‘Tis the Season To Be…Grumpy?

This was the phrase that my minister used to open her sermon in church yesterday. As everyone chuckled knowingly and politely, I found myself recalling several moments over the last couple of weeks when I’ve had opportunity to wonder about this very phenomenon. You see, for me, as a Christian, I’m very aware that this season – the Christmas season for me, that of Hannukah, or Diwali or Kwanza for others – is supposed to be one of peace, of joy, and of beauty. On an intrinsic, cellular level, I know that the intention of this time of year is often in direct contrast to what many experience. Why is that? Why are things so crazy-busy, driving many to the brink of breakdown, when the season itself is supposed to be about something completely different?

Let me confess something. Overall, I’m actually okay with the busy, hectic pace of the season. There’s something very vibrant, and alive about the whole thing. Yes, it can be draining, like anything else that you partake of in huge quantities. But it can also be invigorating, at least for me. Yes, I’m weird that way. The hustle and bustle is part of the experience that I savour. It’s busy. The malls are crowded and loud. I have to wait in lines – sometimes really long ones! – to make my purchases. But I’m okay with that. I always have been. There’s something about the energy of people that I just love (although admittedly, I am particularly grateful for the peace and tranquility that awaits me at home following a day of shopping).

Now, I get that not everyone enjoys the sort of frenetic pace that seems to go hand-in-hand with this season. But I have to wonder how much of the frenzy gets created by the unwillingness that many have to just be patient. What might be possible if, despite the busy-ness that abounds during the holidays – whether brought on by shopping, baking, wrapping, decorating or whatever else – every one of us could make a conscious decision to flow with things, to be kind and patient, to be at our best in the midst of it all? I’ll tell you what would be possible: a thoroughly enjoyable holiday.

You see, no matter who you are, what you celebrate, how you celebrate or with whom, what I know for sure is that when you can make the decision to breathe, to slow down, to savour and enjoy the experience – yes, even the mad holiday shopping experience – everything really does flow with ease. That line-up that’s 50 people deep? It passes much quicker when you can converse with the person in front of you, or do a bit of people watching. That parking space that seems so elusive at the mall? It somehow shows up when you just exhibit a bit of patience. Those crazy family-folk who drive you nuts because they’re just so not like you? Somehow you can find the humour in being with them – and the loving connection – when you determine that you will enjoy the holidays and all will be well. How do I know this? Because I’ve been there, done that and lived to tell the tale.

Bottom-line: ‘tis NOT the season to be grumpy. Unless you choose that. And if you do, my guess is it really won’t be all that fun. It really is the season to reach into your soul, clarify how you want to experience the holidays, and then determine to do just that. ‘Tis the season to create the magic, even when it seems like it’s nowhere to be found. You have the power. So engage it. Be deliberate about your holiday experience. And watch the frenzy turn into fun.

Is Time Beating You Up?

The holiday season is a busy one. Any way you slice it, no matter who you are, no matter what you celebrate, this time of year is jam-packed with things to do, places to go, people to see. I know this from my own experience as well as from witnessing the experience of others. There’s a way that to-do lists seem to grow of their own accord, and demands on both your time and energy seem to increase at an alarming rate. Sometimes, it really can feel that you’re being beaten up by time.

Well, here’s what I know for sure: it doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, this is a busy time of year. Yes, there are things to be done – and they seem like they need to be done NOW. However, none of these truths necessarily equate to time getting the better of you. Here are a few tips to help you make friends with time:

1. Limit your focus. At the beginning of each day (or at the end of the previous day) determine what your priorities will be for the stretch of time in front of you. Ideally, limit this list to no more than 5 items. That’s right; stick to 5 items on your to do list. Once this list is done, if you really need to, you can always add 5 more items.
2. Hold the question, “what really matters?” in the forefront of your mind. Knowing what really matters will ensure that you make the right choice and use your time wisely.
3. Chunk your time. Just like keeping your to-do list small, focus on small amounts or chunks of time in any one stretch. One hour segments are great. So, look at your to-do list, determine what you’ll work on, then set your timer and give yourself one hour to do so. At the end of that hour, re-evaluate. If you’re done early, great! If you need more time, determine if you’ll add more time now, or later.
4. Stop pushing yourself past fatigue. The whole “I’ll just finish this task and then I’ll take a break” idea won’t help in the long run. When you’re feeling tired, take a break, even if it’s only for 5 minutes.
5. When you’re done work for the day – whether that’s at 3 o’clock, 5 o’clock or 8 o’clock, be DONE. Turn off your computer and your smartphone and move on to another aspect of your life. This will ensure that every area of your to-do-list gets tackled, not just work things.
6. Build in buffer-time. Don’t over-schedule yourself. Leave at least 20% of your time unscheduled. By doing so, if projects run overtime or an emergency comes up, you won’t end up behind schedule.
7. When you’re working on a specific task, don’t be distracted by the phone, email or colleagues who just want to talk. Make yourself unavailable while you focus on the task at hand, then give your full attention to the phone, email or colleagues for a determined stretch of time (see #3 above).

