Can You See the Gold in Your Relationship?

So, here I am feeling the utmost peace and contentment. Fulfillment is actually the best word to describe my state of being. There’s a sense of peace, of joy, of curiousity, of wonder, and of absolute bliss. It’s like every fiber of my being knows that, no matter what may or may not happen, when it comes right down to it, all is right in my world.

I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly is bringing about this sense of “rightness” in this moment. Granted, it’s what I’m continually aiming for. But I’m still curious about the source in this moment. And while a few possibilities have come to mind, including adequate sleep, meeting deadlines, having implemented a regular yoga practice, and beautiful weather to name a few, these just don’t seem like they’re the determining factor. As I’ve been sitting here mulling this over, the answer has come to me. And it definitely feels a little strange to write about it so publicly. However, what I know for sure is that there is some rich learning here, not only for me, but for you as you read this. And so, let me share.

The reason things seem so right in this moment, is that I have had opportunity in the last few weeks to realize and really heighten my awareness of the blessing that is available to me in my lifelong relationship with my husband. 16 1/2 years ago, we were married; 22 years ago (almost 23) we met. Over that time we’ve been through a lot, we’ve enjoyed a lot, we’ve navigated some tricky moments. There have been great times, and there have been some really tough times. And through it all, he has been

a) Completely supportive of me, who I am, how I show up, and what I want to pursue in my life
b) Willing to hold me accountable to who I say I want to be and what I say I want to do
c) Open to sharing whatever burdens come to us as a family, and finding mutually acceptable solutions
d) Willing to entertain possibility, however that might look

Now, don’t get me wrong. The man’s not perfect. And neither am I. He’s got his flaws, and so do I. In fact, being aware of these imperfections, even as I recognize the blessing that goes beyond those, is the root of the serenity that I’m experiencing right now. There’s a way that each of us – my husband and I – have found a way to be with each other, imperfection and all. We’ve come to realize that the very imperfections that drive each of us nuts – and some of them definitely drive us nuts (consider incessant snoring for the one and continually leaving cupboard doors open for the other – you can guess who’s who) — are what make us paradoxically perfect. And this realization, combined with a willingness to accept it for what it is, is what brings about the sense of absolute fulfillment. Life can bring on its challenges, even when I don’t want them, because I am blessed to have someone in my life who loves me for who I am, who I love for who he is, and with whom I can dance through life’s journey no matter the tempo and style of music.

What I want you to know is this (and herein lies the learning to extrapolate): while I am talking about the blessing of this moment as it relates to my relationship with my husband, what I know for sure is that this sense of fulfillment – this type of relationship – does not have to be found within the parameters of a life-long partnership. You can find it with a parent, with a child, with a friend, with a colleague – but you must find it. There must be someone in your life that you love unconditionally – as sappy as that sounds – and who loves you back in the same way. Who is there in your life that you can fully accept for who they are, even when they drive you nuts? Who is there in your life that fully accepts you for who you are, even when you drive him or her nuts? Knowing who this person is, being aware of their presence in your life and acknowledging the anchor they provide is an experience like no other.

Bottom-line: there’s gold in at least one of your relationships. Making yourself aware of this gold will fill your life with peace. Why? Because it allows you to know that no matter what life hands you, you can handle it. Life is good. And all will always be well, however that looks. So, very publicly and loudly, let me declare my heartfelt thanks to Scott Barker – my husband – the man who ensures my life is a peaceful one, even when the world around is spinning like mad. You are rock-solid gold, and I am blessed to have you in my life!

Are You Present in the Here and Now?

“The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” While I don’t actually know who to attribute this quote to, I can’t deny that I like it. I like it a lot. Sure, it sounds a little Hallmark-ish, a little sappy, but there’s truth in it. I mean there is nothing that can be done about the past – it’s gone. And the future may or may not unfold as you imagine. But the here and now, the present – this is a powerful place to hang out.

Unfortunately, the world in which you find yourself is a very, very busy one. There are numerous expectations to be met and therefore plans must be made in order to ensure that nothing falls through the cracks. So the question that I often find myself holding is this: how do you stay fully present in this moment, even while you engage in whatever preparations are required for the future, no matter how distant?

