How Much Space Can You Create?

We’re almost at the 1/2-way point of the year, and I trust that you’ve been having fun with using the tools offered over the past 5 months to re-write the story of your life.  My intention has been to provide you with ideas for shifting your mental stories into scripts that are more empowering and liberating, with a view to really embracing and living life on your terms.  While still holding this intention, I want to focus this month’s article on what I’d like to call “Creating Space for All”. One of the words that is used a lot in everyday conversation is the word “but”.  Usually, it’s considered to be a pretty benign word, or at least that’s my impression given the way in which it’s carelessly bandied about.  I mean it’s a fairly small word, seemingly innocuous enough.  I think, grammatically-speaking, it would be a conjunction, although I’m not really sure of that, so don’t quote me.  All this being said, what I want you to think about for a moment is the inherent meaning of the word “but”.  When you use this word. what are you actually saying? Let’s consider the word in context, to make it a little easier.  Here are three examples to ponder: That’s a great outfit, but it’s not okay to wear it to the mall. I would love to go to the mall, but I’m busy right now. I love you, but I’m really angry with your choice to stay out. When you read the above sentences, what’s the impact you notice of the word “but”?  What is the meaning that it effectively creates?  I assert that it acts as a “negator” of sorts — it negates the veracity, however subtlely – of the phrase that precedes it, so that the second part of the sentence becomes what’s important.  So, in the first example, the fact that “it’s a great outfit” doesn’t really matter; what matters is that “it’s not okay to wear it to the mall”. Do you see what I mean?  Can you hear the energetic implication that happens in the sentence? Now, what I want to invite you to do is replace the word “but” in the above examples with the word “and”.  In this case, the second sentence would now read, “I would love to go to the mall, and I’m busy right now.”  What shifts when you replace the word “but” with “and”?  I’ll bet you can hear that both phrases now seem to stand on an equal footing.  When you use the word “and”, the first phrase, “I would love to go to the mall” has as much validity and truth as “I’m busy right now.” Now, why is this important?  Because, if you’re wanting to change the story of your life to one that is more possibility-filled, part of what you need to do is start creating space for more things to be true at the same time.  Rather than using language which can only hold a few things as true at a given time, it becomes important to play with language that allows for more.  Rather than living in a world of either/or, you can now dance in a world of both/and. Really, this is about inclusion.  When you minimize your use of the word “but” and start incorporating “and” more, you set a stage where a variety of options can be held and entertained at the same time.  There’s room, all of a sudden, for differing perspectives to be equally valid, whether you agree with all of them or not.  In a way, this is about allowing more of everything to be possible in the story of your life. Bottom-line:  if you’re wanting to live a story-line that is MORE, it behooves you to start using language that allows for more.  Minimizing your use of “but”, “either” and “or”, and replacing these with “both/and” affords you the opportunity to entertain more options.  And in the end, when you can increase your number of options, you can truly be at choice in your life.  Remember: having only two options isn’t really a choice; it’s a dilemma.  Are you ready to create more space in your life?

Have You Figured Out Your Reality – Are You Sure?

