What Makes You Think You’re So Special?

This is a question I hear a lot of people ask of others. Heck, sometimes I hear people ask it of me. Often, there’s a sneering energy that accompanies the question, a taunt of sorts, the underlying suggestion always being that you are not as great as you think you are. And sometimes, the people on the receiving end of this question are deserving of the taunt; they’re holding themselves as better than others, placing themselves on a pedestal, thinking that nobody measures up to them.

Often, however, the person on the receiving end of the question isn’t the culprit that he or she is being portrayed to be. The culprit, instead, is the asker of the question. And the issue isn’t thinking too highly of one’s self, it’s not thinking highly enough. So rather than take a moment or two to discover their inner greatness, they’ll stand in their perceived “weakness” and endeavour to bring others down to that level. After all, it’s so much easier to stay stuck where you are, rather than rise up to where you want to be, right?

I bring this up in today’s article because one of the things I’ve learned over time is that there is a fine line between excessive pride and excessive humility. Neither of these perspectives will serve you very well, no matter who you are. When you hold yourself as greater than what you are, needing to learn nothing from others and always at the top of your game, you will eventually take yourself out of the game. After all, nobody wants to play with someone who’s arrogant and a know-it-all. On the flip side, if you place yourself on a “lesser playing field” of sorts, you’ll rarely be asked to join the game and, if you are asked, you won’t be able to play to your full potential. Why? Because others won’t necessarily put in the effort to find out what your potential is. Or, if they do invest the effort, they won’t do so for long; they’ll stop championing you forward the minute they realize that they’re more invested in your success than you are.

Part of your job as a human being is to discover, know and own your inner strengths. What are the particular gifts and talents that belong to you? What are you great at? Another part of your job as a human being is to balance this knowledge of your strengths, with knowledge of your weaknesses. Where can you use support? What is your Achilles heel? And once you know these two sides of you, you need to stand in what makes you great, while acknowledging where you need help. This is the essence of confidence.

No matter what your spiritual beliefs, one of the things I know for sure – and this is confirmed for me as I look around the world – is that each and every person on the planet has an innate set of gifts, strengths, and talents as well as areas that need some refinement. Everyone knows something; nobody knows everything. Your job is to truly stand in your greatness, knowing that there is greatness in you, and balance this with the knowledge that there are aspects of you that need some work.

Bottom-line: downplaying your greatness is just as much of a disservice to you as making yourself better than you are. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance; and there’s a fine line between humility and lack of self-esteem. In both cases, bring yourself right up to the line – and make sure you don’t cross over.

Wrapping Things Up? No Ribbons & Bows Required

For me, today is the end of my work week.  I generally take Fridays to focus on personal matters.  I used to call it a day off, however, it’s not really.  Between all the laundry, groceries, cleaning, etc; that I do on Fridays, calling it a day off seems like an insult to the term.  All that to say that Thursdays are often my “wrap-up day” when it comes to the professional side of my life.

Here’s the challenge, especially of late, when things are morphing and evolving rapidly in my business.  It’s almost as though projects are taking on a life of their own and, as a result, there is SO much to do — always.  Things are getting done, for sure, and still the to-do list never ends.  Which is not a complaint at all; it is, however, an observation and one that poses a bit of a challenge to say the least.

You see, I am a person who prefers — like so many people I know — to wrap things up neatly and start with a clean slate each day.  Wrapping things up neatly means reaching the end of the day with each and every project or task on my to-do list having come to a natural stopping point, if not being completed in their entirety.  Lately this is becoming less and less possible.  I’m having to carry things over to the next day, unless I’m willing to work into the evening hours, which I’m not, due to other commitments.   Which means “wrapping things up” isn’t happening in the way I like to see things “wrap up.”  So I’m having to find new ways and attitudes for successfully leaving projects at the end of the day, and returning to them at the next opportunity, without guilt or pressure arising from the fact that it didn’t get “done” the day before.