Bottom-line: no matter who you are, this time of year can get overwhelmingly busy, pretty darn quick. In spite of this, you can make time your friend rather than your enemy. Using the simple strategies above can ensure that you get everything done that needs to be done, and that you’ll keep your sanity – and your health – while doing so. You’ll even be able to have some fun. So go on, make friends with time. You’ll be glad you did.

What Makes You Think You’re So Special?

This is a question I hear a lot of people ask of others. Heck, sometimes I hear people ask it of me. Often, there’s a sneering energy that accompanies the question, a taunt of sorts, the underlying suggestion always being that you are not as great as you think you are. And sometimes, the people on the receiving end of this question are deserving of the taunt; they’re holding themselves as better than others, placing themselves on a pedestal, thinking that nobody measures up to them.

Often, however, the person on the receiving end of the question isn’t the culprit that he or she is being portrayed to be. The culprit, instead, is the asker of the question. And the issue isn’t thinking too highly of one’s self, it’s not thinking highly enough. So rather than take a moment or two to discover their inner greatness, they’ll stand in their perceived “weakness” and endeavour to bring others down to that level. After all, it’s so much easier to stay stuck where you are, rather than rise up to where you want to be, right?

I bring this up in today’s article because one of the things I’ve learned over time is that there is a fine line between excessive pride and excessive humility. Neither of these perspectives will serve you very well, no matter who you are. When you hold yourself as greater than what you are, needing to learn nothing from others and always at the top of your game, you will eventually take yourself out of the game. After all, nobody wants to play with someone who’s arrogant and a know-it-all. On the flip side, if you place yourself on a “lesser playing field” of sorts, you’ll rarely be asked to join the game and, if you are asked, you won’t be able to play to your full potential. Why? Because others won’t necessarily put in the effort to find out what your potential is. Or, if they do invest the effort, they won’t do so for long; they’ll stop championing you forward the minute they realize that they’re more invested in your success than you are.

Part of your job as a human being is to discover, know and own your inner strengths. What are the particular gifts and talents that belong to you? What are you great at? Another part of your job as a human being is to balance this knowledge of your strengths, with knowledge of your weaknesses. Where can you use support? What is your Achilles heel? And once you know these two sides of you, you need to stand in what makes you great, while acknowledging where you need help. This is the essence of confidence.

No matter what your spiritual beliefs, one of the things I know for sure – and this is confirmed for me as I look around the world – is that each and every person on the planet has an innate set of gifts, strengths, and talents as well as areas that need some refinement. Everyone knows something; nobody knows everything. Your job is to truly stand in your greatness, knowing that there is greatness in you, and balance this with the knowledge that there are aspects of you that need some work.

Bottom-line: downplaying your greatness is just as much of a disservice to you as making yourself better than you are. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance; and there’s a fine line between humility and lack of self-esteem. In both cases, bring yourself right up to the line – and make sure you don’t cross over.

Can You See the Gold in Your Relationship?

So, here I am feeling the utmost peace and contentment. Fulfillment is actually the best word to describe my state of being. There’s a sense of peace, of joy, of curiousity, of wonder, and of absolute bliss. It’s like every fiber of my being knows that, no matter what may or may not happen, when it comes right down to it, all is right in my world.

I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly is bringing about this sense of “rightness” in this moment. Granted, it’s what I’m continually aiming for. But I’m still curious about the source in this moment. And while a few possibilities have come to mind, including adequate sleep, meeting deadlines, having implemented a regular yoga practice, and beautiful weather to name a few, these just don’t seem like they’re the determining factor. As I’ve been sitting here mulling this over, the answer has come to me. And it definitely feels a little strange to write about it so publicly. However, what I know for sure is that there is some rich learning here, not only for me, but for you as you read this. And so, let me share.