“The reality is…”  Years ago, when I was first engaged in my training to be a professional life coach, I learned in a pretty dramatic way how the use of this simple and fairly pervasive statement was a sure-fire way to keep me from creating life as I actually want it.  The phrase itself is brilliantly seductive; I mean, who wants to argue with reality?  Well, in the interest of serving what I believe to be my purpose, I’m going to give it a valiant effort. How often do you find yourself using the phrase, “The reality is…”?  And what’s it generally in reference to?  My guess is that, whenever you start to talk about what the reality is in your life, you’re trying to convince yourself or someone around you about why you cannot do something.  Let me give you an example: “I know you’d like to play basketball, but the reality is you’re only 5 feet tall — that’s just not tall enough.” If you look at this statement, I’m sure you can hear the energy of holding someone from the thing they really want, because “reality” can’t allow for it to be true.  But here’s the thing — facts and reality are two different things. There are the facts as they exist, and then there’s reality as it gets created. When one starts to present reality (the created product) as fact — which may or may not be the same — we get the circumstance which requires us to “separate interpretations”, to use a coaching phrase.  Let’s look more closely at the example above: So, we’ve got two facts — a desire to play basketball, and a definitive height.  Two separate facts.  And while it’s generally true that height is an advantage in basketball — many players I see are definitely tall by anyone’s standards — the fact of being only 5 feet tall does NOT mean that one is automatically unable to play basketball.  In fact, I know plenty of short people who play basketball quite well. So the reality isn’t so much that this person can’t play basketball, but that they are 5 feet tall — that’s the reality.  Can you hear the difference between how facts and reality get presented? So let me ask you, what’s the “reality” that you’re hiding behind?  What “reality” are you allowing to keep you from the life you want?  Understand, I am not asking you to deny facts as they exist.  You may well have a real health condition, a financial circumstance, or a family context that seems to run counter to the dreams you’re holding.  But seeming and being aren’t necessarily the same thing.  That’s what I’m really wanting you to get this month. You actually get to create you’re reality; so are you creating one that serves you or one that holds you back?  And how attached are you to staying held back?  Because here’s the kicker:  when it’s reality that’s holding you back, there’s no point in fighting for what you want, right?  This, my friends, is the reason you so often create a reality that goes against what you want — you get to abdicate responsibility for creating life on your terms when reality is working against you.  What I’m asking you to consider is that the “reality” you’ve created may not be entirely right.  There may actually be another reality that can get created out of the facts of your life. Bottom-line:  you get to create your own reality, every moment of every day.  In light of this, I assert that you are best-served by creating a reality that supports your vision for your life rather than one which has you up against a wall.  So, what reality will you create out of the facts of your life?

How Is Knowing Your Limits Limiting You?

I’ll bet the title question has you just a little stumped.  Maybe perplexed.  And maybe not.  Regardless, the idea of limits is what we’re going to explore in this month’s issue of LAUNCH.  More specifically, we’re going to look at limits in the context of how you create your life.  Before we go there, let’s recap:  so far in the “new year, new story” series we’ve talked about using the phrase “the end” as a tool to stop the repetitious old story that tends to cycle through your brain when you’re going through life unconscious of your thoughts; then we talked about the importance of being strategic in your use of the word “should” – using it as minimally as possible, thereby ensuring that you rid yourself of any unnecessary burden.  And finally, we explored the issue of personal responsibility, particularly as it relates to the somewhat nebulous quality of feelings.  Having done all that, and before we go any further, I want to invite you to pause for a moment and notice what’s different in your life now?  Three months into this new story of your life, what changes are you noticing in the way you interact with the world?  What are you finding easy?  And what remains a challenge?  Just notice, take stock, and then move on.  There’s definitely more to explore.  So let’s begin.

One of the things that is important when you set about to create the life that you want for yourself, life on your terms, is for you to know your capabilities, your passions, your talents, and your limits.  Sounds like a lot when put this way, but really it’s about knowing what your strengths are so that you can “leverage your best and ditch the rest.”  Indeed, you’re most effective in the creation of anything — but particularly in the creation of life on your terms — when you know where your particular assets lie.  Here’s the kicker though:  while knowing your strengths can serve you well, being aware of your limits can actually hold you back.  Why?  Because you start to create a story that is filled with limitations.  Phrases like “I don’t do…”, “I can’t do…”, “That’s just not my thing”, “I’m not into…” actually form boxes in which you start to live.  In my experience the actual fact, however, is that while you may not like certain things, while you may prefer a specific way of being, if pushed to the wire you actually COULD do a lot of what you tell yourself is impossible.