My sense is that this is a good learning moment for me.  I’m discovering (actually, I’m re-discovering) the art of pushing myself to complete something while simultaneously allowing myself to let a task go when the end of the day hits, knowing that it will be waiting for me when I return.  That is not to say that I can ignore deadlines in any way.  When a deadline is looming, I may well have to extend my work-day to meet said deadline.  In order to avoid this sort of circumstance, I do have to be organized, plan my time well, and be focused while I am working.  Assuming all of these things are in place, then I can rest easy each and every day, knowing that while I might not be able to put a metaphorical bow on each and every project come day’s end, I can let said projects go from my consciousness once my internal time-clock beeps, and continue working on them with a fresh outlook and perspective when I return.

Bottom-line:  pushing to complete to do lists in their entirety everyday is an admirable objective.  And, you’ve got to balance your drive with an acknowledgment of when it’s time to rest.  Wrapping things up with ribbons and bows is lovely; and it doesn’t have to happen everyday.  Some things can — and must — wait until tomorrow.

Balancing the Push and the Pull

A couple of years ago when I was in the throes of my leadership program, I was introduced to the juxtaposition in life of “homeostasis” and “emergence.”  In a nutshell, these are opposing forces that are in constant play in the game of life.  Homeostasis is about staying the same, staying right where you are, hanging out in what you know.  Emergence, on the other hand, is about being called into a new way of being, a new course of action, something as yet unknown.  There’s a way in which the human experience demands both.

I notice this in my business all the time.  There are things that I do well, that I like doing, that I’m comfortable with — and I generally want to keep doing these things and hanging out in these spaces.  I know them, I’m familiar with them — why change?  And yet, I cannot deny that there is always a part of me that feels called to something else, something different, something that will stretch me.  Could be a new course to take, a new program to offer, a new product to develop.  No matter what it is, it simultaneously excites me  and scares the pants off me.  And so I feel this constant push towards the new, even while the old wants to pull me back.  It’s like my life is playing a cosmic game of tug of war, only I’m the rope.

What I’m learning — and the learning started when I was first introduced to the concept two years ago — is that both of these conditions are necessary.  I actually need to heed the call of both.  I need to allow myself to be pushed forward (or pulled forward as the case might be) by the desire of emergence, the craving for something new AND I need to allow the pull-back of homeostasis to keep me from moving ahead too rapidly.  I need to balance the moving forward with the staying put.  The newness can definitely keep me from stagnating, which is a good thing; and the stuff that I know can keep me from getting overwhelmed by all there is that I haven’t experienced or known before.

Bottom-line:  feeling simultaneously pushed and pulled isn’t a bad thing.  Being aware of both, allowing a space for both, allows you to move forward and stretch with a modicum of balance, slowly releasing what you know and are comfortable with, even as you step into whatever’s next for you.  It’s a good way to be.

Balancing Movement and Stillness

The last few days I’ve been sitting with what appear to be opposing notions — the notion of movement, and that of stillness.  You see, what I’m currently aware of is that I am heading towards a particular objective.  Actually, who am I kidding — I’m heading towards several objectives, but they’re all on the same path.  As each objective is met, another one is waiting further along.  But that is not the point.

The point, instead, is that even as I head toward these objectives, no matter how clear I might be about what I want out of life, there are moments where the fog settles in and I can’t see where it is I’m headed.  In these moments, I can choose to move forward, trusting my internal compass, or I can choose to be still for a bit, and wait for the fog to burn off.

My sense is that there are merits to both.  In the movie Finding Nemo, when Dori forgets where she is and where she’s heading, her motto is to “keep on swimming, keep on swimming…” — and this approach can absolutely serve.  It keeps momentum going, and gets you closer to your ultimate goal in some small way.  That being said, sometimes you just have to stop and get your bearings.  Sometimes, stopping and allowing the fog to lift shows you a whole new perspective on the path you’ve chosen.  This doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily choose another path; it does however afford you the opportunity to come at your path from another angle, so to speak.

I guess what I’m realizing is this:  there can be a real tendency to just forge ahead with a pig-headed determination when you’ve got a specific objective in mind.  Sometimes, however, even as you plow ahead, the air gets murky, your vision gets impaired, and plowing ahead may actually be more of an act of danger than stick-to-it-iveness.  In those moments, finding a place of stillness, and allowing things to settle may ultimately move you further along your path than would otherwise be possible.  In other words, being still isn’t a bad thing.  You’ve just got to find the right balance between forward movement and stillness.  That’s what actually allows you to achieve your goal with panache.