The reason things seem so right in this moment, is that I have had opportunity in the last few weeks to realize and really heighten my awareness of the blessing that is available to me in my lifelong relationship with my husband. 16 1/2 years ago, we were married; 22 years ago (almost 23) we met. Over that time we’ve been through a lot, we’ve enjoyed a lot, we’ve navigated some tricky moments. There have been great times, and there have been some really tough times. And through it all, he has been

a) Completely supportive of me, who I am, how I show up, and what I want to pursue in my life
b) Willing to hold me accountable to who I say I want to be and what I say I want to do
c) Open to sharing whatever burdens come to us as a family, and finding mutually acceptable solutions
d) Willing to entertain possibility, however that might look

Now, don’t get me wrong. The man’s not perfect. And neither am I. He’s got his flaws, and so do I. In fact, being aware of these imperfections, even as I recognize the blessing that goes beyond those, is the root of the serenity that I’m experiencing right now. There’s a way that each of us – my husband and I – have found a way to be with each other, imperfection and all. We’ve come to realize that the very imperfections that drive each of us nuts – and some of them definitely drive us nuts (consider incessant snoring for the one and continually leaving cupboard doors open for the other – you can guess who’s who) — are what make us paradoxically perfect. And this realization, combined with a willingness to accept it for what it is, is what brings about the sense of absolute fulfillment. Life can bring on its challenges, even when I don’t want them, because I am blessed to have someone in my life who loves me for who I am, who I love for who he is, and with whom I can dance through life’s journey no matter the tempo and style of music.

What I want you to know is this (and herein lies the learning to extrapolate): while I am talking about the blessing of this moment as it relates to my relationship with my husband, what I know for sure is that this sense of fulfillment – this type of relationship – does not have to be found within the parameters of a life-long partnership. You can find it with a parent, with a child, with a friend, with a colleague – but you must find it. There must be someone in your life that you love unconditionally – as sappy as that sounds – and who loves you back in the same way. Who is there in your life that you can fully accept for who they are, even when they drive you nuts? Who is there in your life that fully accepts you for who you are, even when you drive him or her nuts? Knowing who this person is, being aware of their presence in your life and acknowledging the anchor they provide is an experience like no other.

Bottom-line: there’s gold in at least one of your relationships. Making yourself aware of this gold will fill your life with peace. Why? Because it allows you to know that no matter what life hands you, you can handle it. Life is good. And all will always be well, however that looks. So, very publicly and loudly, let me declare my heartfelt thanks to Scott Barker – my husband – the man who ensures my life is a peaceful one, even when the world around is spinning like mad. You are rock-solid gold, and I am blessed to have you in my life!

Are You Present in the Here and Now?

“The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” While I don’t actually know who to attribute this quote to, I can’t deny that I like it. I like it a lot. Sure, it sounds a little Hallmark-ish, a little sappy, but there’s truth in it. I mean there is nothing that can be done about the past – it’s gone. And the future may or may not unfold as you imagine. But the here and now, the present – this is a powerful place to hang out.

Unfortunately, the world in which you find yourself is a very, very busy one. There are numerous expectations to be met and therefore plans must be made in order to ensure that nothing falls through the cracks. So the question that I often find myself holding is this: how do you stay fully present in this moment, even while you engage in whatever preparations are required for the future, no matter how distant?

I find this question particularly relevant at this time of year. It’s rather ironic, because in so many traditions the coming weeks are a time of “being patient”, of waiting, of celebrating the here and now. But in North America, recent holidays such as thanksgiving (in Canada), Halloween and Remembrance Day are barely over and already Christmas plans are well underway. I’m guilty of jumping on that bandwagon, I admit it. While I haven’t actually started Christmas shopping, I have contemplated lists, asked people for gift suggestions, scheduled some holiday get-togethers – and there’s still 6 weeks to go!

Having played with this question for a long time – many years, in fact – my sense is that the key to being fully present while planning for the future lies in creating space for both, and, allowing the present to be your primary focus. There’s something about taking the time and doing what you need to do to anchor yourself completely in this moment, so that when you make your plans for the future, you’re still here. It’s about holding your focus in the now, knowing that you’ll be able to do the same in the future, when the future becomes the present (and it will; just give it time).