So what?  So this:  rather than thinking about your “limits” in terms of “can’ts” and “won’ts” (“I can’t do”, “I won’t do”), you are truly better served by thinking along the lines of “I could do, and I’d rather not”, or “I don’t like to do, but I could if I tried”, and similar phrases.  My personal belief is that anyone is capable of most things when presented with the right set of circumstances.  Let me give you some examples:  I consider myself a fairly non-techy person; computer lingo often baffles me, and I’d really rather not engage in tech-related projects.  That being said, I now have a bi-weekly podcast, which requires me to use techy gadgets.  Granted, I have a fabulous producer who does most of the background work in terms of making the series available to subscribers, but one of my stories until recently was “I don’t do tech-stuff”.  Clearly, while I may not like it, I can in fact do it!  Here’s another one: I’ve always considered myself to be lacking in natural physical strength — never really been on a sports team in my youth, walking was fine as long as it was warm and sunny and I could walk slowly, and coordination was noticeably sub-par, at least compared to those “natural athletes” in my world.  So the story I created was that “I don’t do physical activity.”  Well that’s a real crock — because I do go to the gym, I do lift weights (albeit reluctanctly) and I am capable of physical exertion, to the point that I’ve started training to run a marathon next year.  Once again, my story that I’m not capable of athleticism was stopping me from exploring my range of options.  Is athletic ability a natural strength of mine?  I don’t think so.  But does it mean that I can’t access it at all?  Nope.  It’s actually there, and I CAN access it, if I really want to.

So, what do YOU really want?  And what’s it going to take for you to step outside the perceived limits you’ve set for yourself and expand your range?  Because that’s what this is really about:  giving yourself permission to play with a full range of capabilities, skills, and options.  It’s about playing outside the box and stretching your comfort zone, making “I can do anything” (or at least, “I can do most anything”) your default statement, and then choosing what you will do without limitation.

Bottom-line:  while you may have a preferred set of strengths, skills and aptitudes that you like to use, while you may have passions that light you up more than others, having these doesn’t necessarily preclude you from BEING ABLE to do other things.  You may not choose to do other things — and you’re still capable of them.  Anyone is capbable of anything under the right circumstances.  Know your limits, and don’t let them limit you.  Instead, get comfortable with your full range of potential, and live into that.

Excuse Me…Who Made You What?

So, now we’re into the third part of this “new year, new story” series.  So far we’ve talked about using the phrase “the end” as a tool to stop the repetitious old story that tends to cycle through your brain when you’re going through life unconscious of your thoughts; I trust that you’ve been having some fun with this phrase and kicking old paradigms to the curb.  Last month, we talked about the importance of being strategic in your use of the word “should” – more specifically, using it as minimally as possible, thereby ensuring that you rid yourself of any unnecessary burden.  So what’s on the agenda for this month?  Personal responsibility, that’s what.

I want to begin by giving you an exercise.  You can either do the exercise first and then come back and read the rest of this article, or you can keep reading and then do the exercise.  Either way will serve you, I promise — it’s just a personal preference thing, I guess.  Here’s the deal:  give yourself a good chunk of time – at least an hour, preferably 2-3, and if you can keep this idea in the back of your brain for even longer than that, even better.  For whatever length of time you choose, notice the number of times you speak or think some version of “_______ made me _______”.  I think you’ll be surprised to find phrases of this sort relatively common in everyday conversation.  “My child made me so angry”. “Those tv commercials make me really sad”.  “Cartoons make me laugh”.  In and of themselves these statements (or at least statements like these) seem harmless enough, and indeed may even feel accurate.  Notice that I say they FEEL accurate.  And the reason I use the word “feel” in this context is because I want to draw the distinction between the feeling of something and the veracity of it.  What the heck does that mean?  Simply this:  just because something feels true, doesn’t mean that it absolutely is true.  It may be; and it may not.  In other words, I want you to give your statements more conscious thought.

As a human being you actually have much more responsibility over what you feel and your corresponding responses than you generally give yourself credit for.  While you may be having difficulty believing me, trust me – it’s absolutely true.  It’s one of the reasons two different people can experience the exact same scenario and have different responses.  Feelings can certainly seem to come over you in an uncontrollable wave — I know, I feel them a lot!  That being said, you can use the power of your mind to determine if the feeling you’re experiencing in any moment is one you want to hold on to, or one you want to let go, and perhaps more importantly, how you’re going to express or channel that feeling, what action you’re going to take.

