A New Way to be With Anger

Just the other day I had the experience of bearing witness to someone being really angry.  Their anger was written all over their face, and the words, tone and body language which they used to express themselves left the recipient of their anger cowering — that’s the best word to describe what I saw.  It was an exchange between two adults.  And in fairness, to the best of my knowledge, the anger was absolutely justified, nothing misplaced about it.  The question that arose for me, and the one that I’ve been sitting with since, is this:  what’s the best way to be with anger?  Both for myself when I’m angry, and for myself when someone’s angry with me.  Is there a way that anger can be used productively?

Those of you who know me, either personally or through my blog or newsletter, know that I’m a big advocate of honesty and of “messy conversations.”  I’m all for expressing what you’re feeling truthfully, allowing things to get uncomfortable, pushing through that discomfort and then coming out on the other side of the conversation richer for the experience.  That being said, there are a couple of things that need to be present before such a meaningful (albeit “icky”) exchange can happen.

First, there needs to be a trust and understanding between the parties involved that everyone wants the same ultimate outcome.  Perhaps its high-quality care for an aging parent, saving for a child’s education, or even simply open, honest communication at all times.  Whatever the desired outcome, on some level everyone involved must know that they’re on the same page, that they’re wanting the same thing, even as they come at it from different perspectives.

Second, there needs to be an acceptance that anger as an emotion is not bad. There needs to be an understanding that anger — when expressed constructively, with a view to resolving a situation (as opposed to simply venting) — can be extremely constructive, as opposed to filled with judgment and shame.  Anger can move people and motivate people to try options that they wouldn’t ordinarily try.  As an example, years ago, a local newspaper refused to print a story about life coaching during International Coaching Awareness Week.  I was so angry with what I experienced as their “close-mindedness” that I called the local television station to see if they would do a spot around coaching.  They did, and I made an amazing media contact.  What I know for sure is that I wouldn’t have contacted the television station in the first place had I not been angry with the newspaper to begin with.

Finally, all parties involved need to stay open and engaged in the discussion, particularly when it’s happening in an environment of anger.  When you are angry and simply yelling, spewing and possibly getting violent (an extreme example, but a real possibility) you are not open or engaged in discussion; you are simply venting.  And when you are doing the equivalent of going inward and shutting out the person expressing anger, you are also not engaged; you are simply waiting for the tirade to stop.  Being open and engaged in the discussion requires you to be aware of your feelings — anger, fear, frustration, whatever — and continually monitoring, expressing and listening so that you can move towards a mutually acceptable solution.  Tearing a strip off of someone, putting them in their place, demeaning and shaming them rarely (if ever) moves a situation forward constructively.

Understand, sometimes, you will need to vent.  You will inadvertently tear a strip off someone, shame them, or ridicule them.  You will get loud; you might even pound a pillow.  These things happen.  What I’m asking you to get — and what I’m realizing afresh — is that these expressions of anger aren’t what serve relationships.  So if in fact you’ve expressed your anger in this way, you must be prepared to invest time and energy in expressing it yet again, this time in a more constructive way, namely by engaging in a conversation or two with the the following three factors in place first:  basic trust and understanding of motive; a knowledge that anger is not a judgment or shame-based; an openness to stay engaged and moving forward.

Bottom-line:  anger can be a very constructive emotion.  It’s just time for us to find a new way to be with anger, a way that recognizes its power, and a way that’s rooted in respect overall.

As Human as the Next Person…

This blog post already feels like it’s going to be more of a rant than anything else.  Why?  Because I’m ticked off.  Heck, who am I kidding — I’m furious.  So angry that I can feel every muscle in my body as taut as a stretched elastic, it’s actually painful.  What’s the anger about?  Here’s the deal:  I am so frustrated with people seeming to be behind me, seemingly rooting for my success, when in actual fact what they’re doing is waiting for me to stumble and fall in one project or another so they can then tell me how stupid and idealistic I was to ever go after such an objective — whatever it might be.  Sometimes it’s about a specific project, sometimes it’s about just hte idea of being an entrepreneur.  Either way, these people seem to always be there, supposedly supportive, and then full of less-than-supportive or helpful comments when I really could use them.  Freakin’ irritating, it is.

I know in my heart-of-hearts that I need to release this.  It’s not good to hold on to anger in this way.  And yet, I also know that I’m as human as the next person — by which I mean, “anger” is allowed to be part of my human experience, no matter what others might try to tell me.  (Read as:  quit telling me not to feel angry, because I AM angry!!)

The question for me in this moment is this — instead of simply “releasing this anger”, how might I channel this anger so that it actually works for me?  I’ve actually had experiences of using my anger to achieve an objective.  It’s worked pretty well at times.  Right now, however, the anger itself feels like it’s clouding my sight lines — I can’t see what I might accomplish.

So then I go back to the idea of releasing the anger — letting it go so I can see clearer.  Maybe that’s the way to go.  And even that I can’t get my head around.

Bottom-line is this, and I think this is what I actually need to embrace for a bit:  Anger’s not bad.  What I do with it might be bad.  Right now I’m not going to hold it, release it, channel it or anything else.  Instead I’m just going to be with it.  Not let it control me into anything — just be with it, allowing it to have a voice, inform me as it were.  Then, I can actually see that then, I’ll probably know what to do.

Release Your Anger

Releasing anger can be an important factor in stress reduction; indeed holding on to anger has been linked to advanced aging.  Here are a couple of suggestions for letting anger go, constructively.  Let it out of your head by purging, writing your angry thoughts on paper and then throwing it out or shredding it.  Or, you can get vocal and scream it out — preferably into a pillow, or in a soundproof room.  Giving voice to your angry thoughts totally gets the negative association out of your system, and frees you up for more positive, creative endeavours.

Anger

How much anger are you currently holding?  How might you release it?  (Checkout our Stressbusters for one suggestion…)

Anger

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.  ~Gautama Buddha