place.  Up until now.

What I’m realizing today is that, while wisdom is great, and while I do have some to share, I think this blog really is more about providing a means of connection.  For me, I want to use this blog to connect with my fans/readers/followers.  It’s about being real, sharing real feelings and learnings, and if wisdom gets dispensed in the process, so be it.

You see, one of the things I know for sure is that so much more happens, so much more gets created, so much more is served when I come from the place of relating to others, being in relationship with them.  Being in relationship, for me, means connecting.  It doesn’t mean that I have to get it all right, or make a whole lot of sense, or even that I have to refrain from rambling.  Sometimes rambling is exactly what’s needed.

And so, I’m switching gears.  Moving from needing to always be the professional expert, to simply being human and real, and if I happen to dispense some pearl of professional expertise along the way, so be it.  I think this will allow me to stand more solidly in the flow.  Which is a good thing.

Until next time, here’s to keeping it real.

Excuse Me, But Do I Know You?

I’m sitting here this morning, typing this blog post and finding myself wondering about something that, admittedly, I’ve wondered about a fair bit in the last few months.  In really general terms, the topic which has my mind so preoccupied much of the time (although not all of the time) is that of technology and it’s ever-evolving role in our world.  On the surface, the emergence of various technological tools and mediums seems like progress; today, you can easily correspond and connect with someone on the other side of the world in a matter of seconds, using various internet tools such as skype, twitter or just standard email.  Just a few decades ago, such instant connection was impossible.  Provided the basic technology is present, no matter where you are in 2010, you are pretty much guaranteed to be able to connect with the outside world.   Which means — or at least seems to mean — that we are a highly connected world.  But this is where I question what others might find logical.

You see, while it looks like we have the means to be connected in ways never-before possible, what I know for sure is that this technologically-based way of connecting has a superficiality about it.  When your only means of interacting with the outside world is through typing, texting or even chatting via phone, as a human being you are missing the very important — and I would argue essential — element of physical connection.  Being able to see another person, experience their energy first-hand, give them a hug, shake their hand — these are not mere enhancements to communication and the human experience.  Instead, they are integral components of said experience.

Now, I know, many of you would argue that you’re still in physical contact with some of the world at large.  Furthermore, new technological advances are allowing you and I to interact in an immediate way with populations that would never have been possible even 30 years ago.  I get it.  My concern — or at least my question — however, is to what degree is this new technology impacting real human relationships?  What I witness out there in the world is that techno-based communication isn’t limited to work-exchanges.  Instead, texting, emailing, etc; are equally present in personal relationships.  So what arises for me is the following curiousity:  when you’ve spent the better part of your day involved in text and email exchanges with someone, is that level of connection as meaningful as even an hour’s worth of face-to-face interaction?

I guess what it comes down to for me is this:  I see us living in a world where the illusion of being perpetually connected has people — you, me, the neighbors — ignoring some of the essentials of the human connecting experience.  Handshakes, smiles (real, not those expressed with punctuation), hugs, physical presence are all experiences that augment our human connection with one another.  My invitation and request of all of us is that we challenge ourselves to stay physically connected, at least with a core group of people.  And furthermore, it’s my belief that such connective exchanges be present on a daily basis.  Otherwise, despite the number of texts and emails you receive, I would suggest that you’re actually moving into an isolated existence, the exact opposite of a truly connected one.

When You’re Feeling Disconnected…

…reach out and get connected.  This is a learning that I gained several years ago.  At the time it felt simultaneously simple and brilliant.  I remember experience the learning as a “light-bulb” moment.  “Of course”, I said to myself, “when I’m feeling disconnected the obvious remedy is for me to reach out and connect with someone.  That will solve things instantly!”

Since that time, I have had numerous “disconnection” experiences, and been able to play with this learning as a result.  Oftentimes, the simple act of reaching out garners an almost-instant reconnection, both with myself and the specific person I’ve connected with, or even the world at large.  Sometimes, the reconnected feeling is a while in coming.  And other times, reaching out feels like an act I simply can’t undertake.