Before we go any further let me be clear that I am not in any way disputing the validity of your full range of emotions and reactions.  What I’m doing instead is pointing out to you that you have more power over your emotions and “reactions” than you’re likely giving yourself credit for.  And what’s wrong with that?  Well, yet again, refusal to recognize your own creative power sets you up to live by default – to be a marble in a supposed pinball game of life rather than a person who can more consciously choose how you respond to whatever stimulus you encounter.  So, what is it that I’m inviting you to do?  Quite simply – from a vocabulary-tweaking standpoint – ditch the words “make me” from any of the above statements or those like it.  Instead, choose vocabulary that is more active in nature.  It’s about taking ownership and responsibility.   For example, “I get angry when my child ignores me” versus “My child makes me angry when she ignores me”.   The former makes it clear that you are responsible and affords you as a person much more creative power – design influence as it were – over your life than you experience with the latter statement.  And that is an important ability if you are in fact going to recreate the story of your life.

Now let’s take this a step further, beyond the feeling aspect and into the action componenet.  Often-times, we link specific actions to particular feelings and emotions.  For example, when you’re angry you might yell, or you might cry when you’re sad, or you might be silent when you’re fearful.  Over time, these actions can become patterned — what you engage in by default — and statements such as “Carla made me yell”, or “whenever I’m with William, he makes me laugh” flow out of you without thought.  Here’s the deal folks:  the people and situations you’re referring to aren’t making you do a darn thing.  You really are choosing them, albeit by habit or default.  In an effort to change your story, then, it behooves you to become more aware of the patterns you’ve set up and be more deliberate.  Feeling angry?  Great!  How might you express it without yelling?  Going to spend time with the in-laws?  Awesome — how can you consciously choose the way in which you be with them, and have a different interaction?  I guess the best way to make my point is to say this:  just because something’s always been a certain way, doesn’t mean that there isn’t another way for it to be.  The question becomes, how willing are you to find another way?  And how willing are you to reclaim your creative ability and consciously choose your emotions and corresponding responses, regardless of the circumstances?  How willing are you to take responsibility for all aspects of your life, including feelings and corresponding actions?

Bottom-line:  nobody, no thing, no situation can “make you” feel, do or experience anything.  Your reaction to something is always YOUR REACTION — and it’s about you, its not about the circumstance.  Get your head around this, reclaim your own ability to live life consciously and the story of your life will in fact be written by you, and not by those around you.  It’s time for you to be responsible for your life, in every way, shape and form.

From Should to Could to Will

Life Balance Part 2

How Do I Create My Life to Feel More Balanced?

In the last issue of Women of Today, I addressed the topic of defining life balance.  For those who didn’t get a chance to read it, the critical points were these:

• A balanced life looks different for different people
• Balance is a direction, it’s not a destination
• A “balanced life” does not mean a “perfect” or “stress-free” life

By way of recapping and bringing you up to speed, I invite you to take a few moments and get clear on what YOUR balanced life would look like.  How would your life be different than what it currently is?

Having gained some clarity on what your balanced life would look like, it’s now time to shift this picture of your life into the reality of your life. Often people balk at this point; it’s one thing to imagine a life that feels more balanced, to talk about it and dream about it.  It feels like a whole other ball game, however, to actually create it.  Why?  Because creating a new life for yourself means leaving the life you know behind.  This may seem obvious, but beyond the simplicity of the statement is also the fear that it carries; change can feel scary. Let me assure you, however, that change doesn’t have to be scary, and that you absolutely can start living the life of your by following some simple steps.

