Can You Work With An Apology?
This week I’ve been giving some thought to apologies. Over the years I, like you and every other person on the planet, have had the opportunity to be on both the giving and receiving end of apology exchanges. I know this isn’t uncommon. In western society in particular, apologies are fairly regular occurrences: apologies for bumping into someone, apologies for misspeaking or interrupting, apologies for being late, apologies for being early – you name it, depending on your perspective, you can probably find a reason to apologize. Personally, I think that apologies are often over-used, thereby diminishing the power and sincerity that’s necessary to make the apology meaningful.
All that being said, however, the thing that I’m most curious about – the thing that I’ve been curious about for a very long time now – is how we as individuals receive apologies. Think about it. What’s the usual response you give when someone apologizes to you for something? I’ll give you a minute to consider this. If you’re honest, I’m willing to bet that you generally say some version of “It’s okay” or “Don’t worry about it” if you’re desiring to be gracious; or if you’re really ticked off or hurt, you may respond with some version of “Yeah, okay” or “whatever”. My sense is that, anyway you slice it, these responses to an apology are inadequate. So let’s backtrack for a moment and consider the impetus for an apology, before I clarify how I believe one can respond.
Apologies are generally given when an individual has either done or said something wrong, something that hurts another, or something that in some way had him or her fall short of expectations. Whether it is being late for an appointment, making a snide comment at someone’s expense, or physically injuring another, an apology is an individual’s attempt to
a) acknowledge their mistake or take responsibility, and
b) make amends before moving on.
So, when you hear an apology being given and you respond with a phrase similar to “that’s okay”, how does this align with the person taking ownership of their mistake? Let’s get really concrete here to illustrate what I’m talking about. Imagine that your child has hit a playmate while at the playground. Knowing that she shouldn’t have done that, she apologizes to her friend, and then hears, “Oh, that’s okay.” What’s the message? The child knows – because she’s been taught – that hitting someone else is hurtful. And yet, her apology is being met with “that’s okay.” Really? Is it okay? I don’t think so. Such a response certainly doesn’t allow the apologizer to acknowledge their mistake and take responsibility. It lets them off the hook instead. Which is a mixed message at the very least.
Similarly, had the injured party in the above scenario responded to the apologizer with a statement such as “Yeah, okay” or “Whatever”, there’s an implication that the apology is not being accepted. In other words, it doesn’t matter that the first child wants to make amends, the injured child won’t allow it. That’s the energetic subtext. Can you see what I’m talking about? Can you relate to times when you have experienced this disconnect, either as the giver of an apology or as a receiver?
If these typical responses aren’t in alignment with the intention of an apology, how else can you respond? Well, I believe that there is a really simple response that not only can be, but needs to be, used when someone apologizes. Simply put, the response that’s required is nothing more and nothing less than “thank you.” When someone apologizes, and you say “Thank you” the message is simple: “I accept that you feel badly, I appreciate that you’re trying to make this right.” And that’s it. You don’t need to absolve the person of their wrong-doing, you don’t need to make them feel better and you certainly don’t need to make them feel worse. You just need to meet them where they’re at. Why? Because it keeps the interaction clean, clear and honest. It allows both of you to move past the experience with grace, without any sense of how moving forward might look. That’s a whole different conversation. And that, after all, is the point of the apology.
Admittedly, there are additional factors to consider when it comes to apologizing. For example, someone who repeatedly apologizes but never changes the associated action calls into question the sincerity of the apology. I mean, it’s not enough to accept responsibility for your behaviour if you’re not going to change that same behavior. The apology becomes meaningless. And as a result, it’s challenging to express gratitude for that sort of an apology. So, when you’re giving an apology for the same scenario over and over again, as the giver of said apology it really behooves you to ask: what are you apologizing for? And what are you actually willing to change?
Bottom-line: apologies are not meant to be taken lightly. They are not to be given lightly, and they are not to be dismissed readily. Instead, thought must be given both by the giver and receiver of an apology. As the giver, know why you’re apologizing and do so with sincerity and commitment to not have to deliver the same apology again. And when receiving an apology, remember that your job is to do so with grace; express gratitude without either minimizing the hurt or making it bigger than it need be. An effective apology is about both the giver and the receiver. Give with sincerity, receive with grace. This is the way to make apologies work.
Thank you is what I say. It both acknowledges acceptance of the apology and that a wrong has occurred. Nothing more needs to be said.
Perhaps thank you I appreciate your honesty- but building up the offender may let him feel he is off the hook pretty easily. Just ‘Thank you’ leaves him in a learning position and space to think about the response he got.