I know it seems somewhat paradoxical. I mean how do you focus on this moment, when you’re making plans for the holiday party that’s happening in two weeks? Well, here are just a few strategies to help keep you anchored:

• Before starting a task, close your eyes and go inward. Focus on how your body feels right now.
• Root yourself; feel your feet firmly planted on the ground beneath you, and imagine a string travelling through your core, from the tip of your head, through the middle of your body, anchoring you to the present time and space.
• Quickly (but consciously and deliberately) inventory 5-10 things for which you are grateful right now, in this moment.
• Focus on your breath which, after all, is totally happening right now. Nothing brings you to the present moment quicker than this. Maintain your focus for 5 full breaths, filling your lungs completely, and exhaling fully.

Once you’ve engaged in any or all of these strategies, you’ll be able to feel yourself completely engaged in the present moment. You’re here, and nowhere else. And with this solid anchor, you can venture forth and make your plans, knowing that your anchor will do what it’s supposed to do, which is keep you in this space.

Bottom-line: right here, right now is where you’re meant to be. Yes, life is moving along at a somewhat alarming speed. There is much to be done. And, doing whatever needs to be done while keeping yourself fully grounded in the present experience will serve you far better than fast-forwarding through your life. Stay focused, stay grounded, stay present. Stay in the here and now.

What Others Think of You Doesn’t Matter; Until It Does

So here’s the thing; somewhere out there in the world is a quote, which has been attributed to many people in various forms, but here’s the one I came across most recently, and which I rather like: “The opinion that other people have of you is their problem, not yours” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Another variation is the ever-popular “what other people think of you is none of your business.”

When I first heard this quote – and I think it was the second variation that I initially experienced several years ago, perhaps even reading it in one of the many books that I’ve perused over the years – I know my heart resonated with it powerfully. There was such freedom and liberation in finally being told that the opinions held by others were not nearly as important as my own opinion of myself. I can totally get behind the wisdom of that, you know? That being said, I’ve come to believe that the quote needs to be presented with a cautionary caveat; because sometimes, the opinions of other people do matter. Here’s what I mean.

As an individual out there in the world who’s trying to do something, accomplish something, create something – whatever that “something” might be – your reputation is important. And when it comes right down to it, your reputation is nothing more or less than the sum total of what others think of you, the opinions they hold. If a majority of people hold a similar opinion, and that opinion flies in the face of how you’d like to be experienced, that could be problematic. Why? Because there will be a gap between who you say you are and how you say you want to be experienced, and what’s actually the prevailing experience of you. If you go around in the world believing that the opinions of others are irrelevant, then you run the risk of being like an ostrich with your head in the sand, unaware of the reputation you’ve got in the community or, perhaps more accurately, completely aware of your reputation but unaware of the effect of that on the work you’re striving to do. This lack of awareness can result in your desired impact being less than it could be. Is that what you want?

My personal sense is that the best way to be with the opinions of others is to truly know yourself inside out and backwards. Know what matters to you, what you’re striving to create, the impact you’re working to have. Once you know this, you can show up with the express purpose of bringing all of this to life. And, if or when it comes to your attention that somebody’s opinion of you is less than desirable, or when those opinions fly in the face of who you’re trying to be or how you say you’re trying to be, you can evaluate and determine how to move forward in a way that serves your vision.

Understand; I’m not for a moment suggesting that you need to take on the judgements of others, the insecurities of others, or even the opinions of others. Their opinions are in fact just those – their opinions. Knowing how those opinions line up or deviate from your own opinion of yourself, however, is important. When you can confidently articulate who you are and how you want to be experienced, you can address any deviations with the power of this confidence. You can question another’s opinion of you, without giving it validation. You can attempt to set the record straight, if it matters to you. And if it doesn’t, you can move on; but you’ll move on with integrity and wisdom, rather than with an attitude of “your problem, not mine.”

Bottom-line: pretending that the opinions of others are irrelevant to you is naïve. On the flip side, giving complete credence to the opinions of others is equally futile. No matter who you are or what you’re up to in the world, your job is to know who you are and what you’re about, know how you want to bring these pieces of you to life in the world and the impact you want to have, then pay attention to the feedback you get – often in the form of the opinions held by others and by extension, your reputation – and tweak as necessary. What others think of you does matter; it has to line up with who you are at your core. When your reputation matches your character, you’re definitely in the zone.