In the latter case, what I’ve noticed is that there’s a way in which my reaching out doesn’t seem to be received or welcome by the other person, and this stops me from taking the necessary first step.  I get the impression (or am told flat-out) that they’re too busy to make the time, they don’t want to have a conversation, they’re not into giving or receiving a hug (because sometimes, for me, a silent hug connects me quicker than any conversation ever could).  In these moments, when I’m wanting or needing to connect with a specific person, and the need isn’t reciprocated, I find myself withdrawing from the world as a whole.  I guess it’s a defensive strategy.  The irony is that in doing so, I become even more disconnected and isolated, feel more alone, and eventually get into a really stuck space.

Well, here’s the extended learning that I’m getting regarding the feeling of disconnection:  while the disconnect may arise through the relationship with a specific person, regaining a feeling of connection doesn’t necessarily have to involve that person.  You can actually reach out to SOMEONE ELSE, connect with that someone else, and thereby reconnect with that essential human energy and experience that energizes your daily tasks.  Once you’ve done that, you can then determine if, when and how to reconnect with the initial person.

Granted, I’m finding that this takes a bit of commitment on my part.  Sometimes, withdrawing (especially on a cold, snowy, wintery day) really just feels simpler.  And simpler doesn’t always serve.  Sometimes, simpler leads to angst rather than ease (it’s a bit of a paradox, I know).

Bottom-line:  if you’re feeling disconnected, just reach out and connect.  With someone.  With anyone.  The human experience is meant to be a connected one.  Reach and engage.  It’s the critical action required to get you unstuck.

Keeping Connections Real

Yes, another post today.  Seems like I’m in a writing mode lately, doesn’t it?  I think it’s me playing to a strength, doing something I love, and being able to expound on a new learning or insight.  It’s a way for me to stay in conversatin and exploration with others about issues that feel relevant in the moment.  Which is a great seguey into the topic for this post:  connections.

We live in a world which seemingly affords the opportunity to be forever connected.  And you would think that, given my belief in the importance of human connection, that I would welcome this.  And I do, for the most part.  I do have one reservation however, and this is around the depth and sincerity of these virtual connections.  You see, so often, the connections that are being made seem fleeting and superficial.  Virtual communications also eliminate a critical aspect to the human need for connection, and that is the energetic quality that can only be experienced through voice or touch.

Over this past week I’ve really noticed that I have a need to really connect with others.  Email is wonderful, social networking is great, but I need to have connections that go that one step deeper.  I need to be in the physical presence of others — I need to see faces, hear voices and sometimes hold another’s hand.  In other words, the language simply isn’t enough for me.  I need the subtle nuances of connection that get expressed when we’re genuinely together.

Don’t get me wrong:  at times, email communication, or social networking is better than nothing.  After all, I can often “hear” another person’s voice even when I’m simply reading an email just as well as if they were here.  As our world continues to move ahead at sometimes breakneck speeds, however, I think it behooves us to ensure that we aren’t removing the total experience of connection altogether.  I personally think that two-dimensional connections aren’t enough for us to thrive as we’re intended.

Bottom-line: go ahead –  engage in the virtual communications and get with the times by all means.  At some point, however, remind yourself to keep the connections real.  That way you’ll stay connected to who you really are as well.

Helping – A Way to Build Connection

One of the big learnings that keeps knocking about my brain is that successful people ask for help.  This idea has been reinforced for me,  seemingly at every opportunity, over the past year and a bit.  And it’s a good lesson for me to dance with, because somewhere along the line I’ve convinced myself that asking for help is risky at best, and makes me hugely vulnerable.  In some ways, I suppose, there’s an element of truth to the vulnerability aspect of the “asking for help” process.  There is another – perhaps more significant – truth, however, and that is that there’s also a huge payoff in terms of human connection and community.  Let me explain.

One of the things that I know for sure is that, regardless of  your personality style or social preference – in other words, whether you consider yourself a “people person” or more of a loner -  human beings are more social creatures than not.  There definitely is a spectrum to the sociability; some people need to be around others all the time, while others really do savour solitude.  Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, however, when it comes right down to it human connection is essential to an individual’s ability to thrive.  And one of the ways to ensure that you get the much needed human connection in your life is to ask for help, and in turn, to give it when asked.