I find this question particularly relevant at this time of year. It’s rather ironic, because in so many traditions the coming weeks are a time of “being patient”, of waiting, of celebrating the here and now. But in North America, recent holidays such as thanksgiving (in Canada), Halloween and Remembrance Day are barely over and already Christmas plans are well underway. I’m guilty of jumping on that bandwagon, I admit it. While I haven’t actually started Christmas shopping, I have contemplated lists, asked people for gift suggestions, scheduled some holiday get-togethers – and there’s still 6 weeks to go!

Having played with this question for a long time – many years, in fact – my sense is that the key to being fully present while planning for the future lies in creating space for both, and, allowing the present to be your primary focus. There’s something about taking the time and doing what you need to do to anchor yourself completely in this moment, so that when you make your plans for the future, you’re still here. It’s about holding your focus in the now, knowing that you’ll be able to do the same in the future, when the future becomes the present (and it will; just give it time).

I know it seems somewhat paradoxical. I mean how do you focus on this moment, when you’re making plans for the holiday party that’s happening in two weeks? Well, here are just a few strategies to help keep you anchored:

• Before starting a task, close your eyes and go inward. Focus on how your body feels right now.
• Root yourself; feel your feet firmly planted on the ground beneath you, and imagine a string travelling through your core, from the tip of your head, through the middle of your body, anchoring you to the present time and space.
• Quickly (but consciously and deliberately) inventory 5-10 things for which you are grateful right now, in this moment.
• Focus on your breath which, after all, is totally happening right now. Nothing brings you to the present moment quicker than this. Maintain your focus for 5 full breaths, filling your lungs completely, and exhaling fully.

Once you’ve engaged in any or all of these strategies, you’ll be able to feel yourself completely engaged in the present moment. You’re here, and nowhere else. And with this solid anchor, you can venture forth and make your plans, knowing that your anchor will do what it’s supposed to do, which is keep you in this space.

Bottom-line: right here, right now is where you’re meant to be. Yes, life is moving along at a somewhat alarming speed. There is much to be done. And, doing whatever needs to be done while keeping yourself fully grounded in the present experience will serve you far better than fast-forwarding through your life. Stay focused, stay grounded, stay present. Stay in the here and now.

What Others Think of You Doesn’t Matter; Until It Does

So here’s the thing; somewhere out there in the world is a quote, which has been attributed to many people in various forms, but here’s the one I came across most recently, and which I rather like: “The opinion that other people have of you is their problem, not yours” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Another variation is the ever-popular “what other people think of you is none of your business.”

When I first heard this quote – and I think it was the second variation that I initially experienced several years ago, perhaps even reading it in one of the many books that I’ve perused over the years – I know my heart resonated with it powerfully. There was such freedom and liberation in finally being told that the opinions held by others were not nearly as important as my own opinion of myself. I can totally get behind the wisdom of that, you know? That being said, I’ve come to believe that the quote needs to be presented with a cautionary caveat; because sometimes, the opinions of other people do matter. Here’s what I mean.

As an individual out there in the world who’s trying to do something, accomplish something, create something – whatever that “something” might be – your reputation is important. And when it comes right down to it, your reputation is nothing more or less than the sum total of what others think of you, the opinions they hold. If a majority of people hold a similar opinion, and that opinion flies in the face of how you’d like to be experienced, that could be problematic. Why? Because there will be a gap between who you say you are and how you say you want to be experienced, and what’s actually the prevailing experience of you. If you go around in the world believing that the opinions of others are irrelevant, then you run the risk of being like an ostrich with your head in the sand, unaware of the reputation you’ve got in the community or, perhaps more accurately, completely aware of your reputation but unaware of the effect of that on the work you’re striving to do. This lack of awareness can result in your desired impact being less than it could be. Is that what you want?

My personal sense is that the best way to be with the opinions of others is to truly know yourself inside out and backwards. Know what matters to you, what you’re striving to create, the impact you’re working to have. Once you know this, you can show up with the express purpose of bringing all of this to life. And, if or when it comes to your attention that somebody’s opinion of you is less than desirable, or when those opinions fly in the face of who you’re trying to be or how you say you’re trying to be, you can evaluate and determine how to move forward in a way that serves your vision.