Can You Let It Go? Can You Give It Up?

Anyone who’s ever met me, or heard me speak, or read my ezine for some time likely knows that “surrender” is a big value of mine.  Like, BIG.  It’s something that I hold dear because I know, on a cellular level, even when my brain wants to disagree, that surrender is the ultimate key to success.  Which may sound bizarre, I know.

Surrender is one of those concepts that’s so misunderstood.  It’s often equated with giving up, abandoning.  But that’s not it at all.  Instead, surrender is about understanding that as a human being you actually can’t – you simply cannot – do all that you want to do.  You cannot have all that you want to have.  At least not on your own.

Historically, different people and groups have tried to point us in the direction of this truth by sharing religious beliefs, establishing rituals that are anchored in faith and trust.  But the surrender I’m talking about goes way beyond simple ritual and religion.  Surrender is about understanding that once you’ve done all that you’re capable of, once you’ve created a plan, worked a plan, implemented a plan and given it your all, there is still more to give.  And that more is given from outside of yourself.  So, you’ve got to let it go.  That’s right.  Let. It. Go.

Now, for some of you, this week’s article might seem just a little “out there” compared to the usual, practical, anchored material I send out.  I understand that.  And yet I also know that the reason it might seem “out there” is only because you haven’t yet allowed yourself to experience the power of such surrender.  I understand.  It’s not necessarily an easy thing to do.

Surrender in and of itself seems like an easy concept.  But in the context of living your life, of achieving your goals and dreams, of creating what you want for yourself, surrendering seems to fly in the face of taking responsibility, doesn’t it?  I mean, if you’re going to actively create your life on your terms, then don’t you have to keep at it – whatever ‘it’ is – until your objective is achieved?  Well, yes; and no.

Your job is absolutely, as aforesaid, to do all that you can.  And then, after you’ve done all that, after you’ve honestly done the best that you can and all that you can, you’ve got to let go of your attachment to your goal, understand that what you see or want to see is only part of the big picture and surrender the process over to the powers that be – whether you consider that to be God, the universe, your higher power or whatever.  There is a force outside of you that is activated once you do your part; your job is to do your part and then allow that force to do its part.  How do you do this?  Here are a few steps:

• Be clear on what you’re wanting.  Visualize, imagine what it is you’re heading for.
• Take action, as much as you can.  Be deliberate and focused.
• Allow for inspiration; don’t bury your head in the sand or be so blinded that you can’t see when a detour might be what’s needed.
• Set your timeline, then allow things to unfold.  Dance with time, knowing that while you might think something has to happen right here, right now, this way, there may be a bigger stage being set, for something even better.
• Remember that you can only see part of the picture and remind yourself that what you see isn’t all that there is.

Bottom-line:  when it comes to achieving your goals, sitting around and wishing is not enough.  Knowing what your goals are isn’t enough.  Being crystal clear about your vision isn’t enough.  And doing all that you can do and relying on your own self isn’t enough.  At some point, you’ve got to partner with the universe, surrender and allow.  Trust that your vision, is only a piece of what’s possible.  And open yourself up to the possibility that what shows up will be even better when all is said and done, than what you even imagined it could be.  This isn’t always easy to do.  And, the payoff is well worth it.

Who Are You Hiding?

Now, that’s a different sort of question isn’t it?  I mean, at first glance, you might think I’m talking about a fugitive, or that you’re involved in a hide-and-seek conspiracy with your children.  But that actually is not what I’m referring to at all.  Instead, I’m talking about you, yourself and you.

You see, I recently had the opportunity to connect with a colleague of mine as she is to be a guest on my radio show this week.  So, we got together to discuss the topic and content.  The show is going to be all about “the masks we wear”, which is always a fun thing to look at.  And as I’ve sat with this, my sense is that there’s merit in planting seeds around this topic right now.  Then, when you listen to the radio show, you’ll have already had some time to think about the issue at hand.  And, if you don’t get to listen in, you’ll still be privy to some of the broader concepts at least, and have gotten the mental conversation going.