How Much Do You LOVE What You Do?

I’m a blessed woman, I admit it.  I’ve got a supportive husband, fabulous kids, parents who are alive and well and live close by, friends that I can connect with when I want to or need to, good health, a great home, yummy food — my list really could go on and on.  One of the things I haven’t yet mentioned, however, and that I truly think is a phenomenal blessing, is that I get to fill my days doing work that I absolutely LOVE.  That’s right; I LOVE the work that I do, I LOVE the environment in which I work, and I LOVE the people that I work with.  Can you say the same?

The reason I ask you this question is this:  I believe that everyone has the right to do the work they love to do.  More importantly, I think everyone has a responsibility to be doing the work that they love to do, in the environment that they love, with the people they love.  You read correctly — I think that you have not only the right to do work that you love, but the responsibility to do so as well.  Why?  Because I believe that the work that you love is the work that you were put on this planet to do.  And if you’re doing anything other than the work that you love, then you’re selling yourself short and not living into your purpose.

So ask yourself:  are you doing work that you LOVE?  And if your answer is anything other than an unqualified “yes”, I ask a follow-up question:  what’s stopping you?  Is it the job itself? ?  The people? The circumstances? Whatever it is, what’s it going to take for you to get yourself to a place and time where you can shout from the rooftops, “I LOVE the work that I do?”  As an expert in the area of life balance, one of the things I know for sure is that in order to have a sense of balance in your life, you have to love what you do.  So, knowing that 2010 is just around the corner, what will you do to tweak your circumstances?

Bottom-line:  what I want for you is a sense of joy and fulfillment in the work that you do on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis — yes, even when you’re engrossed in the logistics of it all.  Because when you’re doing what you love, even the logistics are loveable.  Trust me.

Life Balance Part 2

How Do I Create My Life to Feel More Balanced?

In the last issue of Women of Today, I addressed the topic of defining life balance.  For those who didn’t get a chance to read it, the critical points were these:

• A balanced life looks different for different people
• Balance is a direction, it’s not a destination
• A “balanced life” does not mean a “perfect” or “stress-free” life

By way of recapping and bringing you up to speed, I invite you to take a few moments and get clear on what YOUR balanced life would look like.  How would your life be different than what it currently is?

Having gained some clarity on what your balanced life would look like, it’s now time to shift this picture of your life into the reality of your life. Often people balk at this point; it’s one thing to imagine a life that feels more balanced, to talk about it and dream about it.  It feels like a whole other ball game, however, to actually create it.  Why?  Because creating a new life for yourself means leaving the life you know behind.  This may seem obvious, but beyond the simplicity of the statement is also the fear that it carries; change can feel scary. Let me assure you, however, that change doesn’t have to be scary, and that you absolutely can start living the life of your by following some simple steps.

Step One: Know what’s important to you.  It amazes me how so many people struggle to articulate what they really value in life.  Often, people are able to share the ideals that they were taught to value.  My question, however, is what do YOU value?  Your answer might be the same as what you were taught; and it might not.  The key to figuring this out is to detach yourself from any fear of judgment that you might have.  People are often afraid to share what they value, because they’re afraid that someone will mock them, belittle them, tell them they’re wrong.  The fact, however, is that values are not morals.  Rather, they are what’s important to you intrinsically.  What has you feel totally jazzed and alive?  These are the things you value, and the values held by one person may be totally contrary to another.  Some examples of values might be honesty, wealth, connecting with others, solitude, or spontaneity, to name a few.  So, grab a piece of paper and start listing the values that you hold dear.

Step Two: Recognize that you always have a choice.  Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes imperative that you understand that you always have choices in your life.  To take this a step further, there is a distinction between FEELING like you don’t have a choice, and the actual REALITY of not having a choice.  You see, the former situation might happen a lot – you may feel the conflicting pull of other people’s values that leaves you feeling like you don’t have a choice.  But the latter situation – the REALITY of not having a choice, does not exist.  That’s right, you always have a choice.  Your choices might be hard ones; but they’re still choices.  It’s important to understand this, because once you recognize that you have the opportunity to make choices in every moment of every day, you can start to make the choices that align with what you value.  It’s about being empowered enough to make your choices consciously, rather than simply moving through life in default mode.

