What Others Think of You Doesn’t Matter; Until It Does
So here’s the thing; somewhere out there in the world is a quote, which has been attributed to many people in various forms, but here’s the one I came across most recently, and which I rather like: “The opinion that other people have of you is their problem, not yours” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Another variation is the ever-popular “what other people think of you is none of your business.”
When I first heard this quote – and I think it was the second variation that I initially experienced several years ago, perhaps even reading it in one of the many books that I’ve perused over the years – I know my heart resonated with it powerfully. There was such freedom and liberation in finally being told that the opinions held by others were not nearly as important as my own opinion of myself. I can totally get behind the wisdom of that, you know? That being said, I’ve come to believe that the quote needs to be presented with a cautionary caveat; because sometimes, the opinions of other people do matter. Here’s what I mean.
As an individual out there in the world who’s trying to do something, accomplish something, create something – whatever that “something” might be – your reputation is important. And when it comes right down to it, your reputation is nothing more or less than the sum total of what others think of you, the opinions they hold. If a majority of people hold a similar opinion, and that opinion flies in the face of how you’d like to be experienced, that could be problematic. Why? Because there will be a gap between who you say you are and how you say you want to be experienced, and what’s actually the prevailing experience of you. If you go around in the world believing that the opinions of others are irrelevant, then you run the risk of being like an ostrich with your head in the sand, unaware of the reputation you’ve got in the community or, perhaps more accurately, completely aware of your reputation but unaware of the effect of that on the work you’re striving to do. This lack of awareness can result in your desired impact being less than it could be. Is that what you want?
My personal sense is that the best way to be with the opinions of others is to truly know yourself inside out and backwards. Know what matters to you, what you’re striving to create, the impact you’re working to have. Once you know this, you can show up with the express purpose of bringing all of this to life. And, if or when it comes to your attention that somebody’s opinion of you is less than desirable, or when those opinions fly in the face of who you’re trying to be or how you say you’re trying to be, you can evaluate and determine how to move forward in a way that serves your vision.
Understand; I’m not for a moment suggesting that you need to take on the judgements of others, the insecurities of others, or even the opinions of others. Their opinions are in fact just those – their opinions. Knowing how those opinions line up or deviate from your own opinion of yourself, however, is important. When you can confidently articulate who you are and how you want to be experienced, you can address any deviations with the power of this confidence. You can question another’s opinion of you, without giving it validation. You can attempt to set the record straight, if it matters to you. And if it doesn’t, you can move on; but you’ll move on with integrity and wisdom, rather than with an attitude of “your problem, not mine.”
Bottom-line: pretending that the opinions of others are irrelevant to you is naïve. On the flip side, giving complete credence to the opinions of others is equally futile. No matter who you are or what you’re up to in the world, your job is to know who you are and what you’re about, know how you want to bring these pieces of you to life in the world and the impact you want to have, then pay attention to the feedback you get – often in the form of the opinions held by others and by extension, your reputation – and tweak as necessary. What others think of you does matter; it has to line up with who you are at your core. When your reputation matches your character, you’re definitely in the zone.