One of the things I know for sure is that you are so much more than what you choose to portray to the world.   How do I know this?  Because I know that I too am so much more than what people experience and perceive.  There’s only so much I allow others to see.  And this way of operating in the world is a function of what we’re taught is acceptable in social situations.  Not convinced?  Think about the following questions:

• Do you allow yourself to get “emotional” at work?
• Do you have a tattoo?  Is it obviously visible or somewhat hidden?
• How many people in your life – out of all the people you know – have seen you get really, truly, rip-roaring mad?
• Who in your professional circle has experienced you having a belly laugh?  Like a laughing-so-hard-you-spew-whatever’s-in-your-mouth-through-your-nose kind of laugh?
• How many times have you kept quiet during an uncomfortable conversation?  What stopped you from talking?

There are a myriad of other questions that could be asked here; the essence of what I’m asking you to consider is the fact that there are aspects of you that you simply do not allow others to see.  There are aspects of you that you actually don’t allow yourself to know.  And the cost of this, is that there is a way that you deny yourself the opportunity to experience – or at least to be aware of – all that you’re capable of.  Why is that?

Well, as aforesaid, to a certain degree this is attributable to what we’re taught.  Big boys don’t cry; anger hurts; laughing too loud is silly; professionals are reserved.  You get the point.  And while these might be accepted as social conventions, they are in fact just that and nothing more.  These conventions are not necessarily (if at all) inherently valid.  This ultimately means that, to some degree anyway, you’re not being as authentic as you could be.

So, here’s a question to consider:  what’s missing in your life right now?  Having answered this, here’s another question:  what would become possible for you – how might this missing experience show up – if you were to start stretching into being all that you are, rather than just some of you?  What if you could show the world your angry side?  What if you could cry when you felt the need, and not just behind closed doors?  What if you could speak when you felt called to speak?

I happen to know first-hand that there is a way that the world and all its myriad of possibilities becomes illuminated in direct proportion to the courage you show in being fully and completely authentic.  Yes, there are social conventions to consider.  And at the same time, there’s a way to be with social convention that still allows you to be all that you are.  At the very least, you can speak to all of who you are.  So when an irritating colleague speaks rudely in the next staff meeting, and you feel yourself getting angry, say that – “I am getting angry.”  Don’t work to hide it; own it.  Same for when you’re at work and receive the news that a loved one has died; don’t try to bottle up your sadness, allow it to be there.  In other words, allow the world at large to experience you even in your vulnerability.   There’s truth there, and it creates space for more truth.  Which is a good thing.

Bottom-line:  hiding aspects of who you are, whether from others or yourself, equates to living a lie.  Lies always stifle opportunity, or at the very least, deny the establishment of a solid foundation upon which to build opportunity.  Relationships, projects, everyday tasks all require you to be as authentic as you can.  Knowing who you are and how you want to be experienced is great; go ahead and work to create that image in the world.  And at the same time, always know that you are so much more than that image.  So go on out there and be ALL of you.

Are You Getting Enough?

I know; you have no idea what I’m referring to in this article’s title, do you?  I’m not really trying to be coy, I just couldn’t think of any other way to speak to a learning which I had this week.  As so often happens for me, the actual information wasn’t new.  But the concrete experience was like none I had ever had before.  Let me explain.  Obviously, I’ve had an epiphany of sorts over the last week.  Something that allowed me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what was missing before, and what I’m slowly but surely getting enough of now.  And, I know that if you allow yourself the opportunity to get enough of this thing, you’re life will be easier all around.  Want to know what it is?  It’s unscheduled time.

Think about it.  Take a look at a typical week in your life.  How much of it is “unscheduled time?”  My guess is that there’s not very much “open space” in your calendar, daytimer, blackberry – whatever it is you use to keep yourself organized and your time accounted for.  Between personal appointments, children’s activities, work meetings, projects and tasks you’re probably scheduled to the max.  And that’s not including time to eat, bathe, sleep and tend to other basic essentials.  Let’s face it; you’re a pretty scheduled person.  I know what that’s like; my schedule can look the same way most weeks.

Last week, however, I had the opportunity to take back some time.  This was possible in part because of a couple of appointment cancellations.  Ordinarily what I would have done in that circumstance is fill the suddenly opened time with other tasks; goodness knows there’s always something to do.  But last week, I chose to let the time and space be open.  I could feel a cold coming on and, given the time that was suddenly available to me, I chose to just be.  No writing, no talking, no reading, no nothing – just being.  Letting my mind wander, I was amazed to experience a degree of grounding like I hadn’t felt in a long time.  And I confirmed for myself something I’ve known intrinsically for a while:  as human beings, it really does serve us to just “be”.