Step Three: Find a new, empowering perspective.  I often reframe this step as “separating facts from reality”.  What people often don’t realize is that facts can be taken and put together to create different realities.  Take the case of Jennifer and Wanda:  both women have $500 in the bank, and $400 in monthly expenses.  Jennifer looks at these facts and says, “Hmmm…only $100 left over; I guess I’ll skip the movie this month and just stay home and clean.”  Wanda, on the other hand, says “Wow!  $100 left over this month; I’m going out to join my friends for a fun girl’s night out!”.  Do you see how they’re creating different realities from the same basic facts?  I get that this is a fairly simplistic example; yet the core truth is profound.  Each of us makes choices based on a certain perspective that we hold, which we call our reality.   What’s your reality?  How’s it serving you?  How might you reframe it to be a more powerful, well-serving alternative?

By putting these three steps into practice on a regular basis, you will soon experience the liberating feeling of living life on your terms.  And this is, ultimately, what a life of balance is all about.  You will know what you want in your life, be able to choose those things moment to moment, and you will look at your life in a way that allows you to see the possibilities.  So a balanced life really is within your reach if you truly want it.  The question to ask is:  how badly do you want it?  Find the answer to this question and you’ll be well on your way towards experiencing the ever-elusive state of balance.

Life Balance Part 1

What Exactly Is “A Balanced Life”?

One of the biggest challenges that many of my clients bring to their coaching sessions revolves around achieving life balance.  This is not surprising when you consider that we live in a world where there is so much going on, so many choices to make, and a myriad of demands on our time.  Given the fast-paced nature of the world in which we live, how exactly does one achieve the ever-coveted state of “balance”?

The critical first step is to define what life balance actually is.  As much as the phrase is a popular one, I’m willing to be that you aren’t able to clearly articulate its meaning.  The reason for this is quite simple:  balance looks different to each person.  What looks like a balanced, manageable day for your best friend may look like complete chaos to you.  So, it is essential that you get clear on what balance looks like for you.  Ask yourself:  what would be present in my life if things were more balanced?  What would I be doing?  How would I be feeling?  Once you know the answers to these questions, then you’ve got a solid sense of what you’re aiming for.  You’ve got a direction in which to head.

Which bring us to the second aspect of the definition.  People often assume that “balance” is a state of being, a destination.  The fact, however, is that it is not a destination but rather a direction.  In every moment of every day you are presented with choices.  The choices you make are either moving you in the direction of balance, or away from it.  It behooves you to remember this because if you labour under the illusion that balance is a state of being then you can fail to recognize it when you actually have it.  So, say it with me, and repeat it often:  BALANCE IS A DIRECTION; IT’S NOT A DESTINATION.

The final piece of the definition is to remember that “balanced” does not equate to stress-free or perfect.  Life, being what it is, will always have its ups and downs.  When you are making choices that move you towards balance, however, the up-and-down moments don’t knock you off course; you simply move with them and take them in stride.  Think about roller-coaster rides.  There are some roller-coasters that send you to the place of complete nausea; you exit the ride and head for the nearest garbage can or washroom as quickly as possible.  There are other roller-coasters, however, that leave you feeling absolutely exhilarated.  There’s a thrill to the ride, even with its ups and downs.  You know you can go back for more, and handle it just fine.  In the same way, when your life choices are in line with what you want, and you’re moving towards balance more often than not, life’s ups and downs are just part of the journey.

Knowing how to define balance and recognizing what it actually means for you in your world is essential to being able to live a “balanced life”.  Next time, we’ll explore what to do once you’re clear on what balance means for you.  Until then, here’s an activity to do: create a collage that captures the essence of the life you’re creating. Make sure it speaks to who you are and how you want to be.  Try to make it as full, rich and detailed as possible, covering all aspects of your life:  personal, professional, relationships, hobbies, and even your physical environment.  Then post this visual reminder of your balanced life in a prominent place, as a reminder of what you’re creating and living each day.. Happy collaging!  Here’s to getting clear on how you want your life to be.