There’s an interesting duality that exists in the whole “help” realm.  For many people, giving help is relatively easy.  Asking for help is a whole other kettle of fish.  And this goes back to what I said of my own experience in the first paragraph:  there’s a widely-held belief that asking for help makes one unnecessarily vulnerable.  What I’m learning through challenging myself to ask for help is this: while I may “feel” somewhat vulnerable when I ask for help, in actual fact I’m not any more vulnerable than the next guy, and if anything I’m making myself stronger in that I’m leaning into and linking up with another human connection.  The more connections I have, the stronger I am.  I think the key to being able to ask for help is to do so without placing my whole self at another’s mercy.  In other words, when I ask for help, I must stand in my own strength,  and when I give help, I must do it without taking away from the other person’s strength.  There is a way to give and receive help that is all about service.  And when you find the place of service, then helping is about meeting a very basic human need, the need for connection.  Which in a circular way builds strength all around.

Bottom-line: asking for help and being willing to help are essential to the human experience.  Helping is an integral way to build community and connection, especially when help is engaged in from the place of service.  While it may feel challenging at times, there’s a real gift to be gained for all.  So I’m going to keep stretching my “asking for help” muscle.  And in turn let me ask:  how may I help you?

Stop Making Yourself Alone

I know, 2 blog posts in one day — what’s up with that?  But I’m feeling moved to write, and I’ve learned to honour the gentle nudges of the universe.  And the nudge right now is to share with you a learning from last year: nobody is ever alone.  Let me explain.

There have been many times in my life when I have felt alone.  Indeed, there have been some times when I have felt more than simply alone, I have felt completely isolated.  In recent years this is something of an occupational hazard — I work from home, self-employed — you get the picture.  But even outside of work stuff, there are moments where I feel — indeed when I tell myself — that I am in this game of life on my own, that there’s nobody in the game with me, or at least nobody in my playing zone.  Can you relate?  I’m guesing that you can.  And what I learned last year is that, the whole “I’m alone” thing is a crock — it really is.

You see, we live in a world of millions — actually billions — of people.  Therefore, unless you’re living as a hermit in the midst of the desert or the rainforest (and I will concede that this is possible), you are likely within a few minutes reach of somebody’s physical presence, if not their energetic presence (e.g., phone, internet, etc;).  Which means that you can always reach out to somebody, somewhere.  This is an important thing for you to know.  Because when times get tough or things get overwhelming, there seems to be this fairly human tendency to pull inward and withdraw, which leads to a sense of isolation — and oftentimes, being alone in these cases doesn’t serve well.  The irony of this human tendency is that it’s counter-productive.  In moments of overwhelm or difficulty, what’s often needed is the strength and company of others.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that “alone-time” is a bad thing.  Indeed there are plenty of times when a few moments of solitude can serve you really well.  It can be a chance to sort things out, regroup, get grounded.  But there does come a point where you absolutely must reach out and find the human connection that can support you in getting through whatever’s going on.  Instead of making yourself alone, it’s time to make yourself connected.

Now, I know there are some of you saying but I AM alone — people around me are too busy, my coworkers have their own things to deal with, my family doesn’t understand (besides they live too far away) and on and on.  And here’s what I want to offer you, at the risk of sounding uber-philosophical:  even when the human beings in your life seem to vanish from your presence, the universe (use whatever religious term fits for you here — God, Jesus, Spirit, Allah) is right beside you.  That’s right, the universe has got your back; erego YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, no matter what is going on for you.  For me personally, the moment when I realized this, was absolutely liberating and life-altering.  I still have moments where old patterns kick in and I try to convince myself that I’m in this on my own.  And then I remember that I’m not.  Andt he beauty is that when I remember this — when I get that at the very least the universe is in my corner (which seems a pretty big deal, actually) — then I am able to find the strength, courage and wisdom to reach out and connect with whoever is available.  Then, I’m not alone.  And that’s a good thing.  So I invite you to share in the experience of connection — stop making yourself alone.