I know, this can be hard to do.  But that’s the point.  You don’t have to “do” anything – just “be”.  For a while.  It doesn’t have to be for long, it just has to be for a time.  A small amount of time can revitalize you in a big way.  Giving yourself time to go for a mental walk of sorts – which is what I’m really talking about when I say “just be” – fills your life with clarity like nothing else can.

For me, this is taking the 80/20 rule of time management one step further.  If you’re not familiar with it, the 80/20 rule advises that you schedule 80% of your time, allowing 20% to be unscheduled so that when things take longer than anticipated (which they inevitably will) or when crises arise (which does happen from time to time) you won’t fall behind or become overwhelmed.  My suggestion to you is, in addition to allowing for buffer time in this way, you also allow for “being time” – wide open space in which nothing is scheduled and nothing gets scheduled, which allows for you to just be.

Bottom-line, just like you need sufficient doses of various vitamins to function properly, you also need sufficient amounts of unscheduled time.  This is time for you to just be free – not in front of the tv or cuddled up with a book, but rather time to be free of any and all tasks and agendas, allowing your mind to wander and your brain to slow down a bit.  As a chronic thinker, I know this can be challenging.  And at the same time, what I know for sure is that there’s a reason you’re called a human BEING as opposed to a human  DOING – time to BE is far more important to your life than time to DO.  So create some time to BE and watch your life improve.

Are You Taking Care of Your Relationships?

I have had the opportunity in recent weeks to notice the busy-ness of the world in which we live.  Part of this is a simple reflection of where I am at myself right now.  My business is growing and building (which is a great thing).  My children are growing and expanding their social worlds (which naturally contributes to the busy-ness of my life as a parent).  And I’m slowly expanding the range of activities that I’m involved in, beyond simple income-generation, exploring and dipping my toes in various pools of volunteer work as a means of “giving back.”

As I’ve enjoyed this experience of growth, one of the things I’ve been very conscious and deliberate about, particularly over the last six months, is how I establish, build and maintain relationships.  Everyone has relationships in their life.  You may have a lot, you may have a few and either way, it’s not the number of relationships that you have which is important, it’s how you nurture them that matters.

One thing I know for sure is that my ability to build my business is directly dependent on my ability to build and maintain strong relationships, relationships in which people know, like and trust me.  In order for this to happen, I have got to make time for ALL of these relationships in some way, shape or form.  I’ve had opportunity to watch some of my colleagues recently.  I see how they continually cancel some of their appointments — those with other colleagues, friends, family or even themselves –  in order to serve their clients.  And on the one hand, I totally understand.  After all, these client relationships are what bring in the income, allowing you to stay in business.  I get it.  And yet, at some point, you will need something from those other relationships in your life.  Now, you could rely on the goodwill of these folks to meet your needs.  My guess, however, is that goodwill only goes so far.

If you continually put the needs of one relationship demographic ahead of others, things will go awry.  You have got to find a way to nurture all of your relationships, in a balanced way.  I know, your family and friends are forgiving, they understand that you’re busy.  So do your colleagues; after all, they’re likely in the same boat!  And at the same time, these folks need you to make an appearance at some point.  Not just a cursory facebook update, or a token “here I am for dinner today but I’m going to jump whenever my blackberry dings”, but a real, genuine, “I am fully present and engaged in our relationship” appearance.  It doesn’t have to happen often; and it does have to happen.

Now, you’ve got to play with this a bit.  Some relationships really do only need a good “catch-up” once a year or so.  I know; I’ve got these relationships in my life.  These are the relationships that have something really powerful at their core, the relationships that can withstand the distance of time and space and, are not contingent on daily interaction.  Other relationships need more frequent, REAL interactions – by phone, by mail, in-person – in order to maintain their power.   How much interaction is needed is not a reflection of how good or bad the relationship is; it’s simply a reflection of the difference in how the relationship is built.  Your job is to know the difference and nurture accordingly.

Bottom-line:  relationships matter.  No matter how busy you are, or how successful you are, your willingness to nurture the relationships in your life and not take them for granted says a lot about who you are and what you value.  If you value your success, you will take care of your relationships – all of your relationships.  You’ll make time for your colleagues, your clients, your family, your friends and yourself.  And if you don’t take care of your relationships, you can say goodbye to your success.  So, how will you nurture your relationships this week?