Step One: Know what’s important to you.  It amazes me how so many people struggle to articulate what they really value in life.  Often, people are able to share the ideals that they were taught to value.  My question, however, is what do YOU value?  Your answer might be the same as what you were taught; and it might not.  The key to figuring this out is to detach yourself from any fear of judgment that you might have.  People are often afraid to share what they value, because they’re afraid that someone will mock them, belittle them, tell them they’re wrong.  The fact, however, is that values are not morals.  Rather, they are what’s important to you intrinsically.  What has you feel totally jazzed and alive?  These are the things you value, and the values held by one person may be totally contrary to another.  Some examples of values might be honesty, wealth, connecting with others, solitude, or spontaneity, to name a few.  So, grab a piece of paper and start listing the values that you hold dear.

Step Two: Recognize that you always have a choice.  Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes imperative that you understand that you always have choices in your life.  To take this a step further, there is a distinction between FEELING like you don’t have a choice, and the actual REALITY of not having a choice.  You see, the former situation might happen a lot – you may feel the conflicting pull of other people’s values that leaves you feeling like you don’t have a choice.  But the latter situation – the REALITY of not having a choice, does not exist.  That’s right, you always have a choice.  Your choices might be hard ones; but they’re still choices.  It’s important to understand this, because once you recognize that you have the opportunity to make choices in every moment of every day, you can start to make the choices that align with what you value.  It’s about being empowered enough to make your choices consciously, rather than simply moving through life in default mode.

Step Three: Find a new, empowering perspective.  I often reframe this step as “separating facts from reality”.  What people often don’t realize is that facts can be taken and put together to create different realities.  Take the case of Jennifer and Wanda:  both women have $500 in the bank, and $400 in monthly expenses.  Jennifer looks at these facts and says, “Hmmm…only $100 left over; I guess I’ll skip the movie this month and just stay home and clean.”  Wanda, on the other hand, says “Wow!  $100 left over this month; I’m going out to join my friends for a fun girl’s night out!”.  Do you see how they’re creating different realities from the same basic facts?  I get that this is a fairly simplistic example; yet the core truth is profound.  Each of us makes choices based on a certain perspective that we hold, which we call our reality.   What’s your reality?  How’s it serving you?  How might you reframe it to be a more powerful, well-serving alternative?

By putting these three steps into practice on a regular basis, you will soon experience the liberating feeling of living life on your terms.  And this is, ultimately, what a life of balance is all about.  You will know what you want in your life, be able to choose those things moment to moment, and you will look at your life in a way that allows you to see the possibilities.  So a balanced life really is within your reach if you truly want it.  The question to ask is:  how badly do you want it?  Find the answer to this question and you’ll be well on your way towards experiencing the ever-elusive state of balance.

Life Balance Part 1

What Exactly Is “A Balanced Life”?

One of the biggest challenges that many of my clients bring to their coaching sessions revolves around achieving life balance.  This is not surprising when you consider that we live in a world where there is so much going on, so many choices to make, and a myriad of demands on our time.  Given the fast-paced nature of the world in which we live, how exactly does one achieve the ever-coveted state of “balance”?

The critical first step is to define what life balance actually is.  As much as the phrase is a popular one, I’m willing to be that you aren’t able to clearly articulate its meaning.  The reason for this is quite simple:  balance looks different to each person.  What looks like a balanced, manageable day for your best friend may look like complete chaos to you.  So, it is essential that you get clear on what balance looks like for you.  Ask yourself:  what would be present in my life if things were more balanced?  What would I be doing?  How would I be feeling?  Once you know the answers to these questions, then you’ve got a solid sense of what you’re aiming for.  You’ve got a direction in which to head.

Which bring us to the second aspect of the definition.  People often assume that “balance” is a state of being, a destination.  The fact, however, is that it is not a destination but rather a direction.  In every moment of every day you are presented with choices.  The choices you make are either moving you in the direction of balance, or away from it.  It behooves you to remember this because if you labour under the illusion that balance is a state of being then you can fail to recognize it when you actually have it.  So, say it with me, and repeat it often:  BALANCE IS A DIRECTION; IT’S NOT A DESTINATION.