Understand; I’m not for a moment suggesting that you need to take on the judgements of others, the insecurities of others, or even the opinions of others. Their opinions are in fact just those – their opinions. Knowing how those opinions line up or deviate from your own opinion of yourself, however, is important. When you can confidently articulate who you are and how you want to be experienced, you can address any deviations with the power of this confidence. You can question another’s opinion of you, without giving it validation. You can attempt to set the record straight, if it matters to you. And if it doesn’t, you can move on; but you’ll move on with integrity and wisdom, rather than with an attitude of “your problem, not mine.”

Bottom-line: pretending that the opinions of others are irrelevant to you is naïve. On the flip side, giving complete credence to the opinions of others is equally futile. No matter who you are or what you’re up to in the world, your job is to know who you are and what you’re about, know how you want to bring these pieces of you to life in the world and the impact you want to have, then pay attention to the feedback you get – often in the form of the opinions held by others and by extension, your reputation – and tweak as necessary. What others think of you does matter; it has to line up with who you are at your core. When your reputation matches your character, you’re definitely in the zone.

Can You Let It Go? Can You Give It Up?

Anyone who’s ever met me, or heard me speak, or read my ezine for some time likely knows that “surrender” is a big value of mine.  Like, BIG.  It’s something that I hold dear because I know, on a cellular level, even when my brain wants to disagree, that surrender is the ultimate key to success.  Which may sound bizarre, I know.

Surrender is one of those concepts that’s so misunderstood.  It’s often equated with giving up, abandoning.  But that’s not it at all.  Instead, surrender is about understanding that as a human being you actually can’t – you simply cannot – do all that you want to do.  You cannot have all that you want to have.  At least not on your own.

Historically, different people and groups have tried to point us in the direction of this truth by sharing religious beliefs, establishing rituals that are anchored in faith and trust.  But the surrender I’m talking about goes way beyond simple ritual and religion.  Surrender is about understanding that once you’ve done all that you’re capable of, once you’ve created a plan, worked a plan, implemented a plan and given it your all, there is still more to give.  And that more is given from outside of yourself.  So, you’ve got to let it go.  That’s right.  Let. It. Go.

Now, for some of you, this week’s article might seem just a little “out there” compared to the usual, practical, anchored material I send out.  I understand that.  And yet I also know that the reason it might seem “out there” is only because you haven’t yet allowed yourself to experience the power of such surrender.  I understand.  It’s not necessarily an easy thing to do.

Surrender in and of itself seems like an easy concept.  But in the context of living your life, of achieving your goals and dreams, of creating what you want for yourself, surrendering seems to fly in the face of taking responsibility, doesn’t it?  I mean, if you’re going to actively create your life on your terms, then don’t you have to keep at it – whatever ‘it’ is – until your objective is achieved?  Well, yes; and no.

Your job is absolutely, as aforesaid, to do all that you can.  And then, after you’ve done all that, after you’ve honestly done the best that you can and all that you can, you’ve got to let go of your attachment to your goal, understand that what you see or want to see is only part of the big picture and surrender the process over to the powers that be – whether you consider that to be God, the universe, your higher power or whatever.  There is a force outside of you that is activated once you do your part; your job is to do your part and then allow that force to do its part.  How do you do this?  Here are a few steps:

• Be clear on what you’re wanting.  Visualize, imagine what it is you’re heading for.
• Take action, as much as you can.  Be deliberate and focused.
• Allow for inspiration; don’t bury your head in the sand or be so blinded that you can’t see when a detour might be what’s needed.
• Set your timeline, then allow things to unfold.  Dance with time, knowing that while you might think something has to happen right here, right now, this way, there may be a bigger stage being set, for something even better.
• Remember that you can only see part of the picture and remind yourself that what you see isn’t all that there is.

Bottom-line:  when it comes to achieving your goals, sitting around and wishing is not enough.  Knowing what your goals are isn’t enough.  Being crystal clear about your vision isn’t enough.  And doing all that you can do and relying on your own self isn’t enough.  At some point, you’ve got to partner with the universe, surrender and allow.  Trust that your vision, is only a piece of what’s possible.  And open yourself up to the possibility that what shows up will be even better when all is said and done, than what you even imagined it could be.  This isn’t always easy to do.  And, the payoff is well worth it.