The final piece of the definition is to remember that “balanced” does not equate to stress-free or perfect.  Life, being what it is, will always have its ups and downs.  When you are making choices that move you towards balance, however, the up-and-down moments don’t knock you off course; you simply move with them and take them in stride.  Think about roller-coaster rides.  There are some roller-coasters that send you to the place of complete nausea; you exit the ride and head for the nearest garbage can or washroom as quickly as possible.  There are other roller-coasters, however, that leave you feeling absolutely exhilarated.  There’s a thrill to the ride, even with its ups and downs.  You know you can go back for more, and handle it just fine.  In the same way, when your life choices are in line with what you want, and you’re moving towards balance more often than not, life’s ups and downs are just part of the journey.

Knowing how to define balance and recognizing what it actually means for you in your world is essential to being able to live a “balanced life”.  Next time, we’ll explore what to do once you’re clear on what balance means for you.  Until then, here’s an activity to do: create a collage that captures the essence of the life you’re creating. Make sure it speaks to who you are and how you want to be.  Try to make it as full, rich and detailed as possible, covering all aspects of your life:  personal, professional, relationships, hobbies, and even your physical environment.  Then post this visual reminder of your balanced life in a prominent place, as a reminder of what you’re creating and living each day.. Happy collaging!  Here’s to getting clear on how you want your life to be.

It is Almost Holiday Time: Can you Handle It?

The holidays are quickly approaching.  Whether your celebration revolves around Christmas, Hannukah, Diwali or something else altogether, the time that is bookended by Halloween and New Year’s always seems to be filled with a hustle-and-bustle of activity.  There are parties to plan for, gifts to purchase, cards to be mailed, baking and cooking to be undertaken – the to-do list seems to grow exponentially.  Simultaneously, the feeling of overwhelm seems to swell.

So, how does one get through the holidays without feeling burnt-out by the end of it all?  Believe it or not, there is a way.  It’s called “playing a different game”.  That’s right.  It’s time to rewrite the holiday rules so that you can move through the festivities without losing your sense of perspective, your experience of joy, and the “happy” in “happy holidays”.  To help you out, here are 5 tried-and-true steps to follow:

1.    Ask yourself, what is it that you want to EXPERIENCE?
So often we focus on the trappings – the gifts, the food, the decorations – that we forget what we really want to feel.  Maybe it’s “meaning”, or “memories”, or “fun”.  Whatever it is, find the word that resonates for YOU.

2.    Brainstorm ways to infuse the holidays with the particular quality that’s
important to you.  For example, if you want your holidays to be about “memories”, plan activities to support this.  Perhaps you provide a disposable camera and mini-scrapbook for everyone.  Or maybe you come up with a theme for this year so that forever after, 2007 is known as the Christmas of _________.  Get creative; after all, this is about rewriting the rules!

3.    Lose the sense of guilt.  “They’ll expect a big gift”, “But I have to spend a certain amount”, “They won’t like a homemade card”, are all examples of the external expectations which we take on internally.  It’s time to let these go.  Remember, if you want the holidays to provide a certain experience for you, then it’s up to you to set the parameters that will allow such an experience to be real.

4.    Get comfortable with being different.   This may be a challenging idea, but in many ways, it is the key.  Stop trying to be like everyone else.  Make the holidays unique and representative of you, so that you’re not trying to be the square peg fitting into a round hole.

5.    Find a structure to help you remember the essence of what you’re going for.  Perhaps you wear a treasured piece of jewelry as a reminder of the memories you want to create.  Or maybe a pair of reindeer antlers becomes your token accessory as you strive to infuse the holidays with fun.

Bottom-line:  identifying how you want the holidays to be is the first step to experiencing a truly happy holiday.  Once you know what you want to experience, then you can choose the activities that will help you live that out. Trust me – the holidays aren’t meant to be a time of stress.  My wish for you is that you feel able to wish everyone a “happy holiday” and mean it.  Have fun rewriting your holiday rules.  May your holiday experience be exactly what you’re looking for.  Wishing you a joyful, meaningful, fun-filled holiday time – and yes, I absolutely mean it ? !